THE ARDLY
er has ma^atjod to preaubaa lnodft"!
GARY BAKER
The Ardly Effect
by
Gary Baker
A humorous Sci-Fi novel.
Three out of four professional critics thought it was
great and enjoyed reading it. (I was stunned - GB)
Published in paperback by Brambling Books in 2005
Available on www.amazon.co.uk
This free e-book released in 2007
is not intended for re-sale.
100 % of all donations made to Paypal account
gb@bramblingbooks.co.uk will go to the author.
(See author's note at the end of the novel.)
No part may be reproduced in any form whatsoever
except as a free e-book in its present form without the author's
consent. All characters and persons depicted are fictitious.
Opinions expressed are also just made up. So chill.
Copyright (c) Gary Baker 2005
THE ARDLY EFFECT
Prologue
It has been suggested that all things enjoy a certain
degree of consciousness. Even the fundamental particles
that make up ice cream cones or fluffy slippers. This
same school of thought says that if you arrange enough of
these quasi-sentient little blobs properly you'll end up
with a dung beetle or a palaeontologist or even a central
heating engineer Something conscious but not
necessarily possessing a conscience.
It's a question of complexity, it seems. The more
complex yet structured an object, the more likely it is to
make that incomprehensible transition from just being a
blob to being a sentient being. What the benefits are is a
question that still haunts many. Consciousness definitely
drags with it a lot of excess baggage. Fear, greed, lust,
envy, ceramic quadrupeds ... to slap labels on just a few
of those bags.
Planets would seem to be pretty good candidates
for your everyday conscious entity. They are well
structured but extremely complicated objects. The
individual bits and bobs of an average sized planet run
into billions and billions. If complication were a
prerequisite for consciousness, then your average planet
would easily fit the bill.
However, as no evidence has been presented to the
contrary, it must be assumed that Jupe, a gigantic, orange,
gaseous world swinging lazily round a medium sized,
1
GARY BAKER
yellow sun, is happily oblivious to the appallingly
indifferent void in which it exists.
Likewise, Jupe's two moons, Edenia and Horridoa,
are sadly unconscious of the magnificence of their parent
planet. They can never appreciate the subtly serpentine
tangerine bands or the angry brown whorls of storms,
thousands of miles in diameter, raging endlessly through
the turbulent atmosphere.
A shame really.
Forgoing its indifference momentarily, the universe
smiled on Edenia making it by far the more attractive of
the two moons. Blue and green with lots of wispy white
bits. An incandescent jewel of a moon.
Horridoa, on the other hand, must have been a
pretty nasty piece of work in a previous existence
because Horridoa is brown-grey and ... well ... lumpy. An
anaemic walnut of a moon.
Edenia is warm and cuddly and supports an
immense variety of life. The most abundant life form on
Edenia is a small yellow bean. The pitteth.
The pitteth is so called because when it is squeezed
between the thumb and forefinger of the second most
abundant life form on Edenia the pitteth goes "pitteth".
Horridoa alternates between extremes of heat and
blinding light, and cold and deepest darkness. The most
abundant life form on Horridoa is a tall, hardy, razor
edged grass called chawoo. The second most abundant
life form on Horridoa couldn't remember why chawoo
had this name. But somehow it suited it.
The Edenians, inhabitants of the cosy moon
Edenia, though highly intelligent, developed technology
2
THE ARDLY EFFECT
only as far as the wooden bucket. Why strive for more?
Why, indeed. The pitteth is quite delicious, extremely
nourishing and easily harvested. A firm grip, a stout pair
of legs and the humble bucket are all that is needed to
transport pitteths from the lush valleys to the warm,
breeze tickled hills where, upturned, the bucket doubles
as a handy stool on which to sit and ponder the wonders
of Jupe resplendent in the azure sky.
Not that it never rains on Edenia. Of course it does.
But only in the small hours when everyone is tucked up
in a warm cave or snuggled under the protective shelter
of a welcoming pitteth bush.
To the Horridoans, on the other hand, progress and
ever swifter technological advances were fundamental to
their survival. The initial driving forces behind this rapid
development were the simple needs to keep warm during
the freezing night, keep cool during the scorching day
and make the chawoo taste of something other than
month old toenail clippings.
After the invention of the telescope, there was no
turning back for the Horridoans. A beautiful sister moon
came sharply into focus one unusually clear night. A
moon which did not simply orbit Jupe but swooned
gracefully to and fro maintaining just the right distance
from the sun to ensure the days were warm and the nights
were pleasantly cool.
The ever sceptical Horridoans thought this new
moon too good to be true. There had to be a catch. No
water. A surface covered in a twenty foot layer of
choking dust. An ammonia atmosphere.
Larger optical telescopes were built and trained on
3
GARY BAKER
this apparently idyllic neighbour. Life! The sister moon
supported life!
Radio telescopes were constructed and, finally, a
sophisticated satellite was put into orbit around Edenia.
People! There were people on Edenia! And they were
mostly strolling about! Or splashing in sparkling streams!
Or horizontal!
The terrible truth dawned: while the Horridoans
had been struggling to survive on a moon whizzing
backwards and forwards between the boiling sun and the
freezing void of outer space like some crazy ding ball
attached to some demented ding bat wielded by some
deranged ... ding bat wielder, the morons on Edenia had
been swanning around discussing buckets and wondering
whether to eat now and have a snooze or take a quick
nap, discuss buckets some more and then eat!
News of this idyllic world of unappreciative cretins
spread around Horridoa like a chawoo lager rash. The
Horridoans rose as one and swore to the heavens that
their children, or their children's children, or their
children's children's children, or somebody, some day
would have their revenge on Fate for making their lives
so bloody miserable.
Generations of Horridoans gave themselves to the
Cause. Technology blossomed under the light generated
from the heat of their united fervour. Gigantic space
going transporters were built in orbit. An invasion force
consisting of the entire population of Horridoa, excluding
of course people who couldn't read without moving their
lips, descended on Edenia. The dumbfounded Edenians
were easily herded aboard the transporters. Twenty-four
4
THE ARDLY EFFECT
hours later and the Horridoans on Edenia were having
fun in the sun eating piles of the delicious pitteth while
the Edenians where standing bemused on Horridoa
watching their buckets fill with rain.
*
With the slow dawning of what had happened to them the
Edenians' under-utilised brains started to experience an
altogether new and compelling emotion. Indignant
outrage.
Spurred on by the harsh conditions and a burning
desire for revenge, the Edenians went from the wooden
bucket age to the bronze, iron, industrial, tootsie-glow
single slipper, and space age in just a few hundred years.
The whole Edenia population on Horridoa worked
as one towards the "Great revenge". A task force of
gigantic battle cruisers was assembled and dispatched to
Edenia but the Horridoans on Edenia weren't going to
give up their newly acquired paradise without a fight.
Inter-moon war raged.
The word "war" is a tad severe. "Raged" is
probably a bit strong too. It was more of an inter-moon
shouting-finger-wagging-with-the-odd-shove argy-bargy.
After all, the population of Horridoa had got used
to their new planet. Hundreds of years had made it home.
Technology made the climate bearable. A little illegal
trade with Edenia brought in a few culinary luxuries.
Even the foul tasting chawoo turned out to be excellent at
sorting out even the most determined acne.
*
The Edenians still felt a twinge of guilt for their
ancestors' actions so they were never going to mount any
5
GARY BAKER
full scale attacks.
There was the odd dispute over mineral rights on
some of the larger asteroids. But any prisoners taken by
either side were returned unharmed after a suitable
amount of public humiliation and a few political points
had been gained.
None of the awesome weapons that both sides had
built was ever fired in anger The most dangerous piece
of technology developed by both sides was the matter
transporter. It was generally agreed that this could only
be used to transport fruit, livestock and machinery. The
matter transporter was to be used on people only in an
emergency. It was employed occasionally when capturing
enemy forces but with a failure rate of one per cent was
considered too unreliable for general use. It was
embarrassing enough, being deposited somewhere with
your underpants inside out over your trousers, without
having to suffer the indignity of having your head inside
out over your left wrist as well.
Those in power, on both moons, considered the
war, on balance, neither a good nor a bad thing. Not
many people got hurt, the people were focused and hard
working, and technology and research drove forward at
an artificially heightened pace.
A place for everyone and everyone in their place.
It couldn't last for ever, of course. Someone,
someday, had to ask the question. But, first, someone had
to think of the question.
THE ARDLY EFFECT
Chapter 1 : Idea
Kurt Naize sat, eyes open but unfocused, in his
stationary car. He stared, unblinkingly oblivious to the
rain lashing his windscreen, the unrelenting howl of the
wind and the drenched security guard wasting his energy
in a futile attempt to wave him through.
Kurt was grey-haired, forty and wondering.
Wondering why he hadn't noticed it before. But, it was
simple really. He had been too busy. They had all been
too busy. Their whole lives had been devoted to the Great
Revenge. No one had time to notice things. Things not
related to the war, anyway. The entire population was
hell-bent on finding a more powerful this, a faster that, a
more accurate the other. The Great Revenge consumed
everyone from the womb to the tomb.
Sifted and sorted at childhood, people were
channelled into grooves that fit them best for the war
effort. Bound and blinkered by duty and revenge,
researchers avoided delving into anything not directly
connected with resolving the conflict.
Surface standards and technology fell way behind
the innovations and advancements pumped into the space
effort. The gigantic battle cruisers built in orbit boasted a
technical excellence decades ahead of anything on the
surface of Horridoa.
The price of these orbiting technical marvels was
myopia.
The simple startling fact had come to Kurt the
previous evening while he tried to convince Bonnie that
GARY BAKER
his groin was not the most reasonable of places to rest her
heavily clawed paws.
Kurt had smiled to himself thinking back ... He had
been lying in the bath, snoozing. Bonnie, Kurt's loyal,
loving and lonely golden retriever, had carefully nosed
open the kitchen door, belly-crawled up the stairs and
sneaked unnoticed into the bathroom where she lay
happily listening to her master gently humming and
splashing. Leaving ten minutes or so for the pair to enter
full semi-doze mode, a cup in the kitchen sink leaning on
the edge of a fork balanced carefully on a plate in a bowl
of unwashed cutlery and crockery decided to slip and
moved an inch causing a "plock-plock-bosh" sound. Kurt
came round thinking Bonnie was sniffing in the dustbin
again and shouted "Bonnie! Stop that whatever it is!"
Bonnie was, of course, delighted at being summoned by
her wonderful master and without further ado joined him
in the bath. After the initial shock and when the soap suds
had stopped falling Kurt thought, "WAaf the hell!" and
gave Bonnie a good shampooing.
It was while wrestling in the bath with Bonnie that
Kurt's thoughts turned to those vile usurpers, those evil
purloiners who had stolen his beloved moon Edenia.
They had dogs too! He'd seen pictures. They also had two
arms, two legs and an arse, and talked through a hole in
their face. In short, they were the same. On two different
moons and yet they were the same species!
Kurt recalled the peculiar look of confused
ambivalence on his daughter Summer's face when the
notion was introduced to her Tom between her lifelong
conditioning to mistrust all Horridoans and the intriguing
THE ARDLY EFFECT
questions this new idea raised, she sank into an
aggressive silence.
A semi-awareness that something had happened
snapped Kurt's attention back to the present. The space
between his car and the gatehouse which had previously
been filled by another car was now empty. By rights the
long build-up of traffic behind him should have been
hooting their annoyance at being kept waiting.
But they weren't.
A grimacing blue-clad security guard had left his
dry gatehouse and must have been trying to attract Kurt's
attention through the driving rain for some time. By
rights the man should have been bellowing at Kurt to get
his arse in gear and his car shifted before people drowned
out here for Christ's sake.
But he wasn't.
Being Director of The Space Services R&D Centre
had its perks.
Since Kurt's appointment as Director some ten years
before, the Centre had blossomed and produced some
remarkable innovations. The more noteworthy of the
innovations were the Gravitonic Wave Motor used by
surface to orbit shuttles, the Gravitonic Wave Projector
used by interplanetary space ships for both self
propulsion and remote object manipulation and, more
recently, one of Kurt's favourites, the Gravitonic Wave
Hologram used to generate perfect 3-D pictures of naked
ladies that appeared briefly in a glass of just-downed
chawoo beer. A batch of these last devices contributed
considerably to the retaking of asteroid 461. The enemy
9
GARY BAKER
troops, who had been holding the asteroid for the
previous four months, had been so captivated by the
images that they had drunk themselves into a stupor
within an hour of the drop.
In addition, the newly developed Gravitonic Wave
Scanner was progressing well and would be ready for
testing within a few weeks. These innovations had earned
the Centre an enormous budget and Kurt had the
respectful ear of some key players on the Board of
Governors. The Board were a researcher's God
answerable only to the High Presidium.
*
Ross was a good Production Assistant and Kurt hated
spinning him a line.
"I'm sorry about this, Ross," Kurt said. "But this
one's a bit hush-hush." He put his arm around Ross's
shoulders, steering him gently towards the door "Even
for me. I'm sure it will all become clear soon." Ross
looked quizzically at the sheaf of papers he had just been
handed. He inhaled, obviously ready to protest. "In the
meantime," Kurt cut him off, "keep up the good work." A
quick shake of the hand, a delicate manoeuvre expertly
performed, and Ross found himself looking at the closed
door to his boss's office.
Leaning against the other side of the door, Kurt
sighed theatrically, wiping a bead of mock sweat from his
brow. He almost skipped with a kind of childish glee
across his office. He sat at his desk enjoying the strange
sensations of exhilaration and guilt. The private revelry
was soon interrupted.
"YOUR DAUGH-ER- -ERE DO— ER NAI— ,"
10
THE ARDLY EFFECT
squawked the faulty intercom. His office door burst open
and Summer Naize, Kurt's daughter, strode into the room.
She lowered herself gracefully into one of the plush
visitors' chairs. Twenty, long legged, beautiful and
frowning. Summer fixed her father with a stem glare.
"I've been thinking Pops." Summer kicked off her
shoes and tucked her legs under her bottom. "Maybe we
are intelhgent because of the way we are. Because of our
physical shape. We need legs to move around." She
uncurled a leg, waved it and retucked it. "We need arms
and hands to manipulate things." She waved an arm.
"With a different shaped body maybe we couldn't be
intelligent." Summer paused. "To be like us, is, to be like
us."
"Arms ..." said Kurt waving a leg in mock
imitation of Summer's unnecessary gesture. "... and legs
..." Kurt waved an arm. "... aside." The effort of what he
had just done distracted Kurt for a moment.
He continued, "I find that hard to believe. The
physical requirements for intelligence are probably quite
restrictive. But, I wouldn't have thought they were much
more restrictive than, say, the physical requirements to
live underwater and feed off plankton. There's a huge
diversity of hfe that does just that."
"Well," added Kurt after a moment's thought. "At
least on Edenia there is."
Summer thought the reasoning a little tenuous but
chose not to argue.
Kurt and Summer had always been very close.
Especially since the death of Summer's mother, Elspeth,
some two years before. Elspeth had died along with two
11
GARY BAKER
hundred and twenty others when a freak bhzzard had
plucked her aeroplane from the skies and smashed it into
the side of a mountain.
Kurt studied his daughter He saw Elspeth's well
formed eyebrows and slender nose. He saw his own
brown eyes and full lips. There was Elspeth in the tilt of
Summer's head, in her slender wrists and the long legs
tucked under herself He heard Elspeth in Summer's
mellow, unexpectedly deep voice.
Summer knew that look in her father's eyes. She
leaned forward.
"Oh daddy ..." Their hands touched across the
desk. They clung for a moment. Eyes misted. Heads
bowed.
Summer was the first to compose herself "Look. If
we do have a common ancestor then where did they come
from?"
Kurt ignored the question, rose, picked up a piece
of chalk and stood beside his large clean blackboard. "We
have talking computers. We can project a gravity-well
from within a space ship to drag itself along. We can
monitor the motion of a man's eyebrows from two
hundred miles and laser one of them off if we so desire.
We have overcome inertia for faster manoeuvrability.
But," Kurt waved the piece of chalk, "we still use a
blackboard and chalk, my intercom doesn't work and we
don't even know for sure how many planets and moons
we have in our own system." Kurt tossed the chalk into
the bin. It BONKED and bounced out.
"Everyone," continued Kurt, "has concentrated
purely on the war No one has thought of anything for
12
THE ARDLY EFFECT
centuries other than the retaking of Edenia. The 'Great
Revenge'." Kurt sat down. "Edenia is a paradise," he said.
"Horridoa is just survivable. Jupe is big enough to make
it fairly easy to go round but very difficuh to leave. And
... the Edenians and the Horridoans are the same species!"
Summer frowned at her father "You make us
sound like some sort of huge experiment." Kurt frowned
back saying nothing. "You think we're being studied like
we're on some mega microscope shde?"
"No. I don't think that. I'm thinking more along the
lines of us being colonists. Left here thousands of years
ago by highly advanced ancestors expanding through the
galaxy. " Kurt made a steeple from his fingers. "What do
you think?"
Summer frowned even more, looking thoughtfully
at her father. "I don't believe you. I think what you're
saying is you're fed up with the war and would like to
research something completely different. The origin of
man. The origins of Edenia and Horridoa in planetary
terms. Jupe's influence on evolution. Why is farting so
funny ..."
"Stop frowning so much," interrupted Kurt. "You'll
get wrinkles."
"I get it from you."
"Hmmm." Kurt stabbed the intercom.
PHHARRTTT "Two chawoo teas please, Movis."
"-ER-AINLYTR."
Father and daughter sat lost in thought while stout
Movis brought in two steaming mugs of chawoo tea.
Movis paused for the briefest of moments, tutted and left.
Kurt, realising with a start they had both
13
GARY BAKER
completely ignored Movis, stabbed the intercom.
PHHARRTTT. "Sorry. Thanks, Movis."
"Yes. Sorry. Thanks, Movis," said Summer, aiming
her voice at the intercom.
" " came the intercom's response.
"Look Pops," Summer rose to pace the room. "You
have virtually unlimited resources, unlimited cash and
being the blue-eyed boy with the Board at the moment
means you can get away with just about anything."
"So?"
"So, make use of it. You could ..." Summer paused,
thinking. "You could build a whole fleet of cheapo space
drones, send them off into space looking for ... whoever
or whatever ... and no one would bat an eyelid."
"Are you serious?"
"Yes. Why not? No one would question one of
your projects. Who knows what you might find."
Summer warmed to the idea. To gaze out into the
universe. The very thought was refreshing. Like looking
through the carriage window to the far horizon after
having your view confined to within a few feet as your
train went through a particularly long tunnel.
Kurt went slightly pink. "I've started building them
already," he said removing a non-existent piece of fluff
from his knee.
Summer's thoughts of trains emerging from tunnels
stopped abruptly as her jaw dropped.
"We'll send them off in all different directions,"
said Kurt. "Each one has some basic scanning devices.
The Board will think we're testing some new gravity-
wave device."
14
THE ARDLY EFFECT
"How many are you building?"
"Five hundred and do close your mouth, it's most
unbecoming. "
Summer stood to leave. "Well I think you're crazy,
Pops," she said. "But, my gravity-wave scanner will be
along soon to save your bacon so I'm not worried. Yet.
See you tonight. "
Summer shuffled into her shoes, blew her father a
kiss and left.
Chapter 2 : Found
Summer looked from the high desert sun to the
shimmering horizon. There was something reflected in
the haze. She found herself moving closer. A scruffy little
man was painting a huge red line at least ten yards wide.
His shoes were spattered with red paint. The rest of him
was suddenly pristine. He looked up and smiled at
Summer. He pointed and whispered, "I don't know you."
The wide red line meandered for miles towards the
distant hills. Summer pointed at the line. "Why?" she
asked. The little man became her Tactics tutor from
college. "Someone has to paint the red lines on the
maps," he said, holding out a tiny can of blue paint. She
15
GARY BAKER
rapped his head with her knuckles. Tap, tap. "Wheelies,"
he said. "They leave marks too." Summer shook her head.
"You're crazy Pops," she said. Tap, tap.
Summer woke up. She felt hot. Someone was
knocking on her door
"Summer?" It was her father.
"Yes. Umm. Come in." Summer sat up, rubbing
sleep from her eyes.
"I just got these results." Kurt was obviously very
excited. "Sixteen of the buggers have disappeared.
Sixteen!" He rattled a sheet of paper in Summer's face.
She reached for it, trying to focus but Kurt was off round
the room.
"All from the same area. Ross plotted their
positions. Look." Kurt rattled the paper in front of
Summer again. She reached for it but was too slow. Kurt
was off round the room once more. "I'm going to take this
to the Board you see if I don't. Something's going on out
..." Kurt's voice trailed off as he left the room.
Summer sat and thought about maps for a few
minutes. She had been dreaming. What about? Damn, but
that was annoying. She was certain that right on the edge
of her memory was a whole lifetime of very important
experiences. If she could only remember them. The effort
of trying to bring back the taunting, illusive thoughts
irritated the inside of her mind. She could feel the
thoughts tickling her neurones and then dashing away.
Then she thought about what her father had been ranting
about.
"Crikey!" she said.
16
THE ARDLY EFFECT
Kurt felt like a schoolboy summoned before the
headmaster The chair was straight backed and
unyielding. His fashionably stiff collar rubbed at the
slightest movement. He sighed lightly to himself and
glanced at the delicate porcelain cup of lukewarm
chawoo tea he held in his lap. His index finger was well
and truly stuck in the ridiculously small and convoluted
handle.
It was only Kurt's second visit to the Board of
Governors' underground bunker The first visit had been
to receive his promotion to Director of The Space
Services Centre and a commendation on his research into
Gravity Projection. A jolly little bash, knee deep in
bullshit and backslapping. Kurt was no politician and
hated the whole affair
Governor Septa had his head down reading the
report on his desk. Kurt sat looking at Septa's bald patch
wondering how a toad like him rose to such dizzy
heights. He remembered Governor Septa as being the
only Governor to vote against his appointment.
Septa had said, "Gravity Research will never get
off the ground! Ha, ha." That was before Kurt's Gravity
Projectors became responsible for moving ninety -nine
per cent of all objects in space. Suddenly, Septa was
behind Kurt all the way. And always had been!
Septa looked up and removed his glasses.
With the cup-handle still clamped to his digit like a
Chinese Finger Trap, Kurt leaned forward expectantly.
Septa put his glasses back on and turned to the start
of the report.
Kurt sat back taking the opportunity to give his
17
GARY BAKER
finger a good yank. Success! And pain! He placed the
cup carefully on the edge of Septa's desk, willing his eyes
to stop watering.
After several minutes Septa looked up and
removed his glasses once more. "Just as disturbing the
second reading as the first," he said.
"So why didn 't you read it before I got here, big
nose!?" thought Kurt reaching for the tea and then
thinking better of it.
"There is something out there," continued Septa
slowly. "Invisible to our Beta scanners, and capable of
wiping out several spacecraft simultaneously over a very
large area. " Septa bashed his fist on the desk and sat back
triumphantly as if he had invented the concept.
"Yes. I know, you twot! I wrote the report!" thought
Kurt.
"The Gravitonic Scanner looks most promising ..."
"Most promising?" thought Kurt. "It's fantastic!
You ignorant oick. Summer's done a briUiantjob!"
"... and is ready for action. That's why I want you,"
Septa thrust a chubby index finger in Kurt's direction, "to
be on the mission to find out exactly what this new
menace is."
"You could have told me this over the phone, you
balding git," thought Kurt.
"You will, of course need an assistant. Your
daughter, as Head of the Scanner project is best qualified
to go with you." Septa tossed some papers across the
desk. "All the arrangements have been made."
"Thanks for asking for my thoughts on the subject,"
thought Kurt. Did he detect a faint smirk on Septa's face?
18
THE ARDLY EFFECT
"You and your daughter will report to Space
Rehearsal Station 87 at five tomorrow morning. Good
luck!"
"/"thought Kurt.
Chapter 3 : Space
Kurt sat gingerly on the edge of his bed. He was sure he
hadn't gone to sleep under fourteen tons of concrete but
surely that's what must have happened. Why else would
his body feel this way?
The dormitory around him was full of muscular
young physiques all dashing around chatting and
enjoying a bit of horseplay. Some were even exercising
while he could hardly bloody move!
The super-fit young pile of biceps and teeth sat on
the bed opposite asked, "Feeling a bit stiff, Doctor
Naize?"
"A little," said Kurt massaging the small of his
back. He couldn't quite remember the young man's name.
Jac or Zac or Mac or something.
"Don't worry. You'll soon get used to it. This
morning's run will loosen you up. You know," the boy
looked serious for a moment, "I could only do forty
19
GARY BAKER
press-ups when I first arrived."
"Really?" Kurt managed to avoid snarling.
"Yeah. So don't worry. You'll soon get into the
swing of things. See ya." The young man showed Kurt
even more of his teeth and jogged off Kurt gave a half-
hearted wave, grabbed his towel and headed for what he
hoped would be a hot reviving shower.
"Day two," thought Kurt bitterly. "God, how time
flies!"
*
Day one had been a non-stop round of sit-ups, push-ups,
bench-presses and knee-bends with a few non-
hyphenated exercises like running and jumping thrown in
for good measure.
Kurt's mind had become strangely detached as he
watched his body stagger and wheeze in the wake of
Summer's effortless and unruffled performance
demonstrating a young body at its peak.
Day two promised more of the same plus some
drill rehearsal. In three minutes he and Summer were due
in sound room 17, where they would learn the drill songs.
Drill songs, Kurt had read in the booklet "A guide to
enjoying your stay at Space Rehearsal Station 87", were
the chants used when jogging in formation to and from
the various areas of physical torture.
*
Kurt had just managed to get his left trainer on at the
second attempt when the announcement came over the
speaker system.
BING BONG - "COULD DOCTORS NAIZE
AND NAIZE ..." The sing-song voice of a young women,
20
THE ARDLY EFFECT
with what sounded hke a terminal nasal congestion
problem, split the air. "... PLEASE REPORT TO THE P
A V M ORIENTATION CHAMBER 5 ON SUB-LEVEL
26."
" Saved] " thought Kurt with relief as the message
was repeated. "But what the hell was P A VM}"
*
"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Isn't this great?"
Summer shot passed Kurt, tumbling wildly as she went.
Kurt waved his arms around madly, sickened by the zero-
gravity field.
"P A VM\" thought Kurt bitterly. "What's wrong
with Space suit anyway? Personal Anti Vacuum Module!
Pah!"
"Come on Pops. You can do it." Summer's
encouraging remarks did nothing for Kurt's temper
"As soon as I walked through that inter-spatial
connection device and saw what was going on in here I
should have thrown myself out of the nearest
environmental viewerl" he said with dripping sarcasm.
" Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ! " Summer
whizzed passed Kurt once more performing a sickening
horizontal cartwheel.
Three weeks of hell at Space Rehearsal Station 87 were
behind them. Kurt and Summer were now keenly aware
of the numerous ways a person could die in space. They
had decided the previous evening over a celebratory
chawoo lager, or several, that it was worth the risk. The
unknown beckoned.
Although still a little stiff, Kurt thought he hadn't
21
GARY BAKER
felt this good in years. Fit as a flea and ready for action.
Intellectual action anyway. He was ready for space.
Kurt had a mental image of himself decked out in a
brilliant white suit covered in zip pockets, mysterious
tubes and lots of dangly bits. He would be carrying a
shiny metallic briefcase and striding purposefully in slow
motion across the tarmac towards the dome of an
immense white spacecraft. The huge vehicle, crouched
and eager to spring into space, would seem to rise out of
the ground as he approached it. He would salute the
deferential ground crew and disappear aboard through a
cloud of steam. Kurt wasn't sure about the cloud of
steam. Probably had its roots in the comics he was fond
of as a child.
The reality did not quite match Kurt's romantic
ideal. It was just like an airport. Chuck your baggage
onto a conveyor belt and walk down some long, brightly
lit passages that terminate with two smiling stewardesses.
Finally end up in a cramped but adequate seat reading
detailed instructions on what position to adopt should the
shuttle decide to plunge into the ground at several
thousand miles per hour.
The vertical trip to the battle cruiser orbiting
Horridoa was amazing. Both Naizes had their faces
pressed against the observation port, soaking in the
awesome sight of a diminishing planet floating in the
void and then experiencing the heart-stopping
immenseness of a Class A battle cruiser blotting out
almost the entire field of view.
Tiny letters one hundred yards high were painted
in red on the cruiser's glistening white surface.
22
THE ARDLY EFFECT
MARSHIA. Kurt and Summer looked at each other
"Marshia?" they chorused.
A passing stewardess cleared things up. "All Class
A battle cruisers are named after the Quantatronic brain
which controls every aspect of the ship's functionality.
The Quantatronic brain and the ship are as one unit. They
cannot function as separate entities. More chawoo tea?"
Kurt shook his head, momentarily dazed by the
astounding clarity of the dark brown eyes and perfect
white teeth set against a tan Yorkshire puddings would
have been proud of
"No thank you," said Summer The stewardess
continued on down the aisle dispensing tea and smiles.
"A Quantatronic brain," said Summer gazing out of
the portal. "I've read about those."
"Yes," said Kurt. "The very latest thing in AI. I'll
be very interested to talk to it."
"It must be strange to be so big," said Summer with
the vague air of someone deep in thought.
"The AI won't feel anything," said Kurt. "It's just a
big machine."
"I suppose," said Summer absently.
The stewardess passed by saying, "We'll be
docking in five minutes. Please make yourselves
comfortable and place all weapons under your seat until
we are docked. Thank you."
GARY BAKER
Chapter 4 : Marshia
"There will be a moment of discomfort during the
docking procedure," said the stewardess, beaming at the
Naizes. "Please remain seated and don't be alarmed."
Kurt's gaze followed the stewardess's bum as she
sashayed away.
"I think intelligence must be inversely proportional
to the allure of a woman's bum," said Kurt absently.
"I certainly hope that's not the case, father,"
Summer said reproachfully.
Kurt reddened. "I didn't mean ..." He was saved by
his stomach trying to leave by his ears. By the look on
Summer's face he was not alone in his discomfort.
"I ..." Summer held her stomach, "think ... I'm ...
going ... Aaah ..." She sighed with relief "Some fuzzy
logic would help with the gravity switching there, I'm
sure."
"I think we've arrived," Kurt said unnecessarily.
*
Kurt and Summer boarded Marshia through a narrow
passage, forcing them to walk in single file. A tingling in
the base of the neck told them they were being subjected
to a thorough scan.
The passage opened into a gigantic chamber of
indeterminate shape.
Hundreds of purple-clad people worked and
walked around hundreds of workstations. Only those who
shared the floor with the Naizes also shared their
orientation. Off the floor, there was no "up". People
24
THE ARDLY EFFECT
moved and walked around walls and in mid-air at
impossible angles.
Kurt and Summer gawked around them. Summer
was the first to speak. "How come their change doesn't
fall out of their pockets?"
A warm, crystal clear woman's voice spoke from
inches behind their heads.
EACH MEMBER'S RELATIVE MOTION
VECTOR IS MAINTAINED BY AN INDIVIDUAL
GRAVITONIC PROJECTION.
They spun round to face the owner of this
strangely intimate voice.
WELCOME ABOARD DOCTORS NAIZE AND
NAIZE.
They looked back down the deserted passage.
"May I concur with that sentiment." This time a
man's voice sounded from behind them. They spun round
again.
"I am West. I have been appointed by and therefore
represent the Board of Governors on this expedition. I
hope the transitory phase from the planet's surface was
correspondent to your expectations?" A well-built man of
thirtyish stood before them, hand extended to Kurt. They
shook hands. "It is a singular honour to meet the man and
daughter team whose endeavours made this all possible,"
said West, indicating the chamber.
"Thank you," said Kurt. "I ... We have never seen
our work ..." Kurt was lost for words.
"We knew all this was possible in theory," Summer
helped her father. "But to actually see it put into practice
...Well. It's just fantastic."
25
GARY BAKER
"Yes," West drawled. He looked faintly amused.
"And by the puzzled expressions you had earlier, I think
you must have been communicating with Marshia."
"Marshia?" Summer asked. "The ship?"
"Yes," West drawled again. "That disembodied
voice at the back of your head. That's Marshia."
Summer looked around uncertainly. "Hello,
Marshia," she ventured.
HELLO ONCE AGAIN DOCTOR NAIZE.
"Marshia speaks to us individually or collectively,"
explained West, turning and drawing Kurt and Summer
along with his body language. He addressed Summer, "I
presume Marshia responded to you even though I could
hear nothing. Doctor Naize?"
"Yes, she did. And please, call me Summer."
"And I'm Kurt."
"I'm just West I'm afraid." West paused, frowning,
trying to find the right phrases. "Marshia's voice seems to
emanate from your right shoulder when speaking to you
alone. Sort of conspiratorially, if you like. And from
behind when others in the neighbourhood can hear too.
Demonstrate please, Marshia."
UNDERSTOOD. THIS IS A GROUP
STATEMENT.
Both Kurt and Summer nodded.
THIS IS AN INDIVIDUAL STATEMENT.
Kurt and Summer smiled, nodded and aha'ed.
"I tell you this because you will be interacting with
Marshia for just about everything you need. And now,"
West clapped and rubbed his hands together, "a quick
tour and then I'll show you your quarters where you can
26
THE ARDLY EFFECT
freshen up for dinner this evening with Captain Phoenix.
Agreed?"
Without waiting for a response West was off as if
pricked by a pin.
West reminded Summer of one of those red-beaked
birds you sometimes see at the sea shore. Its progress was
a series of quick dashes punctuated by moments of
stillness, study or frantic probing. Only in West's case, his
dashes were punctuated by bouts of vague arm waving
with lots of "Well, you probably know more about this
than me anyway. "
It turned out that the huge, busy chamber they had first
entered was referred to imaginatively as A Deck.
Everyone on A Deck was monitoring some part of
Marshia. Marshia took care of her own electronics, but
people were needed to monitor and maintain the vast
amount of mechanics on board. Robots, though clever
enough, having use of Marshia's vast intelligence, were
not sufficiently adept and so were mainly used for simple
cleaning or labouring.
The first stop on the tour was the spherical Gravitonic
induction chamber Here, they quickly learned that all
they had to do was step meaningfully in any direction and
at any angle and Marshia would provide a highly
localised gravitational field, or Gravitonic Projection, to
keep them feeling upright. They could stand anywhere in
the room and at any angle and still feel quite comfortable
as if it was everything else that was the wrong way up.
Kurt's and Summer's first tentative steps up the wall were
27
GARY BAKER
quickly superseded by a raucous game of 3D tag. This
quickly degenerated into a mock gymnastics with, at one
stage, Kurt balancing on his nose apparently supported
by Summer's left earlobe.
West tolerated the pair's antics for a few minutes
before drawling, "Ye-es," and ushering them flushed and
giggling out of the induction chamber. "On a more
serious note," West cut through their chuckling, "that,
umm, feature, is available everywhere except your
sleeping quarters." Kurt and Summer looked suitably
solemn. "Apparently, Marshia had trouble with some
crew members beating themselves senseless during
'flying' dreams."
He then mumbled, "Engineering please, Marshia."
UNDERSTOOD.
The world moved.
To Kurt and Summer it seemed as though the entire
ship, its people and contents were manoeuvring as one to
avoid them. While the three of them stayed perfectly still
with respect to one another, walls, people, machines,
everything seemed to move out of their way. They were,
they soon realised, "flying" in perfect formation under
Marshia's careful guidance.
West looked at the Naizes with a twinkle in his
eye. "I love this bit," he said.
After the induction chamber, the rest of the tour
was pretty dull. They were shown the huge Gravitonic
Projector capable of generating a gravitational field akin
to a black hole just outside the ship's hull. Marshia
travelled through space by "falling" in the direction of the
projected gravitational field.
28
THE ARDLY EFFECT
They visited the Scanner chamber where their new
bristling Gravitonic Scanner was housed next to the much
larger, conventional Beta scanner. A quick round of the
recreation areas, bars, eateries and games chambers and
West paused, consulting his analogue wrist watch.
He clapped and rubbed his hands together. "Well, I
think that's enough for now. I think you've got the hang
of it. Dinner in one hour. I'll see you then." He mumbled
something to Marshia and was flying off along the
corridor.
Kurt and Summer looked at one another
"Try it," said Kurt.
"Marshia?" Summer said to the air. "Could you
take us to our quarters?"
YES, DOCTOR NAIZE.
Summer looked quizzically at her father.
Nothing happened.
"Take us to our quarters please, Marshia," said
Kurt.
UNDERSTOOD.
And they were off
Chapter 5 : Speculate
Kurt was deposited gently in his unexpectedly luxurious
quarters. He'd noticed no other crew members "flying"
and resolved to use more traditional methods in future.
29
GARY BAKER
The activity might be considered a waste of valuable
resources.
His luggage stood neatly by the large double bed.
There were two comfortable -looking chairs and a
sumptuous sofa angled towards a large holoscreen
display on one wall. The screen showed a view of a
dismal grey Horridoa hanging forlornly in the void.
Kurt unpacked, showered, changed and sat
thoughtfully in front of the holoscreen.
"Marshia?" Kurt asked tentatively.
YES, DOCTOR NAIZE?
"Do you know about the disappearance of the
sixteen drones?"
YES, DOCTOR NAIZE.
"Analysis?"
FROM THE DRONES' MOTION VECTORS IT
WOULD APPEAR THEY WERE HOMING IN ON
SOME SMALL OBJECT. FROM THE DRONES' BETA
SCANNER RESULTS IT WOULD APPEAR THE
OBJECT WAS AN ASTEROID COMPOSED
LARGELY OF ICE AND LESS THAN A THOUSAND
YARDS IN DIAMETER.
"The drones disappeared some way off from the
asteroid. Correct?"
YES, DOCTOR NAIZE.
"Did something from the asteroid destroy them?"
NOTHING WAS DETECTED BY THE
SCANNERS.
"Could you have destroyed one of those drones
without the means of destruction being detected?"
NO, DOCTOR NAIZE. LASERS, ION BEAMS,
30
THE ARDLY EFFECT
MISSILES AND GRAVITONIC PROJECTIONS
WOULD ALL HAVE BEEN DETECTED BY THE
SCANNERS.
"They disappeared simultaneously. Correct?"
THAT IS INACCURATE.
"It is?"
THE DRONES DID NOT ALL STOP
TRANSMITTING SIMULTANEOUSLY.
"Show me."
UNDERSTOOD.
The holoscreen cleared to show sixteen cigar
shaped drones together with the times of their
disappearances. Two went simultaneously while the
others varied by between a few milliseconds and almost
two seconds.
"Show me graphically."
UNDERSTOOD.
A bar chart appeared with the most recent
disappearance first. The bars got progressively longer, as
one would expect.
Kurt frowned at the screen.
"Show me that in 3-D with the drones in their
relative positions."
UNDERSTOOD.
The chart described a bowl shape with the drones
which disappeared earliest towards the lowest point.
THAT IS A MOST INTERESTING
PERSPECTIVE, DOCTOR.
"Show the relative position of the asteroid."
UNDERSTOOD.
An asteroid shape appeared high and to the left of
31
GARY BAKER
the bowl.
"Interesting." Kurt pondered the screen for a while.
"Show this to Summer, please Marshia."
UNDERSTOOD.
A few seconds later, Summer's image appeared in
one comer of the holoscreen. She was towelling her hair.
"That's interesting," said Summer. "It looks as
though the drones were all shot down when they reached
a certain distance from something not shown to the right
of that asteroid."
"Either that, or they ran into something very big
and very round and very invisible," said Kurt
thoughtfully.
"A black hole?" suggested Summer.
THE BETA SCANNERS WOULD HAVE
DETECTED ANY BLACK HOLES IN THE REGION,
DOCTOR NAIZE.
"So, what do you think it is, Marshia?" asked
Summer.
THERE IS INSUFFICIENT DATA FOR AN
ABSOLUTE CONCLUSION. WOULD YOU CARE
FOR ME TO SPECULATE?
"Yes, please."
ONE: THE DATA IS UNRELIABLE DUE TO A
MALFUNCTION OF THE DRONES OR THE
RECEIVING STATION.
TWO: THE DATA HAS BEEN
MANUFACTURED BY THE ENEMY TO DIVERT A
CLASS A BATTLE CRUISER FROM THE GREAT
REVENGE.
THREE: THE ENEMY HAVE A NEW WEAPON
32
THE ARDLY EFFECT
WHICH THE DRONES STUMBLED UPON.
SHOULD I CONTINUE?
"No. Thank you, Marshia."
"How soon before we reach the area, Marshia?"
asked Kurt.
FORTY-EIGHT HOURS, DOCTOR NAIZE.
Kurt rose. "I'll see you at dinner. Summer I'm
going for a walk. Have a bit of a think."
"Later, Pop."
Kurt's thoughts quickly drifted away from the
probes' mysterious disappearances. As he meandered
along Marshia's seemingly endless corridors he became
impressed by the friendliness and politeness shown by
each crew member he encountered.
Passing through a quiet rest area, Kurt's attention
was drawn to a large clear bulb which appeared to project
into space. It turned out to be a transparent bubble about
twelve yards in diameter held against the side of the ship.
It was accessible through a narrow passageway the sides
of which were practically invisible.
Kurt could see some recognisable constellations
through the clear walls of the bubble but held back from
entering.
I UNDERSTAND AN EXCURSION IN THE
TRANSPOD IS A VERY STIMULATING
EXPERIENCE.
Kurt was momentarily taken aback at Marshia's
intrusive explanation of the strange sight in front of him.
"Transpod?" he asked.
AN EXCELLENT OBSERVATION TOOL USED
MAINLY FOR ENTERTAINMENT PLEASE. STEP
GARY BAKER
INSIDE, DRNAIZE.
Kurt ducked unnecessarily as he entered the
transparent passageway. He couldn't help but place each
foot gingerly, holding his arms out like a tightrope
walker Kurt paused and swallowed hard telling himself
that no matter what his senses told him, he was safe and
no, Marshia was not laughing at him. She was just a
machine. He silently urged himself forward.
Kurt made himself look up from his feet. Any
trepidation he'd felt swiftly left him. His eyes and mouth
opened wide as he gazed out at the familiar constellations
that shone back at him with unbelievable clarity.
He had reached the centre of the clear sphere
before he realised he was no longer walking on a solid
floor but was being held by Marshia's gravitonic
projections.
A gentle hiss and the faintest of movements told
Kurt he was being sealed in and this strangest of crafts
was floating free.
SIMPLY LEAN IN THE DIRECTION YOU
WISH TO GO, DOCTOR.
Kurt experimented with a gentle lean.
The huge white wall that was Marshia's exterior
fell rapidly away. The sensation was supremely
exhilarating. A feeling of power and security engulfed
Kurt. He knew it was him in the transparent sphere that
was moving but it still felt all the world like the gigantic
space ship, the planet looming beyond and the
surrounding stars were all dancing to his tune.
"It's fantastic!" said Kurt making the transpod dip
and swoop around Marshia. "Summer will love this."
34
THE ARDLY EFFECT
IT IS VERY POPULAR WITH SOME CREW
MEMBERS.
Kurt turned the transpod away from the bright
mass of Marshia. Stars and deep space captured his
attention. He gazed out of his tiny bubble totally
enthralled.
"This is truly amazing," he said. "You must keep
one set of optical sensors trained out there all the time."
BETA SCANNERS HAVE GREATER RANGE
AND DEFINITION, DOCTOR.
"Yes, but it's so beautiful."
IT IS VERY POPULAR WITH SOME CREW
MEMBERS.
"Don't you sometimes just stare out there in
wonder and think about ... I don't know ... where it all
came from?"
A NON-CAUSAL EVENT IN PRE-SPACE-
TIME. AN INEVITABLE HEISENBERG EVENT
"Don't you wonder about things, Marshia?"
I ANALYSE, CATEGORISE AND FORMALISE
MY INPUT DATA, DOCTOR.
"I suppose wondering is not in your repertoire."
Kurt was not being derisive.
NO, DOCTOR.
"We ... people ... I ... wonder too much perhaps.
Sometimes I feel so small. So powerless. Foetal. Things
happen. Stars explode. Planets die. Animals, people die in
such pain. We're so helpless. Why?"
IT WOULD SEEM LOGICAL THAT THE
QUESTION IS INVALID.
"What question?"
35
GARY BAKER
THE QUESTION OF WHY THINGS ARE AS
THEY ARE, DOCTOR.
"Yes," Kurt said absently. He squinted at a
particularly blue star "Perhaps life is the universe's
attempt to overcome its own limitations. We are all of this
universe. Defined and encompassed within it."
I AM CURIOUS ABOUT SOMETHING
DOCTOR.
"What's that, Marshia?"
CREW MEMBERS IN THE TRANSPOD OFTEN
SHARE THEIR THOUGHTS ABOUT THE UNIVERSE
WITH ME. SOME WILL EVEN CRY. WHY IS THAT,
DOCTOR?
Kurt thought for a moment. "Being presented with
the huge indifference of the universe, I guess."
He felt sad. He could feel his mood sinking. Kurt
resisted the urge to start dwelling on questions of the
meaninglessness of it all variety. A particularly starless
and black area between constellations reminded him of
the problems he had to ponder back aboard Marshia.
"Take me back please, Marshia."
UNDERSTOOD.
Chapter 6 : Dinner
Captain Phoenix turned out to be a handsome, if portly,
middle-aged gentleman. He wore the standard issue
36
THE ARDLY EFFECT
purple uniform with no frills or any insignia of rank.
Summer and Kurt were greeted by Phoenix's
outstretched hand. "Doctors, welcome aboard. May I
introduce my wife, Tracy ..." A Junoesque young woman
bowed gracefully to Kurt revealing, a cleavage young
men would die for and old men could die from.
"Hello," she purred, managing to breathe out far
too much air.
"Commander Apricot ..." continued Captain
Phoenix, indicating an outrageously handsome young
man beaming at Summer "... and West you've met."
"Indeed," said West. "May I say how charming you
both look." An awkward pause was followed by coughs
and invitations to be seated.
Tracy was the first to break the silence while the
soup was being efficiently dispensed by silent stewards.
"So, Doctor Naize..."
"Please. Call me Kurt."
Tracy kept her lips puckered for what seemed an
age before saying his name. "Kurt. So you're the one who
upset Birdie. Tearing him away from his beloved battle
plans."
"Birdie?" queried Kurt.
Captain Phoenix raised an embarrassed finger.
"That's me, I'm afraid."
Kurt looked pointedly at Summer knowing she was
about to ask if the nickname referred to his surname or to
being one under par in some department. Spotting her
father's disapproving glance Summer swallowed the
question.
"Upset you Captain?" Kurt turned to Phoenix. "In
37
GARY BAKER
what way?"
Before Phoenix could reply, Apricot turned to
Summer and said, "This new scanner of yours looks most
interesting. Tell me about it."
"I'm sorry," Summer replied, "but I would be
interested to hear what the Captain has to say."
Captain Phoenix looked embarrassed again.
"Perhaps this is not the best time to discuss this."
"Could I hazard a guess?" ventured Kurt. "If I were
in your position I would probably regard this whole
expedition with some cynicism, to say the least. "
"It's not that, exactly ..." Captain Phoenix said
hesitantly. "But..."
"This isn't some wild goose chase, you know,"
Summer interrupted the Captain. "There could be
something very significant out there which could affect
the whole course of the war."
"Yes, I'm sure ..." began the Captain.
He was cut short by Apricot who said, "By causing
us to lose it, perhaps?" Apricot immediately regretted his
sarcastic tone.
Summer flushed. "Something that can cause that
much destruction must be investigated. I would have
thought that even a gung-ho dullard could have worked
that one out!"
"Summer!" Kurt admonished his daughter. "We are
the Captain's guests!"
"Yes," said Summer, "I'm sorry. But talk of
winning or losing this war is a little ridiculous don't you
think? Especially when there's something of such obvious
destructive power out there."
THE ARDLY EFFECT
Apricot inhaled to take up the challenge but was
thankfully interrupted.
AAWOOGAARGH. Said Marshia coolly. I AM
TRACKING AN ENEMY SCOUT SHIR REQUEST
CONDITION YELLOW.
"Granted!" said Captain Phoenix. "With me,
Apricot, and please excuse us ladies, gentlemen."
Phoenix and Apricot left at a trot.
"Well, how exciting," said West, not sounding
particularly excited. "An enemy scout ship. So soon too.
Whatever next?"
"Whatever next, indeed," purred Tracy, leaning
towards Kurt. "Tell me," she said, gripping a roll firmly
with both hands, "what sort of Doctor are you, Kurt?"
Tracy dug her thumbs gently into the yielding bun and
parted it into two appetising halves.
"I'm just a humble physicist," said Kurt, his eyes
following one half of the bun as it was placed between
Tracy's white teeth and ruby lips.
"So you know all about things physical?" said
Tracy.
"Not a//," said Kurt, 'lust some"
"My father is an expert on gravity," said Summer
smiling sweetly at Tracy. "And how, eventually,
everything succumbs to it. "
"I like to think of myself as a bit of an expert on
attraction," said Tracy, not missing a heartbeat.
"I've never thought of it like that before," said
West.
"What?" said Summer.
"Everything succumbing to gravity. In the end,"
39
GARY BAKER
said West. "The big crunch, and all." He looked
thoughtful for half a second before saying brightly, "Still,
not my thing really. I don't like to get bogged down with
the little detailie things like you scientists types. I like to
keep my eye on the whole picture. The overall scene. The
big ... picture. More of the manager of managers role for
me."
"I can see that," said Summer over West's head.
"Where would Mrs Doctor Naize be?" asked Tracy
removing some butter from her nail by sticking the whole
finger in her mouth and then withdrawing the moist digit
very slowly.
"She died some time ago," said Kurt.
"Handsome and available," said Tracy with the
sensitivity of a post-coital black widow.
"So what do you do as representative of the
Board?" Summer asked West, hoping he would talk
enough for her to get on with her meal without having to
listen to the intellectually challenged set of breasts
chatting up her dad.
"A very interesting question," said West, steepling
his fingers. "Before this appointment, I was Head of
Workforce Consumables Appropriations at the Board's
head offices on Tao. I headed an initiative which looked
at the economic implications of certain sheet connection
module recycling processes. Some of which would hold
department heads accountable for over stock usage as
laid out in a study I conducted. All, I might add, done on
my own initiative. The reaction was most encouraging
and it seems that all heads of departments unanimously
voted for my promotion to this position."
40
THE ARDLY EFFECT
"You mean," said Summer pausing to chew some
food, "after you showed the department heads how to
save paperclips, they elected to send you into space?"
"Well, I think there was a little more to it than
that," said West. "They did say that I had demonstrated an
unusual ability to get right to the heart of a detail that
had, in the main, been completely overlooked by
everyone on the Board. It was thought that my, dare I say,
talent, would be best utilised on a mission such as this."
"I can relate to that," said Summer.
"Thank you," said West.
Chapter 7 : Enemy
Phoenix and Apricot entered the control room at a trot.
A perspiring young woman manning the auxiliary
communications console said nervously, "Enemy scout
ship located sir."
Phoenix, trying not to breathe hard, put a
reassuring hand on her shoulder "Chin up. Sprigs.
Remember your rehearsals. This is what we were born
for!"
The communications officer flushed damply, set
41
GARY BAKER
her jaw and tried not to be sick.
Phoenix strode confidently to his imposing padded
seat. He addressed the room.
"I know you'll all do your best. Years of rehearsals
have led us to this moment. Our destinies are tied
together forever. Our people have entrusted their very
lives into our hands. Their fate is in our ... hands. Chin
up. Remember your rehearsals. This is what we were
bom for! " Apricot applauded enthusiastically.
"That'll do, Commander," said Phoenix
reproachfully. "Now, let's put all that rehearsing into
effect shall we." Phoenix set his jaw.
"Marshia?" he said.
YES, CAPTAIN PHOENIX?
"Sneak up behind that enemy vessel and disable
it!"
UNDERSTOOD. ALL CREW. CONDITION
RED. YOU HAVE THIRTY SECONDS TO TIE DOWN.
"At last! " exclaimed Phoenix strapping himself in.
"Action! Come on Apricot! Put the screen on. I don't
want to miss any of this."
The large screen showed a larger portion of starry
space. If you stared really hard and long enough at one of
the stars near the edge of the screen you could just make
out that they were moving.
A few minutes passed.
"What's happening, Marshia?" asked Phoenix at
last.
WE ARE SNEAKING UP BEHIND THE
ENEMY, CAPTAIN.
"Good, good." Phoenix drummed his fingers.
42
THE ARDLY EFFECT
Apricot arranged his features to indicate his
agreement and support of Phoenix.
A few more minutes passed.
Someone coughed.
"And how long will this take, Marshia?" asked
Phoenix.
NINETY-SIX HOURS, CAPTAIN.
"Four days?"
YES, CAPTAIN.
Phoenix thought for a moment.
"Just time to finish dinner, I think." Phoenix
unstrapped himself and rose to leave. "Keep me posted,
Marshia."
UNDERSTOOD.
Chapter 8 : Dessert
Phoenix and Apricot entered the dining room and settled
into their places. Stewards placed plates of food in front
of them.
West's face pointed at Phoenix, eyebrows
quizzically raised. As did Tracy's, Kurt's and Summer's.
Phoenix and Apricot seemed to be in some kind of
synchronised elbow dancing competition as they tucked
into their plates of food. After several minutes of
mastication during which he was oblivious to the group
stare. Phoenix looked up.
GARY BAKER
"Ah!" Phoenix exclaimed, reahsing the assembly
had been waiting patiently for an explanation of the code
red alert recently instigated. "You're probably wondering
about the code red thingy ..." Phoenix waved his knife in
the general direction of the red hue that had insinuated
itself into the room's lighting. "Nothing to worry about.
Just sneaking up on an enemy ship."
"You mean we're going into battle?" demanded
West, rising in alarm. "Shouldn't you be doing something
on the bridge, or something?"
"Well ..."began Phoenix.
"Shouldn't we be in some kind of protective
bunker, or something?" said West, panic creeping into his
voice.
Phoenix patted the air over his plate trying to make
be calm motions but succeeded only in losing the peas off
his fork. "Now let's stay calm. Nothing is likely to
happen within the next few days," he said.
"Likely?" West's voice rose an octave. "Likely?"
"Days?" said Summer ignoring West's concern.
"Days?" Echoed Kurt.
Tracy motioned to a steward. "I think we're all
ready for dessert now. Thanks," she said to the steward as
the plates were expertly removed from the table. "I do
think using stewards, real people, is much better than
those replicator things, don't you?" she said to anyone
who was listening.
"We don't have a bridge, interestingly," said
Apricot turning to West. "We have, what we sometimes
call the control room. And sometimes we refer to it as the
ops room." Apricot continued, ignoring the malevolent
44
THE ARDLY EFFECT
glare from West. "I must confess, I'm not sure when to
use which. But ..." in a conspiratorial tone, "... I don't
think anyone else knows either "
Phoenix reddened. "Might I remind you Mister
West that we are at a state of ... in a state of war One of
the prerequisites, and indeed some regard it an important
identifying feature, is that we, on occasion, regrettably,
engage in combat."
"Is this diversion absolutely necessary given the
importance of our task?" asked Kurt.
West's face was a picture of injured disbelief "But
I was led to believe this was a simple exploratory mission
based on some crackpot assertions that had no foundation
in realify and that there certainly would be no possible
chance there would be any possibilify of any dangerous
possibilities being entered into at all," West said in one
impressive breath.
"Now, the origin of the word 'bridge' I do know,"
volunteered Apricot.
'"crackpot assertions'?" Summer was appalled at
West's comments. It was her turn to raise her voice an
octave, '"no foundation in realify'?"
Phoenix tried to gain control of the situation. "The
ship we are tracking is headed towards the same area as
ourselves so it has to be engaged," he said.
West sat down looking rather pale as the stewards
arrived with dessert.
Tracy dived into the fruit concoction with gusto.
"Hmmm," she enthused, lifting a heaped spoon in Kurt's
direction. "You really must try some."
Kurt declined.
45
GARY BAKER
"Anyway," West stabbed at his fruit, "this is
probably all old hat to you isn't it. " He looked pointedly
at Phoenix. "Been in many a bloody conflict, I'll bet. "
Phoenix concentrated on his food. As did Apricot.
"Haven't you?" West squeaked.
When Phoenix did not respond West dropped his
spoon and excused himself from the room holding his
stomach.
Phoenix looked embarrassed.
Kurt looked cross.
Apricot looked at Phoenix and then looked cross.
Summer folded her arms crossly.
Tracy sucked on a peach segment.
The steward looked at the ceiling.
Chapter 9 : Capture
Just a couple of hundred million miles from Marshia was
a darkened room that had neither doors nor windows. The
only illumination in the room came from a flickering
display screen which lit up the face of the small, dark,
bearded man peering intently into it. Wires from a skull
cap disappeared into the gloom above him. In each hand
he held a joystick which he twitched occasionally.
The project was coming together nicely.
The small, dark man let go of the joysticks and
leaned back with a sigh as he realised his thoughts were
46
THE ARDLY EFFECT
starting to wander.
Absolute concentration was imperative.
That last fist-sized comet he had managed to
capture was just what the doctor ordered. It contained
some missing iron and water he so badly needed for
completion.
The thousands and thousands of hours he had spent
coaxing and cajoling the molecules into place would be
paying dividends in the very near future.
Yards away, in another, brighter, room that had
neither doors nor windows, sat another small, bearded
man. The casual observer would think he was reading a
large volume on the psychology of subliminal smells in
confined spaces and the meta-language of pheromones.
But had that observer taken the trouble to glance over the
small, neat little man's shoulder he would have seen that
the man was actually conducting a detailed examination
of Miss December's ample physique.
*
Phoenix lay on his bed marvelling at his luck at being
given command of a genuine Class A Quantatronic Battle
Cruiser. 'All these personnel,' mused Phoenix. 'Relying on
me for leadership, example, strength. And we're squaring
up to the enemy. Mustn't show any weakness. Firm jaw,
steady hand. The crew do look up to me, after all.'
"Are you even trying?" Tracy's question cut across
Phoenix's thoughts. "My arm is starting to ache! It's like
trying to breathe life back into a long dead, badly shaved
albino squirrel!"
"I'm sorry pet," Phoenix looked embarrassed. "It's
the pressures, you know. "
47
GARY BAKER
Tracy jumped off the bed, pulling her dressing
gown around her shoulders. "Pressures, pressures,
pressures!" She was not a happy lady. "Same old excuse.
I am now going to take a shower because somehow I've
worked up a sweat. Hot and still bothered!" She turned
before entering the bathroom, narrowing her eyes. "I'll be
back!" she said.
Phoenix watched the bathroom door close with
relief and trepidation.
I AM SORRY TO DISTURB YOU CAPTAIN
PHOENIX BUT THERE HAVE BEEN SOME
DEVELOPMENTS REGARDING THE ENEMY
SCOUT SHIR
Phoenix sat up eagerly. "Do you need me in the
control room?" he said.
THAT WILL NOT BE NECESSARY CAPTAIN.
"Right! I'll be there straight away." Phoenix
bounded off the bed and over to the bathroom door. "I'm
sorry pet," he shouted through the door, pulling on his
trousers. "Emergency in the control room. Back as soon
as I can." With that Phoenix dashed for the door He was
still tucking himself in in the corridor as a muffled
scream from within his cabin startled a passing crew
member.
Phoenix settled into the plush leather armchair in the
centre of the control room. "Screen on, please."
"It's on, sir," said Apricot.
Phoenix squinted at the large black square on the
wall in front. "Ah! So it is! It's difficult sometimes, you
know, to focus on the stars. Like coming across a
48
THE ARDLY EFFECT
washing line unexpectedly. Difficult to judge the distance
until you've focused on it .... sort of thing."
"Yes, sir," said Apricot.
"So, what's happening?" asked Phoenix.
Apricot frowned at the screen. "I'm not really sure,
sir," he said.
"Marshia?" said Phoenix.
UNDERSTOOD. WE ARE ONE POINT TWO
MILES TO THE REAR OF THE ENEMY SCOUT SHIP
CAPTAIN. DOCTORS NAIZE AND NAIZE HAVE
BUILT INVERTED GRAVITONIC SCANNERS
ENABLING US TO BEND ALL TRADITIONAL
SCANNING BEAMS RENDERING US EFFECTIVELY
INVISIBLE. THIS WILL CEASE TO BE EFFECTIVE
WITHIN ONE MILE OF THE TARGET SHOULD I
DESTROY THE ENEMY SCOUT SHIP CAPTAIN?
"Errmm. Not just yet, Marshia, thank you."
UNDERSTOOD.
"Put the ship on screen."
IT IS ON SCREEN CAPTAIN.
"It is?" asked Phoenix, squinting at the screen.
Apricot squinted likewise.
A red ring appeared round a tiny white dot in the
screen's centre.
"Make it bigger please Marshia."
UNDERSTOOD.
A larger red ring appeared round a tiny white dot in
the screen's centre.
"Make the image of the scout ship large enough for
us to see in some detail please Marshia," said Phoenix a
little tersely.
49
GARY BAKER
UNDERSTOOD.
The screen filled, almost audibly, with the rear
view of a rather unremarkable, but extremely white, box
shaped vessel. The bright image caused the control room
to flood with light making everyone flinch unattractively.
"It's a standard ion-drive enemy mini-transport and
scout Class "C" space only vessel, captain," volunteered
Apricot. "Capable of carrying eight personnel and a four
ton payload. A ten megawatt ion-beam mounted fore and
aft. Sub-light, five ton per second inertial moment
capacity. One three sixty degree magneto scanner Ceased
manufacture two years ago."
Phoenix frowned at Apricot and then pointed to a
red button on the arm of his chair. "What's that for?"
"Sir?" Apricot leaned forward to see what Phoenix
was pointing at.
"The button? What's it for?"
"Summoning the steward, sir."
"TVo/^ a trap door?"
"Sir?"
"Never mind," sighed Phoenix. "How many crew
on board the scout ship, Marshia?" he asked.
TWO CAPTAIN.
"Right!" Phoenix clapped his hands together
enthusiastically. "What do you recommend Apricot?"
"Perhaps we should capture the crew for
questioning sir."
"Excellent suggestion. Apricot. Excellent."
A few seconds' silence followed while Phoenix
frowned and pursed his lips in thought.
Crewperson Pending filed her nails.
50
THE ARDLY EFFECT
Someone coughed.
Phoenix came to a decision. "Marshia?"
YES CAPTAIN.
"Capture the crew of that enemy scout ship would
you please."
UNDERSTOOD.
The viewer screen went to mostly black again. The
tiny white dot in the screen's centre exploded in an
orange ball of hot gasses and assorted debris.
"My God!" said Apricot looking aghast at the
screen. "She's blown them up!"
THE ENEMY CREW ARE IN HOLDING CELL
FOURTEEN CAPTAIN.
"Well," said Phoenix enthusiastically. "Nothing
like a little action to get the blood flowing. Eh, Apricot?"
"No sir," said Apricot a little meekly.
"Can't stand around here gabbing, man," Phoenix
jumped from his seat. "I must just go and ... have a word
with my wife. I'll see you in fifteen ... make that ten
minutes in holding cell fourteen. Apricot."
"Very good, sir "
Chapter 10 : Interrogation
Sergeant Arthur, immaculately attired in Special Space
Reconnaissance Platoon light grey overalls with
matching belt and boots, blinked twice. Where there had
51
GARY BAKER
once been a pleasant view of the Armpit Nebula, there
was now a rather dull view of a light grey wall.
He noticed the left arm of his pilot's seat was
smouldering quietly and the joystick he held was no
longer connected to anything.
Sergeant Arthur's attention was drawn to the sound
of splashing water to his left.
His identical twin brother, Sergeant George, also
resplendent in Special Space Reconnaissance Platoon
light grey overalls with matching belt and boots, stood
carefully pouring steaming hot water from a kettle onto
his left foot.
But not for long.
"Ow, ooh, aargh. Bollocks! What the ...?!"
Sergeant George hopped about grabbing at his foot. The
kettle crashed to the floor.
Moving only his eyes. Sergeant Arthur examined
his surroundings. "It would appear, from a cursory
examination of our current circumstances that ..." He
flinched as Sergeant George yanked off his boot. The
application of hot water to Sergeant George's left sock, an
event of some note and rarity in its own right, released a
malevolent odour well capable of flooring all nostril
bearing entities for a radius of some twenty yards or
more. Sergeant Arthur, thankfully immunised after years
of exposure, survived. "... we've been nobbled!"
Sergeant Arthur averted his eyes. The sight of
Sergeant George massaging his besocked foot was too
much even for Sergeant Arthur's callused senses.
"It certainly looks that way, brother." Sergeant
George reinserted his damp foot into his damper boot.
52
THE ARDLY EFFECT
Much to Sergeant Arthur's relief.
"At a guess," said Sergeant Arthur, "I would say
we have been exported into the very bowels of an enemy
vessel."
"A fiendish and unsporting trick, brother."
"Expect nothing less. Expect nothing less."
Sergeant Arthur abandoned the joystick and seat. "Let us
reconnoitre the immediate area perchance to find a chink
in our enemies' defences of the weakness persuasion. "
"Right-ho, brother."
"You look over there. And I'll look ... over here."
The sergeants examined the walls of the ten by ten
cell minutely.
"Find anything?" enquired Sergeant Arthur.
"Nothing, brother."
"Door or anything?"
"Nothing, brother."
"Any seams?"
"Nothing, brother."
"Lumps? Bumps? General anomalies of a colour
persuasion?"
"Nothing, brother."
"Me neither" Sergeant Arthur scratched his head.
"Check the floor," he said at last.
The two dropped to their knees examining every
square inch of the floor intently. They rose after a few
minutes, puzzled expressions, playing like a light breeze
tickling a donkey's mane, over their faces.
"Find anything?" enquired Sergeant Arthur.
"Nothing, brother."
"Trap door or anything?"
53
GARY BAKER
"Nothing, brother."
"Any seams?"
"Nothing, brother."
"Lumps? Bumps? General anomalies of a colour
persuasion?"
"Nothing, brother."
"Me neither." Sergeant Arthur scratched his head
again. "The fiendish persuasion of the enemy defies all
imagination."
"It does indeed, brother. And they've buggered up
the kettle, brother!" said Sergeant George toeing, the
remnants of his stricken kettle. He leaned to examine the
kettle's smouldering plugless cord. "Very fiendish, very
unsporting," he said.
"Quite!" said Sergeant Arthur indignantly. "No
'more tea vicar?' for us! Not until we're out of this biscuit
tin of a room, anyway. I will be having very strong words
with whoever is in charge. You can be sure of that!"
"You do right, brother."
"Right! Let's find out exactly who is in charge."
Sergeant Arthur took a deep breath, adopted the arms-
akimbo-head-tilted-back stance reserved of one who is
about to indulge in some heavy vociferation, and fell
back startled against the wall.
"You could have warned us you were standing up
there!" gasped Sergeant Arthur clasping his chest in
alarm. Sergeant George assumed the same position in
sympathy.
"Welcome aboard, gentlemen," Phoenix said wryly
looking down from the walkway running round the top of
the cell. "I am Captain Phoenix and this is Commander
54
THE ARDLY EFFECT
Apricot my second in command. " Apricot tilted his smile
in what he hoped was a superior and intimidating way.
"And you are...?"
"Say nothing, brother," Sergeant George hissed.
The prisoners stood in determined silence.
Phoenix sighed. "Intimidate the prisoners please,
Marshia."
UNDERSTOOD, CAPTAIN.
The sergeants found themselves suddenly
suspended upside down above the centre of the cell.
Their heads level with Phoenix and Apricot. Loose
change and tea bags hit the cell floor.
"Sergeant George Puree here, governor!"
"Sergeant Arthur Puree here, sir!" The pair
shrieked in unison coming to an inverted attention.
"Thank you Marshia. You may put them down
now."
UNDERSTOOD, CAPTAIN.
The sergeants were returned gently to an upright
position on the cell floor.
"Thank you, governor," said Sergeant George
bending to retrieve his change and tea bags.
"Ditto," said Sergeant Arthur tipping a cap he was
not wearing.
"Now gentlemen." Phoenix leaned forward on the
rails. Apricot did likewise. "Do tell. Just where were you
headed?"
"Well sir," Sergeant Arthur looked embarrassed.
"You know, we're not supposed to divulge information of
that particular persuasion if captured and questioned by
the enemy. No offence intended to your present selves,
55
GARY BAKER
sir."
Sergeant George nodded in agreement.
"I'm sure you could make an exception in this case.
Marshia can be very persuasive."
UNDERSTOOD, CAPTAIN.
The two sergeants rose slowly into the air, feeling
an extra firm tug as a small gravitonic projection
threatened to remove their heads from their stretched
necks.
"Well. As you've asked," said Sergeant Arthur
through clenched teeth and throat, "we were given
instructions, of the orders persuasion, to the effect that we
should determine what events had terminated the
existence of some of your lot's little space ship things
over in sector five."
"And" continued Sergeant George, "find out what
happened, governor."
Sergeant Arthur tried to turn and frown at his
brother but couldn't.
"I see," said Phoenix.
THEY ARE TELLING THE TRUTH, CAPTAIN.
"Thank you, Marshia," said Phoenix. "Thank you,
gentlemen. That will be all for now. Marshia will take
you to a more comfortable cell. "
UNDERSTOOD.
The two sergeants were whisked up and away.
"Any chance of a cup of tea or just some water of the hot
persuasion and a mug would do ..." could be heard fading
into the distance.
"It would seem that the destruction of Naize's
drones had nothing to do with the enemy. Apricot."
56
THE ARDLY EFFECT
"Indeed, sir. Unless those two were expendable
decoys who knew nothing of the real truth, sir"
"Possible, possible."
WE WILL BE REACHING THE TARGET AREA
WITHIN THE NEXT TWO HOURS, CAPTAIN.
"Thank you, Marshia," said Phoenix. "Better keep
the scanners on full alert. Apricot."
"Yes, sir."
"The enemy will obviously notice the destruction
of their scout ship and be sending reinforcements."
"Undoubtedly, sir."
"Go to yellow alert and tell the crew to stay ...
alert."
"Consider it done, sir"
Kurt and Summer strolled arm in arm. They had left the
Captain's dining quarters and were heading in the general
direction of their own quarters.
"So, what do you think of Captain Phoenix?" asked
Summer.
"I can't make up my mind," said Kurt looking
thoughtful. "He seems a bit of a humbler on the surface
but I suspect that in the event of an emergency, when
everyone else was panicking, he would be a little island
of calm."
"Don't potential Captains of these quantatronic
battle cruisers have to be specially vetted?" asked
Summer.
"I believe so," said Kurt. "Something about their
relationship with the brain." Kurt flinched at his own
words. "I mean Marshia." He looked apologetically
57
GARY BAKER
around him.
Kurt thought a change of subject was in order
"That young commander ... what was his name?"
"Banana," said Summer dryly.
"Apricot," said Kurt. "Seemed a very nice young
fellow. Friendly. Attentive."
"If you're into labradors." Summer didn't pause for
breath. "I wouldn't buy a used space shuttle from that
West fellow but you and the Captain's wife, Spacey
Tracy, seemed to hit it off in a big way ! "
Kurt laughed. "She's quite a gal, isn't she?"
"I nearly gagged when she started sucking her
fingers and I'm sure there was a slight echo coming from
that cleavage." Summer leaned against her father
giggling.
"Sssh!" said Kurt theatrically. "Marshia might turn
us in."
ALL CONVERSATIONS ARE TREATED WITH
ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE.
"Thank you, Marshia," said Kurt. Father and
daughter looked at each other like two guilty children.
They walked in silence for a few minutes.
"What do you think the prisoners look like?" asked
Summer as they turned into the corridor leading to their
quarters.
Kurt paused for thought.
"Marshia?" he said at last.
YES, DOCTOR?
"Show us the way to the prisoners, would you?"
CERTAINLY DOCTOR.
A pale blue arrow appeared on the corridor wall
58
THE ARDLY EFFECT
pointing back the way they had come.
"Follow that arrow," said Summer pulling her
father round.
Kurt and Summer entered a quadrangle whose
overwhelming feature was that of being the dullest grey
they have ever seen. The floor, walls and very high
ceiling were all grey. Diffused lighting made judging
distances very difficult.
Along each of the four grey walls, nine or ten feet
apart, were grey doors. The two doors nearest Kurt and
Summer had a small, red light on the wall above them.
"These must be the prison cells," whispered
Summer. Kurt nodded.
Summer approached the first door. A small, grey
button with 'Show' written on it proved irresistible to her.
She pressed the button. The label on the button changed
to 'Hide'. Movement to her left caught Summer's
attention.
A large portion of the grey wall had become
transparent to reveal a small, grey cell. The cell was
furnished with two bunks, a table, two chairs, a number
of cupboards and a small, muscular, tanned man in a
black leotard doing press-ups.
Kurt and Summer watched as the man, oblivious to
their presence, went through an exhaustive exercise
routine.
The man was well into another round of press-ups
before Kurt leaned towards Summer and whispered,
"They're very fit, aren't they?"
"I don't think much of their dress sense," Summer
whispered back.
59
GARY BAKER
THAT IS CELL-MAN SECOND CLASS
RUPERT JOHNSON.
Marshia obviously made the man aware of their
presence as he stopped mid-press, stood, focused briefly
on the wall between them and jogged lightly on his toes
to the door. Leaving the cell, Johnson jogged lightly up to
Kurt and Summer and came smartly to attention.
"Cell-man second class Johnson," he said, saluting
so hard his hand vibrated. Kurt and Summer made sad,
self-conscious attempts at saluting back. Johnson looked
as though something rather smelly had been sellotaped to
his upper lip.
"We were just wondering ..." Kurt tapered off He
felt foolish suddenly.
Summer looked down squinting very hard at
something fascinating at her feet.
Johnson rolled his eyes. "Would sir and madam
like to have a butchers at the prisoners?"
Kurt nodded. "Yes please," he said.
Johnson jogged lightly in place for a second before
turning and jogging lightly over to the other grey door
with the red light above it. He came to attention and did a
smart about turn. Johnson's flamboyant pre-button-press-
wave of the finger halted while he said, "The
aforementioned prisoners will be revealed when I activate
the wall clearing button." Johnson's head motioned in the
direction of the grey wall to the right of the door. "Do not
be alarmed. The prisoners will not be aware of your
scrutinising, as the wall, which permits the passage of
light from them to us, does not permit it to pass in the
opposite direction or visa versa. Which means, they can't
60
THE ARDLY EFFECT
see us."
"A one way wall," said Summer.
"Precisely, madam," said Johnson, pressing the
button.
The wall cleared to reveal Sergeant Arthur and
Sergeant George sitting disconsolately at opposite ends of
a small grey table. Their grey uniforms blended quite
nicely with the decor
Johnson held his finger to his lips, indicating Kurt
and Summer should stay quiet and listen.
Sergeant Arthur was speaking, "... was definitely,
without a shadow of a doubt. The Meta-language of
Pheromones by Anne O'Door "
"But what," asked Sergeant George, "would
possess you to want to read such a volume, brother?"
"I didn't," said Sergeant Arthur "I just made it up.
A quip of the joke persuasion."
Sergeant George looked puzzled for a moment.
"Ah! " he said at last. He sat back. The puzzled expression
on his face refusing to leave its comfortable new home.
Sergeant Arthur sighed. "Like, Pale Rider by Annie
Mick," he said.
"I get that" said Sergeant George. "But what's
ferret-moles got to do with doors?"
"Phemmonesl" Sergeant Arthur said with
considerable irritation. " PheromonesV
The puzzled expression that had moved onto
Sergeant George's face had taken down the "For Rent"
sign and got itself on the electoral register.
"Pheromones," said Sergeant Arthur, waving a
hand vaguely in the air. "They're sort of chemicals that go
61
GARY BAKER
up your hooter and make you ... I don't know ... frisky or
of the aggressive persuasion."
Sergeant George folded his arms across his chest.
"I'd probably have been a lot quicker on the old up-take,
brother, if you'd have said, The Perfumed Garden by
Anne O'Door," he said. "Or, Clearing the Lift by Anne
O'Door."
Sergeant Arthur looked unimpressed but
thoughtful. "I wonder if there is such a thing as a ferret-
mole," he said.
"In an infinite universe anything is possible,
brother."
"Would a ferret-mole be a long thin rodent that
liked to leave piles of soil on your lawn? Perhaps a mole-
ferret would be a short-sighted stocky rodent that liked to
chase long-eared rodents down tunnels and small
underground enclaves."
"Very likely, brother," said Sergeant George,
nodding sagely. "Very likely. "
Johnson pressed the 'Hide' button making the
prisoners disappear behind a grey wall. He raised and
lowered himself on his toes.
"Code," said Johnson confidently. "The prisoners
are talking in code, the devious fiends."
"Bollocks," said Summer. Johnson's eyebrows
threatened to jump off the top of his head.
"I think," continued Summer, "you'll find they are
just two bored men talking bollocks." Summer
punctuated the sentence with a mock salute and turned to
leave.
Kurt, accompanied by a loud smirk, followed
62
THE ARDLY EFFECT
Summer from the quad.
Chapter 11 : Contact
Phoenix and Apricot watched the scanner displays
intently. The control room around them was quiet apart
from the odd cough and an occasional mysterious
beeping noise. No one seemed to know what the beeping
noise was but the ship's builders assured them it was
probably just the quanta-electronic phase shift thermo-
multiplier kicking in when someone used the tea
machine; or maybe the speedo cable was rubbing against
something.
Everyone jumped when Apricot said, "Contact!
Looks like Doctor Naize was right after all."
BOTH GRAVITONIC AND BETA SCANNERS
REGISTER AN UNIDENTIFIED OBJECT FIVE
THOUSAND YARDS AHEAD. SHOULD I DESTROY
IT CAPTAIN PHOENIX?
"Not yet Marshia. Do a full Beta scan and give me
the results."
UNDERSTOOD. THE OBJECT IS SPHERICAL
WITHIN TWO PER CENT IT IS ONE HUNDRED
YARDS IN DIAMETER. IT APPEARS TO BE SOLID
ICE. ITS TRAJECTORY IS ILLOGICAL. ONE
MOMENT PLEASE.
This sounded interesting. "Message for Kurt Naize
GARY BAKER
and Summer Naize," said Phoenix. "Please join me
immediately in the control room. End message."
UNDERSTOOD. THE OBJECT IS
TRAVELLING IN AN ORBIT AROUND ANOTHER
MUCH LARGER OBJECT. THIS LARGER OBJECT IS
NOT REGISTERING ON THE BETA SCAN. SHOULD
I DESTROY IT CAPTAIN PHOENIX?
"No Marshia. Do a full Gravitonic scan and give
me the results."
UNDERSTOOD. THE OBJECT IS SPHERICAL
WITHIN TWO PER CENT. IT IS ONE HUNDRED
YARDS IN DIAMETER. IT IS MAINLY ICE. THE
CENTRE IS HOLLOWED OUT TO A DIAMETER OF
FIVE YARDS. THERE IS A CIRCULAR HOLE OF
THREE YARDS IN DIAMETER RUNNING
THROUGH THE OBJECT. ITS TRAJECTORY IS AN
ORBIT AROUND ANOTHER MUCH LARGER
OBJECT WHICH APPEARS TO BE ATTEMPTING TO
BLOCK OUT THE GRAVITONIC SCANNING BY
GENERATING RANDOM INTERFERENCE.
"Close to one thousand yards from the smaller
object and hold, please Marshia," said Phoenix.
UNDERSTOOD. THE ORBIT OF THE
SMALLER OBJECT IS CIRCULAR TO WITHIN
ZERO POINT ZERO ZERO ZERO ONE PER CENT.
THE ORBITAL DIAMETER IS TWENTY-SIX
MILLION YARDS. THE LARGER OBJECT IS
THIRTEEN MILLION AND SIX YARDS IN
DIAMETER AND APPEARS TO CONTAIN
ANOTHER OBJECT WHICH HAS AN AVERAGE
DIAMETER OF THIRTEEN MILLION YARDS.
64
THE ARDLY EFFECT
COMPOSITION OF BOTH OBJECTS IS
INDETERMINATE.
Kurt and Summer entered the control room.
"What's going on?" Summer asked.
"I'm not one hundred per cent sure," said Phoenix,
pointing to a display showing his and Marshia's
conversation. "Read that," he said.
"Status?" Phoenix barked.
UNDERSTOOD. WE WILL BE STATIONARY
WITH RESPECT TO THE SMALLER OBJECT IN
FIVE SECONDS.
Phoenix turned to Apricot. "Take a shuttle and
team and reconnoitre that lump of ice, would you
Commander "
"Sir," said Apricot, starting to leave.
"Have all team members equipped with video and
audio relays," said Phoenix.
"Aye, aye, sir," said Apricot, leaving the control
room.
"Visual, please Marshia," said Phoenix.
UNDERSTOOD.
*
Apricot hated this bit.
He felt safe inside Marshia. Just like being
underground with lots of pretty holograms of space hung
on the wall.
Being in the shuttle was bad enough. You couldn't
kid yourself anymore in a shuttle. You really were in
space! And now, in a spacesuit for Christ's sake! With
only a tenth of an inch between you and ... Apricot shook
his head, forcing himself to concentrate on the tricky
65
GARY BAKER
business of manoeuvring using the suit thrusters.
Apricot and the other six members of the
reconnaissance team clustered around the shaft which
disappeared into the great ice ball hanging over them.
"You on the end there, stay here." Apricot pointed
to the man floating furthest from him on his right. His
voice rattled through each spacesuit's speakers. "The rest
of you, standard file formation." Apricot manoeuvred
closer to the entrance. "Lights on, videos on, keep alert,
and good luck gents." Apricot hoped the fear in his voice
would be lost over the comms link. It was. His men drew
strength from his steady tones.
Apricot turned towards the shaft.
His suit lights bounced off the walls made mirror
smooth by some unknown machine. A gentle hiss and a
nudge from his thrusters and Apricot slowly drifted into
the shaft.
Looking at the translucent walls. Apricot fancied
he could see strange alien shapes deep under the surface.
"Just irregularities in the ice" Apricot told himself.
"Steady, lads," he said out loud, more to comfort
himself than the others. His lights formed an illuminated
circle for a few yards ahead. He moved slowly forward
staring into the dark at its centre, not daring to blink.
There was an irregularity in the dark. Something
happened Apricot thought was impossible. His heart rate
increased.
He forced himself to blink. There was something
ahead! A grey circle in the centre of the blackness in front
of him. It grew as Apricot moved closer. Difficult to
make out. What was it?!
66
THE ARDLY EFFECT
A booming voice in Apricot's ear caused his heart
to leap into the arms of his trembling oesophagus.
"Just thought I'd let you know ..." It was Captain
Phoenix.
"You great stupid twonk. You moronic fart-arsed
little oick. Don 't you know what I'm doing? You cretinous
bilge brained buffoon. " Is what Apricot thought. What he
said was, "Yes, sir?"
"According to the gravitonic scanner there's
another hole running right through that iceberg you're in.
It's less than six inches in diameter and passes close to the
centre."
"Thank you sir" Apricot tried and failed to keep
the sarcasm out of his voice. "Most helpful."
"Just thought it might be useful, is all." Phoenix
sounded peevish even to his own ears. He tried to regain
some dignity with a firm, "Carry on. Commander."
Apricot waited for his heart rate to slow to a
thunderous gallop before continuing. His annoyance with
Phoenix for startling him so much made progress easier
somehow.
Before it had time to register fully. Apricot found himself
floating out of the shaft into the spherical inner chamber
Suspended in the centre of the chamber was a large
shining sphere. A thin, shiny tube left the sphere and
disappeared into a shaft opposite the one from which
Apricot had emerged. A single red light blinked on and
off on its surface. Next to the light was a large black
switch.
A movement caught Apricot's eye and his body
67
GARY BAKER
treated him to another adrenahne rush. A figure in a
spacesuit floated above him close to the chamber wall. A
neat hole, about two and a half inches in diameter, could
be seen in the centre of the figure's visor. The mangled,
fleshy mush visible inside made Apricot's stomach chum
briefly.
"That's either a dead man or a god-awful ugly alien
we have there, sir." A smirking voice belonging to a
soldier floating beside him came through Apricot's
comms link.
"Yes ... check it out, will you."
"Me sir?"
"You sir!"
Chapter 12 : Debriefing
Kurt met Summer outside Marshia's main conference
room.
"Do you know what's going on?" Kurt asked his
daughter.
"I was asked to modify some of the gravify
scanners, but no one would tell me why," she said. "No,
that's not fair. I didn't really have time to find out."
West came down the corridor towards them.
"You look troubled. Doctors," he said.
"No," said Kurt. "Just wondering what's going on.
But I guess we're about to find out."
68
THE ARDLY EFFECT
They entered the conference room with Phoenix
close behind. Apricot was waiting for them. All except
Apricot sat down. He cleared his throat, tugged at his
tunic and began, "First of all, may I thank Doctor Naize
for the extremely useful modifications she made to the
hand scanners." Apricot smiled at Summer.
"Get on with it. Commander," said Phoenix, with
some irritation.
"Sorry, sir" Apricot cleared his throat again. "We
have determined, from the stratified nature of the object,
that the ice ball was created by non-natural forces. Man-
or alien- made, in fact. The object has a hollow centre
with a round tunnel passing right through it. The
hollowing out was done to an extremely high degree of
accuracy.
"On entry into the central chamber we discovered
something floating around in a P A V M ..."
"Spacesuit!" hissed Summer to Kurt.
"Thank you, " Kurt hissed back.
"... which turned out to be a dead male. The
spacesuit and clothing worn by the man is of a design not
seen before on Edenia or Horridoa. The man died as a
result of a high speed projectile entering the face mask
causing the man's head to relocate from its normal central
position to the inside surface of the helmet. "
West swallowed audibly.
"The projectile ..." Apricot continued, holding up a
white block with protruding brass pins, "... appears to be
a standard issue three pin plug with the initials G P
scratched crudely on the back. It was found embedded in
the back-plate of the dead man's helmet."
69
GARY BAKER
"Three pin plug?" said Phoenix. "Are you
absolutely sure?"
"Yes, sir," continued Apricot. "From the
temperature of the body it was deduced that the man had
been killed only minutes before we entered the chamber "
"Are you sure?" asked Kurt in amazement. "That
seems like one hell of a coincidence."
"No doubt about it," said Apricot. "The body was
shielded from direct sunlight and its temperature was
considerably higher than the surrounding ice." Apricot
looked at his notes and continued. "A number of smaller
chambers are accessible from the main central chamber
These vary in apparent function from living quarters for
up to six individuals, workshops, and storage areas.
Again; everything we found was undoubtedly designed
for use by people or very human-like aliens, but nothing
was of recognisable origin.
"One chamber contains a fully functioning
hydrodisation plant providing power to all systems. The
power plant is more efficient than any known to us using
the surrounding ice as its raw material. The minimal
percentage shortfall in plant efficiency does, however,
give us the ability to calculate the time the plant has been
running. This appears to be approximately three thousand
years. Give or take ten years or so."
Kurt and Summer gaped at each other West
remained impassive.
Apricot consulted his notes again before
continuing. "In the centre of the main chamber is what
can only be described as a field projector of some kind. A
field of unknown type is projected from the device
70
THE ARDLY EFFECT
through the main tunnel into space. The field is
oscillating at a rate beyond the limits of our instruments.
It was this rapid oscillation that caused the interference
experienced when using tradition Beta scanners.
"The field appears to bend most radiation,
including light, along its length and then release it at
appropriate points. How this is achieved we have no idea.
The result is that anything inside the field becomes
invisible to most radiation. Light, for example, hits one
side of the spherical field, is bent around the field's
circumference and allowed to leave on the other side.
"We are, however, able to penetrate the field with
the new Naize scanners. The ice ball is a satellite of a
planet encased entirely in the projected field."
"That's incredible," said Kurt. "What's on the
planet's surface?"
"I'll come to that in a moment. Doctor," continued
Apricot. "There is a problem with the field. It's too
small."
"What do you mean?" West asked.
"The field is not quite as big as the planet was.
Most of the land masses and all of the oceans remain but
all mountains over seven thousand feet above mean sea
level have been ... well ... chopped off Their tops are
missing." Apricot paused to allow this to sink in. "It
would appear that there was life at one time. There is
some evidence of long extinct vegetation and some very
regular features indicate possible intelligences were once
at work.
"We need to turn the field off and explore the
planet's surface more thoroughly to get a better picture of
71
GARY BAKER
what is down there.
"As for why the field was put there; that remains a
mystery. One could guess that the planet's inhabitants
were trying to protect themselves or perhaps hide from
some agency as yet unknown. "
Apricot looked at his notes. "Oh yes, the projector
... the plain metalhc covering makes it impossible to see
inside. But the scanners did not pick up any electronic or
quantatronic connections to the outside panels. There is a
large black switch on one side which, it is believed, will
cut off power to the projector when thrown." Apricot
folded up his notes.
"Most interesting," said Phoenix. "Thank you
Apricot. It seems clear to me that we should switch off
the field and investigate the planet's surface."
"Are you sure the switch on the projector is the on-
off switch?" asked Summer
"Ninety nine per cent," answered Apricot.
"You've checked for booby traps?" asked Kurt.
"Yes, Doctor. As best we can."
"It is clear to me that we should contact the
Presidium immediately and await instructions," said West
firmly. "This is far too important a discovery. We must
seek authority before we do anything else."
Kurt turned to Phoenix. "I believe the Presidium
gave you total authority to proceed in whatever way you
saw fit. Captain."
West reddened. "Were the Presidium aware of the
magnitude of our findings, I'm sure the Captain will agree
Summer interrupted him. "No doubt the Presidium
72
THE ARDLY EFFECT
thought this crack-pot exploratory exercise would kill
two birds with one stone: to appease a high ranking and
well respected servant of the state and to run in a brand
new ship chock full of raw recruits. AnA you ..." Summer
pointed at West but stopped herself introducing him to
the full truth of his situation as she saw it and said
instead, "... drew the short straw."
West impressed everyone, including Summer, with
the calmness of his response.
"You are absolutely right. Doctor Naize." West
turned to Captain Phoenix. "I must insist we contact the
Presidium and await instructions before doing anything
else."
Phoenix stood up. He did not like being spoken to
like that. "Apricot! " he said firmly.
"Sir."
"Turn that damn projector thing off and get an
exploration team on the surface as soon as possible.
Doctors, as soon as Apricot has secured an area on the
surface you are welcome to join him and the team if you
wish." Phoenix moved towards the door. "West," he said,
"you get back to your masters anytime you please." He
was about to leave when Marshia interrupted.
EXCUSE ME, CAPTAIN.
"Yes, Marshia." Phoenix was annoyed at having
his exit spoiled.
I MAY HAVE SOME INFORMATION THAT
COULD AFFECT YOUR CURRENT DISCUSSIONS.
"Do tell!" said Phoenix impatiently.
I HAVE BEEN MONITORING AN ULTRA HIGH
FREQUENCY SIGNAL FROM THE PLANET DUE TO
GARY BAKER
ITS INTERMITTENT NATURE I ASSUMED IT WAS
INTERFERENCE CREATED BY THE FIELD
SURROUNDING THE PLANET. BY TAKING
MILLISECOND SAMPLES AND PIECING THEM
TOGETHER I HAVE CONSTRUCTED, WHAT
APPEARS TO BE, A COHERENT MESSAGE. DO
YOU WISH TO HEAR IT?
Phoenix was intrigued. "Yes, go ahead, Marshia."
UNDERSTOOD. MESSAGE READS: WHAT
THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR? END
MESSAGE.
Chapter 13 : Earth
I AM DETECTING ANOTHER MESSAGE, CAPTAIN.
"Yes?" said Phoenix somewhat uncertainly. "What
is it?"
UNDERSTOOD. MESSAGE READS: WELL,
ARE YOU GOING TO TURN THE DAMN THING
OFF, OR WHAT? MESSAGE ENDS.
"Turn what off?" asked Phoenix.
I BELIEVE THE MESSAGE RELATES TO THE
FIELD PROJECTED AROUND THE PLANET,
CAPTAIN.
74
THE ARDLY EFFECT
"My God!" said Summer. "There arc people down
there!"
West stepped forward. "We can't be sure they are
people," he said. "We must contact the Presidium
immediately. "
"Well they have a superb grasp of our language,"
said Kurt, "for aliens!"
"I've never saved an entire planet before," said
Phoenix wistfully. "Tell them we are on our way please
Marshia."
UNDERSTOOD.
"Apricot!"
"Sir?"
"Get that projector thing turned off and sort out a
landing shuttle. Better have a dozen or so guards go with
us too. Don't want to get mobbed by over-grateful
crowds, do we?"
"Sir."
"Are you sure this is the right place?" Phoenix asked
Apricot.
They stood at the base of a ramp in a cloud of
settling dust kicked up by the shuttle craft's landing. A
barren landscape broken by nothing at all surrounded
them.
Apricot ignored the question. "No detectable
entrances but lots of electrical activity underground
according to the scanners, sir."
Two eyes peeped timidly from the door at the top
of the ramp. "Do I really need to be here?" asked West.
He lurched forward and jogged down the ramp after
75
GARY BAKER
being shoved by an unseen hand. Summer, the unseen
hand's owner, and Kurt strode confidently down the ramp
after him.
"What's happening?" asked Summer.
"Not ..." Phoenix said, as a small grey man with a
large grey beard materialised with a pop in front of him,
"...a lot."
The small grey man coughed a querulous cough.
"May I be the first to welcome you to Earth," he said. His
voice was sublimely gentle. The sound of wisdom. He
advanced towards Summer without moving his feet.
"My," he said, "what beautiful eyes you have, my dear."
"All the better to see you with," Summer couldn't
help responding.
"I do hope it wasn't you," he said.
"Wasn't me, who?" asked Summer.
"Wasn't you who killed my brother," he replied.
"He's furious."
"I don't think it was me, Mr ...?"
"Call me Bev. Please."
"Summer," she said extending her hand, which Bev
took and shook.
"Kurt," said Kurt proffering his hand, which was
gently shaken.
"I ..." said West, manoeuvring between Kurt and
the stranger, "... am West. Board of Governors and
Presidium representative for Horridoa and Affiliated
Asteroids."
Bev ignored the outstretched hand and turned
effortlessly towards Phoenix.
"And this ..." West once more managed to be in
76
THE ARDLY EFFECT
front of the small bearded stranger, "... is Captain
Phoenix and his second in command, Commander
Apricot."
"Isn't that a fruit?" Bev asked Apricot.
"Yes, sir," said Apricot. "In name only, sir." Apricot
laughed uncertainly.
Bev turned to Phoenix. "Captain Phoenix, heh?"
"That's correct." Phoenix involuntarily clicked his
heels and bobbed his head, not hearing a quiet popping
noise behind him. "Captain of the S B C Marshia and
rescuer of worlds."
Another small grey man, similar to Bev but darker
and sporting huge black eyebrows and the expression of
an iguana passing a kidney stone, walked around from
behind Phoenix. He levelled a long, thin crinkly finger at
Phoenix who looked on in surprise as the finger
disappeared up to its second knuckle in his stomach.
"Ooh! Aaargh!" said Phoenix. "That hurt!"
"May I introduce my brother, Vick," said Bev.
"SO IT WAS YOU, WAS IT!" bellowed Vick
wagging the finger at Phoenix.
"Me who what?" said Phoenix defensively, rubbing
his stomach.
"YOU WHO KILLED ME, YOU GREAT LOUT!"
said Vick at what proved to be one floor down from the
top of his voice. He gathered himself to ascend the final
flight. "WHAT THE FLYING HAYSTACKS HAVE I
EVER DONE TO YOU?! " he bellowed.
"I'm sorry, I ..." stuttered Phoenix.
"CENTURIES!" bellowed Vick. "CENTURIES!"
Phoenix looked around apprehensively. "I don't
77
GARY BAKER
think there's any need to call your guards," he said. "We
come in peace, I assure you. "
"CEN-TUR-IES, YOU FOOL!" yelled Vick,
flapping his arms like a deranged crow. "HUNDREDS
OF BLOODY YEARS. WASTED!" he raved, stomping
around Phoenix, who tried to take up less space.
Summer moved cautiously towards Bev not
wanting to attract the attention of the strange, cross little
man. She bent to asked quietly in his ear. "If your brother
is dead, who or what ...?" she pointed to Vick who had
stomped right around Phoenix and stood facing him
again.
"AND WHY?" bellowed Vick at Phoenix. "I'LL
TELL YOU WHY," he bawled again, not waiting for a
reply. "BECAUSE YOU ARE A COMPLETE AND
TOTAL MORON! THAT'S WHY."
"Now steady on," said Phoenix, not a little
petulantly. But Vick was off again; stomping around
Phoenix and raving incoherently. Too furious to bellow
clearly.
"The transporter keeps copies of the day's ports,"
explained Bev to Summer, "so I was able to reconstruct
him from the transporter's memory. "
"Phew. Lucky," said Summer. They all watched
Vick stomp around Phoenix for a few seconds.
Summer looked puzzled. "Transported where?" she
asked.
"Sorry?" said Bev.
"Where had Vick been transported to?" asked
Summer.
"The ice satellite where you found his body," said
78
THE ARDLY EFFECT
Bev patiently.
"Oh! That was Vick!" said Summer. "There has
been some mistake. Captain Phoenix had nothing to do
with that man's death. He was already dead when
Commander Apricot found him." She turned to Apricot.
"Isn't that so Commander?"
"Indeed," said Apricot. "I discovered the body
myself. It was already dead when I arrived. Killed by
what appeared to be a high velocity standard issue three
pin plug."
"That's quite a coincidence," said Bev. "My
brother's demise and your appearance on the scene
occurring at almost the same moment."
"WHAT?" bellowed Vick.
Bev continued, "Still, you have no reason to lie
that I can determine. Please accept our apologies."
"HE DIDN'T KILL ME?" yelled Vick, jabbing
Phoenix in the stomach once again.
Bev turned to Vick. "We have guests, dear
brother," he said enthusiastically. "Let us make them feel
at home."
"BALLS!" bellowed Vick as he vanished with a
quiet pop.
"I must apologise," said Bev. "My brother is
naturally a little upset. Please, step this way." He, too,
vanished with a gentle pop.
Kurt and Summer looked at each other. Phoenix
and Apricot looked at each other. West turned to run back
up the ramp.
Their world went pop.
79
GARY BAKER
West just managed to stop himself from running headlong
into a glass cabinet chock full of crystal objets d'art.
The party found themselves standing in a large
room with a high ceiling, no windows and no visible
doors. The air smelled fresh, clean and cool.
"KEEP THAT IDIOT AWAY FROM MY
BABIES!" Vick bellowed in West's direction.
"Please, be seated," said Bev. His gentle tones had
to be obeyed.
There were plenty of large, comfortable -looking
chairs. Kurt settled next to a chair chosen by Summer. To
say the chair was comfortable would have been a terrible
insult to it. Kurt felt as if something alive, but warm and
benevolent, had taken it upon itself to hold him in what it
regarded as the most relaxing and snug position possible.
Kurt looked around at the chaos of books, disks, cubes
and all manner of strange objects.
Vick stood possessively next to his crystal cabinet
frowning at the intruders.
"Refreshments everyone?" asked Bev. No one
refused so a fine china cup and saucer containing
steaming tea materialised in each person's hand.
Kurt noted that his hand had assumed the correct
position involuntarily.
Summer laughed out loud as a small china plate
holding a scrumptious-looking cream cake appeared in
her other hand.
"That's fantastic!" exclaimed Summer, unable to
contain herself As she looked for somewhere to place the
cup and saucer so she could tuck into her cream cake, a
small exquisitely carved table appeared next to her chair.
80
THE ARDLY EFFECT
There was silence as everyone got stuck into their
tea and cake.
Everyone except Phoenix. He supped his tea
ignoring the rather sad and heavy Eccles cake which had
landed with an unappetising clunk onto his plate.
Vick smirked as he slurped his tea.
After much supping and finger licking, thanks
were proffered and graciously accepted.
Bev cleared his throat. "Well," he said, "I for one
am dying to know all about you people. Where you came
from, what you are doing here, etcetera. And I'm sure you
must be curious about us so: who's going first?"
"TELL THEM TO BUGGER OFF!" shouted Vick.
"Please excuse my brother," said Bev. "He's a little
distraught after being killed like that."
"It might be an idea to fill us in on the details of
Vick's ... accident," suggested Kurt. The idea of
discussing the previous day's accidental death of someone
who stood listening to the conversation seemed quite
normal in this place.
"Right-ho," said Bev taking a deep breath. "Vick's
death, and subsequent resurrection, is the culmination of
years, nay centuries, of dedicated, unselfish research and
hard work.
"We, Vick and myself, are all that is left of a once
mighty civilisation. This planet was populated by billions
of individuals. It enjoyed an enormously diverse flora
and fauna. An idyllic world where technology, ecology,
and phrenology combined to provide an almost perfect
environment for personal freedoms, personal growth, and
backgammon.
81
GARY BAKER
"Miniature Artificial Intelligence Devices, or
MAIDs, as we like to call them, did just about
everything. No one wanted for anything. Except perhaps
entertainment.
"People who were that way motivated jostled for
control of the numerous media. These being the most
powerful weapons in the battle to gain support from the
general populace. One of the main gladiators in the media
war was one Django Twip."
"GO, GO, DJAN-GO!" bellowed Vick imitating an
ancient slogan.
Bev continued unperturbed. "It was his ambition to
control every single aspect of the media over the whole
of Earth.
"Every year tenders were invited from would-be
televisual program providers whereby the most
entertaining pilot programs were given the best time
slots. Django Twip devised a dual series of programs
called the Two Moon Sagas." The visitors sat forward in
their seats listening intently. "He terraformed and
populated two moons orbiting a gas giant in this system
with a mixture of unsuspecting settlers and entertainers.
One moon had an extremely harsh and challenging
environment while the other was a veritable Utopian
dream. The idea was to monitor these two population
groups and televise the most entertaining bits. Reality
programming on a planetary scale, they called it."
"Unbelievable!" said Summer.
"This can't be right," exclaimed West standing up.
"I won't sit here and listen to these lies!"
Bev was surprised at the strength of reaction his
82
THE ARDLY EFFECT
story had evoked. "I don't understand," he said. "I have
no idea how I have offended you, I assure you. "
Kurt calmed things down. "Let Bev finish his story
and then we can fill him in on where we stand," he said.
Kurt turned to Bev. "All will become clear after
that. Please, do continue."
West sat down.
Bev gathered his thoughts. "Where was I?" he said.
"Oh, yes. Django Twip's Two Moon Sagas. Anyway, the
two episodes, A Moon With A View and Moon Plains
Drifter, were both rejected in favour of a documentary
called The Transsexual Exploits Of The Dual Penised
Publican Of Gamma Froth In The Armpit Nebula.
"Gamma Froth, by the way, being the last known
residence of Django Twip and his cronies.
"Django Twip's annoyance at being shunned in this
way can only be likened to being hit over the head by a
brick with the word 'Duck!' scratched on it." Bev paused
for a moment, trying to remember the last time he had
tried to construct an amusing sentence.
There was no reaction from his listeners so he
continued, "Before shooting off in disgust to Gamma
Froth, Django Twip left a small present for us. The
Brambling Field Projector of which you are aware.
"This field defeated all our best scientists. It
proved to be impenetrable and our civilisation slowly met
its end." Bev looked sad.
"How did everyone die?" asked Summer gently.
Kurt looked sternly at his daughter for being so
insensitive.
"Hopelessness mainly," said Bev. He noticed Kurt's
GARY BAKER
admonishing look at Summer. "It's quite all right," he
said. "It has to be said; there were a lot of suicides.
People had their MAIDs removed and just died naturally.
Towards the end there was a lot of conflict with various
factions fighting over scarce resources."
Bev looked at the floor "Life was ugly then. I was
ashamed for and saddened by many." There was a long
pause.
Vick sniffed loudly.
At last Bev raised his eyes and looked at Vick. "We
buried ourselves here," he said. "Vick never gave up and
battled with the field problem for centuries. He gave up
trying to transfer actual matter and instead modified the
transporter and scanners and was eventually able to
penetrate the field with cohesion data and energy. Over
the years he painstakingly moved and gathered enough
matter from near space, capturing small meteorites, dust
etcetera, so he could then transmit the cohesion data in
order to transport himself next to the projector and turn it
off An unbelievable feat. An achievement of outstanding
intellectual virtuosity, I'm sure you will agree.
"Unfortunately, just as Vick successfully
transported himself into the ice satellite he was struck
down by a ..." Bev turned to Apricot.
"A high velocity standard issue three pin plug?"
volunteered Apricot.
"Exactly," said Bev. "The rest, you know."
There was silence for a few minutes.
"So, you have the ability to move matter within the
ice satellite?" asked Kurt.
"Yes," rephed Bev.
84
THE ARDLY EFFECT
"Of over a kilo in mass?" asked Kurt.
"Yes," replied Bev.
"And the scanners to see in the satellite?" asked
Kurt.
"Yes," rephed Bev.
Kurt let Summer ask the next question. "So why
didn't you just move the switch into the off position?" she
asked.
Bev considered this for a moment before moving
casually over to Vick and giving him a resounding clop
across his left ear
Chapter 14 : Pneumatic
Bev and Vick listened intently as West gave them a
potted history of Edenia, Horridoa, and the events leading
up to the war.
Bev looked solemn. "So you are the descendants of
the settlers and entertainers put on the two moons and left
to die by Django Twip."
"It certainly looks that way," West said
thoughtfully.
"And we are the sole survivors of a once great
civihsation. A civilisation which could be reborn," Bev
said looking at Summer. She flushed. "I didn't mean you
personally" he said quickly to Summer. "But Earth could
be recolonised from your two moons."
85
GARY BAKER
West carried on and described the often tense, but
stable, political situation existing between the two moons.
Kurt described his thoughts and the events leading
up to the disappearing probes. This led to a discussion
between Apricot, Bev, West and Kurt about possibly
incorporating some of the incredible technology on Earth
with the technology aboard Marshia. Summer and Vick
had a fruitful discussion swapping ideas about improving
transporter and scanning technology.
Phoenix ate his way through seven varieties of
cream and fruit cake.
During one of those conversational silences, Bev
seized the opportunity to address the whole room. "Might
I suggest a plan of action?" The room remained silent so
Bev continued. "You should return to your ship and
inform your political masters of the situation. Your
prisoners should be released and allowed to do the same."
West began to protest, but Kurt's firm hand on his
shoulder silenced him. "This is clearly no time for a petty
war. We have to join forces and complete two tasks as
painlessly as possible. One, recolonise Earth. And two,
seek out and punish Django Twip!"
There was a general mumble of assent.
"Well," said Bev rubbing his hands together, "let's
get to it!"
The world went pop.
*
Cell-man second class Johnson was disgusted. Release
the prisoners! He'd never heard of such a thing.
Johnson did twelve more push-ups, jumped to his
feet and held his wrist checking his pulse.
86
THE ARDLY EFFECT
"Fit has a flea," he said aloud. His contentment at
the state of his heart rate did nothing to change his mood
regarding the imminent release of the two vile and
fiendish enemy agents. Especially as it was he who would
have to break the news to them.
"Unbar the door, please Marshia," he said, jogging
lightly on the spot.
UNDERSTOOD.
Johnson jogged from the cell in an exaggerated arc
ending at the neighbouring cell door. He came smartly to
attention and took a deep breath. His shoulders sagged as
he let his breath go thinking about the duty he was about
to perform. Let the buggers go! His only prisoners!
"Let's get on with it then!" he said pulling himself
up to his full five feet six. "Marshia?"
YES, CELL-MAN JOHNSON?
"Unbar the door please."
UNDERSTOOD.
The door slid open and Johnson bellowed,
"Prisoners 14725693 and 14725694! Out of your cell at
the double!"
Strictly speaking they should have been prisoners 1
and 2. But Cell-man second class Johnson was buggered
if he was going to let them know that.
Sergeant George was the first to emerge.
"Morning, comrade," he said amiably.
"Silence, that man! " bellowed Johnson.
"Mister Johnson," said Sergeant Arthur leaving the
cell to stand by his brother. "How nice of you to think of
us once more."
"Quiet in the ranks!" said Johnson. "We have
87
GARY BAKER
important issues to deal with."
"Oh, goody," said Sergeant Arthur "A visit of the
inspection persuasion perchance?" he mocked, coming
smartly to attention.
Johnson tightened his lips, ignoring the remark,
and said, "I have been instructed to inform you that; due
to the changing political situation, vis-a-vis the purported
common ancestry and Earth being what as where we all
came from in the first place, that your incarceration is to
be terminated forthwith. "
There was a lot to take in here and the pained
expressions on Sergeant Arthur' and Sergeant George's
faces where no mean testimony.
"Common ancestry?" asked Sergeant George.
"Earth?" asked Sergeant Arthur
"Terminated?" asked Sergeant George.
"It will all be explained to you in due course," said
Johnson. "In the meantime, I don't expect to see you two
back 'ere. So keep your noses clean and stay out of
trouble. Understood?"
After no discernible reaction at all from the two
men, Johnson said, "Good. Just has long has we
understand each other" Johnson came even more to
attention. "Dismiss!" he said doing a smart left turn.
Johnson jogged the exaggerated arc back to the adjoining
cell where he started doing push-ups more vigorously
than ever
Sergeant Arthur and Sergeant George looked at
each other and were just about to voice their confusion
when Marshia stepped in.
I WILL SHOW YOU TO YOUR NEW
THE ARDLY EFFECT
QUARTERS WHILE I EXPLAIN THE SITUATION IN
MORE DETAIL.
The Sergeants jumped in alarm. Their previous
dealings with Marshia had left them in no doubt as to her
capabilities.
FOLLOW THE PINK ARROWS.
Walking very close together the two hardened
space veterans followed the pink arrows that appeared at
intervals in front of them.
*
Vick and Summer were once more huddled over a
dissected piece of quanta-electronics. Summer's
exceptional inventiveness and ability to absorb new
concepts complemented Vick's vast technical knowledge
perfectly. Their mutual lust for knowledge, respect for
one another's intellect and general inability to leave
anything alone was enhancing Marshia's capabilities in
leaps and bounds.
All this was completely lost on West, who
advanced on them unceremoniously waving his note pad.
"At last," he said, somewhat out of breath. "There must
be something wrong with Marshia's paging system. I've
been trying to reach you for hours."
Vick and Summer exchanged meaningful glances.
"Mister Vick," said West, "I know you're not
interested in the future security and happiness of
mankind, and I know this is very tiresome for you, but in
the absence of my being able to locate your brother I
really do need to sit down with you and negotiate terms."
Vick stood and shouted, "LEAVE ME ALONE,
YOU WEASEL! " Then turned back to his work.
89
GARY BAKER
"Miss Summer," West implored, "can you ..." West
was interrupted by Vick who bellowed "DOCTOR
NAIZE!"
"Doctor Naize," West conceded, "can you have a
word with Mister Vick. I have a job to do as well."
Summer spoke without turning from her work.
"Job, Mr West? What job would that be?"
"I have been instructed by the High Presidium to
utilise my perspicacity and compare the postulated
contingencies with actual phenomena while maintaining
a friendly accord with my shipboard compatriots."
"You mean," said Summer, backing away from a
hatch which Vick slammed shut, "you've been told to
keep your eyes open and stay out of trouble."
West said, "Sna," which was his way of performing
a dismissive snort or small laugh. "An understandable
interpretation by one of such tender years."
Vick and Summer picked up some tools and
headed down the corridor. West flapped after them like an
owl on a string.
"What my instructions clearly mean," said West to
their backs, "is for me to enter into negotiations with the
representative of Earth in order to ease the transition back
torecolonisation."
"Make it opaque, please Marshia," said Summer.
UNDERSTOOD.
West continued, not hearing Summer's request,
"There is also the question of the technology which we
must have access to."
"Perhaps," said Summer over her shoulder, "Bev
doesn't want Earth recolonised and doesn't want to give
90
THE ARDLY EFFECT
away his technology. "
"Be that as it may," said West, almost tripping up
in his efforts to keep up with them, "this is precisely why
I have to speak with him."
Vick and Summer turned into a darkened corridor
followed by West.
"It is imperative Bev be made to realise the
benefits of coming under the High Presidium's wing. And
I ..." West's voice trailed off as he realised he was in the
dark. There was a light hissing noise and an almost
imperceptible feeling of motion.
"Doctor Naize?" said West into the gloom. "Mister
Vick?"
Summer's voice cut through the darkness, "All
right Marshia, let's have some light on the subject."
UNDERSTOOD.
The walls of the transpod cleared.
"Scanner dish 47, please Marshia," said Summer.
UNDERSTOOD.
Vick watched West intently.
West looked impassively around at the splendour
of stars, galaxies and nebulae suddenly unveiled. "If this
was supposed to startle me," he said, "then I am afraid
you are going to be sadly disappointed." West looked
down his nose at Vick and Summer. "Take me back,
please Marshia," he said.
UNDERSTOOD.
"I can see I am wasting my time here," said West,
turning to face the approaching docking port. The three
stood in silence as the transpod attached itself A gentle
hiss and the port door slid aside. West left. His note pad
91
GARY BAKER
tucked under his arm and his head held high.
Summer looked at Vick a little sheepishly. "I
suppose it was a bit childish," she said.
Vick nodded and looked at his feet. "Yes," he said
looking up. "Really mature adults would have done a
runner while he was in the dark!"
*
West waited until he was sure he was out of sight of the
transpod corridor before he let himself drop his note pad
and lean against the wall for support. He felt as though
the blood had completely deserted his head. The contents
of his stomach threatened to re-introduce themselves to
the world at large. Tears of anger and frustration pricked
at his eyes. Bastards! When will I ever learn? You try to
do something, he someone. Try to get a little respect.
How dare they!
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, MISTER WEST?
"Yes. I'm fine. Thank you Marshia."
CAN I GET YOU A DRINK OF WATER?
"Yes. Please. Thank you."
Moments later, a glass of water came gliding down
the corridor towards West. He drank thirstily, clinging to
the glass with both hands.
WOULD YOU LIKE ANOTHER GLASS OF
WATER, MISTER WEST?
"No thank you Marshia. That was nice. Thank
you."
West retrieved his note pad and walked slowly
down the corridor, not really thinking about where he
was headed. The incident had brought back the taste,
smell and sounds of the past. The stuffy science class
92
THE ARDLY EFFECT
where a boy half his size, he could not remember his
name, had pinned him to the ground. His frustration at
not being able to stand had caused West to burst into tears
in front of his class mates. The rancid smell of the boy's
body came to him once more. And years later in the
college canteen: Darlene Smart's voice filled with
contempt as she loudly rejected his nervous, halting
request that she accompany him to a piano recital. The
smell of stainless steel, plastic and boiled vegetables. The
burning cheeks and all those mocking eyes.
How many times had he been overlooked at the
Presidium? He had done his best. Worked hard. West
thought of his father. The last time he had seen him. In
the home. Sat in a wheel chair Confused. Hardly
remembering his son. Shouting, "I'm peeing myself! Oh,
God. Help me. I'm peeing myself! I'm making a mess!"
West had held his father's cool, fragile hand. "It's all
right, dad. You've got a bottle. It's all right. You're not
making a mess. It's all right." A nurse had approached
them. Spoken to his father as if he were a naughty
toddler. "Now let's not have any of that nonsense," she
had said. "Stop acting like a big baby. You're disturbing
the others."
This was his father. The man who had kissed away
his hurting knee. The man who had cried with him when
he was inoculated.
"I'm not going to end up like that, " thought West.
He stood tall and strode confidently down the
corridor.
*
Bev dashed around collecting information and data about
GARY BAKER
Earth and the various MAIDs around the planet for
transmission to Horridoa and Edenia. He skilfully
avoided any protracted meetings with West. Managing
somehow to ask more questions than he answered,
forcing West to spend days seeking out an audience with
Captain Phoenix or a High Presidium representative.
Several weeks passed by as exploration teams and
scientists from both moons were despatched to Earth to
begin verifying Bev's data. The technology they found on
Earth astounded them all. There were MAIDs for just
about everything. No single MAID was overly clever
Each one had one specialify plus the abilify to
communicate directly with almost every other MAID on
the planet. And there were hundreds of thousands of
them.
The matter transmitter MAIDs were very
impressive having a one hundred per cent success rate.
The thought recognition MAIDs were by far the most
spooky.
They were considered too dangerous for use
aboard Marshia as no one could match the mental
discipline of Bev and Vick. The initial thought
recognition MAIDs experiment was abandoned after an
incident with a young scientist being used as a guinea
pig. He was performing some particularly dreary and
repetitive matter transmitter tests. Using thought to
transfer strawberries to and from different boxes. His
mind must have wandered because the chief lab
technician's ample wife suddenly materialised on the
work bench holding a bowl of freshly whipped cream and
wearing nothing but a pair of red high-heeled shoes and a
94
THE ARDLY EFFECT
puzzled frown.
*
Kurt spent most of his time using his influence to make
sure it would be Marshia who would be sent looking for
Django Twip. He secured his own and Summer's presence
on board. He also made sure West would accompany
them but somehow forgot to mention it.
He was sitting in one of Marshia's smaller bars
sipping tea and musing about the forthcoming trip. A trip
out there. Not just to a neighbouring star but right out of
his own galaxy!
Kurt thought about a brief talk he and Bev had
enjoyed where Bev had confirmed that there were,
indeed, hundreds of thousands of intelligent life forms
scattered around the known universe. Most intelligent
forms had used their creative abilities to develop
technology with the ultimate goal of exploring space. A
very common trait, curiosity.
There were one or two civilisations of highly
intelligent beings who had developed differently for some
reason. They had used their creativeness to engulf
themselves in a lifestyle of almost impenetrable ritual.
Customs and complex ceremonies surrounded almost
every act. The resulting bonding of the individuals to the
society made them the envy of some. And targets for
derision by others.
Kurt recalled a picture of deep space he had seen
recently. A small ten by four had captured the image of
over fifty well defined galaxies and nebulae. Hundreds
more could be seen dimly in the far distance. Each cluster
of light home for dozens of life forms. Unimaginable
95
GARY BAKER
billions of thinking, feeling individuals. Just like him.
Kurt thought about the people who had died in
ignorance. Unaware of the intelligences separated from
them by a quirk of time, a small step in technology, a tiny
change of attitude.
The thought made Kurt shudder violently.
Kurt recalled something Bev had said, "There are
some wise ... insects, we would call them, that say they
can see as far as they can look. They say we live in the
centre of a huge sphere made from the backs of our
heads."
Kurt was woken from his ruminations when Tracy,
Captain Phoenix's pneumatic young wife, slid into the
seat beside him.
"Doctor Naize," she purred. "Kurt. Have you been
avoiding me?" Kurt nearly dropped his drink as Tracy
gave his upper thigh a squeeze.
"Avoiding you, Mrs Phoenix?" Kurt tried
unsuccessfully to remove his thigh.
"Tracy, please," purred Tracy.
"No ... Tracy. I've just been very busy." He felt
Tracy's finger nails gently scratch the inside of his thigh
through his trousers. And, damn it! He could feel his
genitals tingle in response.
I AM SORRY TO DISTURB YOU, DOCTOR
NAIZE.
"Marshia! Thank God" thought Kurt. "Yes,
Marshia?" he said with a slight crack in his voice.
YOUR PRESENCE IS REQUESTED IN THE
CONFERENCE ROOM.
"Thank you Marshia!" Kurt said a little too
96
THE ARDLY EFFECT
enthusiastically. "Thank you." He stood up quickly.
"Please excuse me, Tracy. I have to go."
Tracy smiled and lent forward displaying her
abundant cleavage. "See you soon," she breathed. Kurt all
but ran for the exit.
Kurt entered the conference room with Summer on his
heels. "You all right. Pop?" asked Summer. "You look a
bit flushed."
"I've been avoiding the thought recognition
MAIDs," he said. Summer looked puzzled but knew
better than to pursue the issue and sat down.
Vick stomped in with Bev gliding behind him.
West, Phoenix and Apricot were already seated.
A beep from the wall and they all swivelled to face
the large holoscreen on the conference room wall. The
screen was split vertically into two images. An ancient
female face peered back from each side. Kurt vaguely
recognised them from news reports as Presidium
members from Horridoa and Edenia. There were no
badges or insignia on their clothes and no clues in the
background so Kurt did not know which represented
which moon. In the present strange political climate Kurt
thought this may have been deliberate. A label under each
identified them as Lady Blake on the left and Mrs Peters
on the right. Kurt did not recognise the names.
There were no formalities. "It is my ... our ...
understanding that your ship is ready for immediate
dispatch," said Lady Blake with the minimum of lip
movement. "Is that correct. Captain?" she asked.
"Yes, ma'am," said Phoenix.
97
GARY BAKER
"And you are quite confident the crew are
comfortable with the new systems introduced from
Earth?"
"Yes, ma'am. We have done three successful test
hops with no problems whatsoever. "
"Hops, Captain?"
"A quick burst of faster than light travel, ma'am.
Approximately one light year in distance."
"I see. So a couple of hops would be a skip. And,
ha, ha ..." Lady Blake obviously thought whatever she
was about to say next was extremely funny. "The whole
journey, ha, ha, would be a jump. Ha, haaaa ..." Lady
Blake looked in dire danger of having a heart attach. "So
the Armpit Nebula is ... he, heee, ho hoooo ... a hop, skip,
and a jump away. Ahaaaa ..." Lady Blake disappeared
from the screen as she slipped rather ungracefully under
her desk.
Mrs Peters took up the reins, ignoring the sounds
of Lady Blake weeping with laughter in the background.
"We have some further instructions for you," she
said as a hand holding a piece of paper appeared in front
of her from off-screen. She studied the note briefly. "Ah,
yes. West?"
West shot out of his chair to attention. "Yes,
ma'am?"
"We have some special duties for you. West."
"I would be honoured to serve in whatever
capacity you see fit, ma'am. I can see you too have
perceived a need for my particular talents. The challenge
is indeed great. But, and I don't think I am being too
immodest when I say this, the role of Governor of this
98
THE ARDLY EFFECT
new and exciting planet will rest well on my shoulders."
West tucked a thumb under his lapel and began striding
confidently around the conference room. Lady Blake had
recovered. And, although somewhat dishevelled, resumed
her position most admirably.
"'Co-ordination' is the key word," continued West.
"The exploitation of this new planet needs a co-ordinated
effort of the highest scientific standards executed with
tact and sensitivity. Unlike some I could mention, I am
keenly aware of the political pitfalls that await the
unwary during this critical phase in the development of
Earth. A name, incidentally, which you may consider
changing. An obvious name comes to mind but I am far
to modest, as the planet's first Governor, to mention it."
Lady Blake started to chuckle again.
"Erm, Mr West?" Mrs Peters tried to interrupt him.
"Just West, if you don't mind ma'am. On
completion of the Governor's Mansion the first order of
business ..." Lady Blake was laughing hysterically again,
"... has to be Intellectual Property rights on the new MAI
D technology, mineral and general exploration rights. I
believe there is still some sea life wandering aimlessly
around the oceans so we have another exploitable
resource there."
"West!" Mrs Peters cut him off as he paused for
breath. "Thank you very much but we do not have the
time to listen to excerpts from your new novel. No matter
how imaginative and fantastical it may be!" Lady Blake,
her body once more racked with laughter, vanished
beneath the desk. Mrs Peters took a deep breath, raising
her voice so she could be heard over the gasps and snorts
99
GARY BAKER
coming from Lady Blake. "You will accompany the crew
of S B C Marshia on their mission acting as observer and,
dare I say it, advisor."
West stood in open mouthed disbelief Lady
Blake's arm appeared on top of the desk as she tried to
raise herself, still laughing, to her seat.
"The two captured crewmen from the scout ship
will also remain aboard. We believe they will be of some
assistance to you as they have considerable experience of
... well, scouting or reconnaissance or whatever the term
is."
"Understood, ma'am," said Phoenix.
"Doctors Naize and Naize along with ..." Mrs
Peters consulted the paper on her desk, "... Bev and Vick,
have requested that they stay on board too. We see no
reason why not as they will undoubtedly be of
immeasurable help to you. "
"Yes, ma'am. Couldn't agree more, ma'am," said
Phoenix. Lady Blake was back on screen looking as if
she had been trampled by a herd of buffalo and found the
experience quite amusing.
"It only remains for me to wish you the best of
luck," said Mrs Peters.
"Thank you, ma'am," said everyone.
"I only hope we don't cock things up at this end
and you have somewhere worthwhile to come back to!"
said Mrs Peters, casting a glance in the direction of Lady
Blake.
Lady Blake just managed to say, "Yes, and now I'm
sure it's time for you to hop it\" before she collapsed
heavily to the floor in hysterics.
100
THE ARDLY EFFECT
Thankfully, the screen went blank.
Chapter 15 : Pebbles
Before heading straight for Gamma Froth, the lion's den
as it were, it was decided they would stop off at a small
planet called Pebbles located in a star system nearby. The
atmosphere was breathable and the inhabitants not so
insecure as to think all aliens represented a deadly threat.
There, they could ask a few questions. Perhaps find out a
little more about Django Twip and his entourage.
There seemed little doubt in Bev's mind that Twip
was still alive, even after such a long time. Death had
never been allowed on Django Twip's agenda. The main
worry was how much further, if at all, he had developed
technologically. Given that his starting point had been so
far up the scale to begin with. But, according to Bev,
Django Twip was never a developer, a contributor More
a consumer, a user.
Pebbles was six hops distant. Each hop taking zero time
plus one millisecond recharge time. Apart, that is, from
Captain Phoenix's warning, the count down from ten and
the press and release of a button. Phoenix knew full well
the whole operation could be automated and take
milhseconds to travel light-years. But, well ... he had
little enough to do as it was. To have his voice booming,
101
GARY BAKER
"Crew prepare for hyperjump!" and then counting
theatrically down, "Ten, nine, eight ..." etcetera, followed
by a flamboyant button press was just too dramatic an
opportunity to be missed.
Hops one to five went very well. But when - after
setting his microphone to full echo - Captain Phoenix
said, "Crew prepare for hyperjump! -ump!" for the sixth
time and then started, "Ten-en, nine-ine ..." Apricot could
take no more. "For goodness sake press the damn
button!" he snapped, turning quite purple.
"All right-ite, all right-ite," Phoenix said
defensively. "Keep your hair on-on."
"Well!" said Apricot accusingly. "I mean!"
"You can do it-it if you want-ont," said Phoenix
petulantly.
"No, sir. That's all right," sighed Apricot. Then
added, barely audibly. "We wouldn't want to spoil your
little game, would we?"
"What was that-at?" demanded Phoenix.
UNDERSTOOD. COMMANDER APRICOT
SAID, WE WOULDN'T...
"Thank you, Marshia." Apricot interrupted
Marshia's untimely intervention. "It wasn't important, sir.
Perhaps we had better get on. "
"I've got my eye on you, Apricot-ot," said Phoenix
and, much to Apricot's relief, pressed the button.
The imposing view of the Armpit Nebula shown on
the main screen was replaced by the image of a pale
marbled planet. Patches of green, brown and blue were
visible through breaks in the white cloud cover.
Apricot tapped away at his terminal. "We have
102
THE ARDLY EFFECT
stable orbit, sir," he said. "Marshia has verified with the
planet's communications computer that we have
permission to land a small craft of up to one thousand
tons at any one of seventeen locations."
Phoenix turned to face Bev and Vick. "Any
preferences?" he asked.
"The port nearest the most highly populated
regions will probably give us the most scope," said Bev.
"Do it, please Marshia."
UNDERSTOOD. SHUTTLE ONE IS PREPARED
AND PROGRAMMED FOR LOCATION STONEWHIP
Phoenix rose to leave. "Shall we, gentlemen?
Lady?" West tried to sneak from the room unnoticed. "Mr
West?" Phoenix said pointedly. "Please. Allow me to
accompany you to the shuttle bay."
*
The away team consisted of Commander Apricot,
Sergeant Arthur, Sergeant George, Bev, Vick, Kurt,
Summer, and a reluctant West. It had been decided that
they would split into smaller teams on Pebbles. Each
team would nose around and try to gather any relevant
information. The teams would be Commander Apricot,
Bev and Vick who would check out any available Media
archives; Summer, Kurt and West would talk to the local
authorities. Sergeant Arthur and Sergeant George were
assigned the Port bars to pick up on any local gossip.
The buffeting of re-entry had just stopped when
Summer asked, "The new transporter is quite capable of
putting us safely anywhere on the planet, so why use the
shuttle?"
Bev looked up from sorting through some small
103
GARY BAKER
cubes. "It was thought prudent not to disclose our
transporter technology as it may be to our advantage to
keep it to ourselves for a while," he said passing a
handful of cubes to Vick.
"These cubes," said Bev, "which my brother will
pass around, contain various MAIDs which you may find
useful. There are language MAIDs, communication
MAIDs, defence MAIDs, information MAIDs, transport
MAIDs and enhancement MAIDs. If you ..."
"Defence MAIDs?" West interrupted. "Do you
really think we'll need them?"
"Just a precaution. If you ..."
"Enhancement MAIDs?" interrupted Summer
"What do they enhance?"
"I shall come to that in a moment," said Bev. "If
you..."
"Why language and communication MAIDs?"
interrupted Kurt. "Aren't they the same thing?" He looked
suspiciously at the cube.
"Precaution?" said West. "Precaution against
what?"
"Enhancement MAIDs?" Sergeant George winked
and nudged Sergeant Arthur "Eh? Brother?"
"Gentlemen! Please!" Bev was getting annoyed. "I
am trying to explain. Now settle down!"
The shuttle fell silent leaving only the gentle hum
of the instruments standing.
"Thank you!" said Bev. "Now. If you look
carefully at the pale side of the cube you will notice a
slight indentation."
Mumbles of "Where? Oh, yes." and the like filled
104
THE ARDLY EFFECT
the air. Bev continued, "Be prepared for a slight feeling
of disorientation. Now, press gently. "
Five cubes went pop. "Mr. West?" said Bev. West
swallowed. The sixth cube went pop.
There was a moment's silence.
"Hell's tits!" exclaimed Sergeant George. Which
just about summed up everyone else's feelings.
*
Kurt had no idea what to expect and was completely
unprepared for what happened. Some little gizmo to stick
in his ear? A pair of folding rocket powered boots?
As the cube he held popped open, a transparent
mercurial fluid flowed rapidly out over his hand and up
his arm beneath his tunic. His breath was momentarily
taken away as he felt the cool liquid cover his whole
body. It flowed right to his feet and over his head
entering every orifice it found. A moment of dizziness
and panic was immediately followed by a warm glowing
sensation and feeling of general well being.
Kurt dared to take a breath. No problem. He
looked at the backs of his hands which looked clean and
moist as if just covered in hand cream. He put his hands
to his face which felt smooth and silky. He saw that
Summer was doing the same. They smiled at each other.
*
Vick cackled. Bev clapped his hands. "Welcome to the
club," he said. "The information MAIDs are activated by
sub-vocal messages."
"Pardon me. Your Honour?" said Sergeant George.
"Talking, of the 'under your breath' persuasion,"
Sergeant Arthur hissed.
105
GARY BAKER
Bev continued, "Ask them anything you like. You
will also find you will be in direct contact with Marshia
and each other if you should so wish. We have about one
hour before landing so you can get to know your new
friends ..."
*
Kurt quickly found out about the MAIDs which
infiltrated his entire body. Some were even inside his
tissues and blood stream. They formed an effective
barrier between him and the environment. The language
MAIDs would help him read, hear and speak in virtually
any language. The communication MAIDs allowed Kurt
to communicate with his friends and with Marshia, and to
monitor most electromagnetic frequencies. Defence
MAIDs provided some protection against high speed
missiles and high temperature beams, and could generate
very destructive ion beams from his finger tips.
Information MAIDs gathered and stored data from the
other MAIDs and the environment as well as having its
own on-line encyclopaedia containing all the data ever
collected by any MAID in the past. Transport MAIDs
gave the individual transporter technology plus a limited
flight capability. Enhancement MAIDs enhanced the
individual's own biological functions giving extra
strength, speed, stamina, and the ability to survive in
hostile environments. This MAID fought off diseases and
effectively stopped all ageing.
Kurt wondered if being an immortal superman
would go to his head.
It was some time before anyone spoke. "Wow!"
said Summer. "Do we have to give these back when we
106
THE ARDLY EFFECT
go back to Marshia?" she asked.
"The defence MAIDs would not allow their
removal unless you gave permission," replied Bev. "They
are now as much a part of you as ... well, any of your
natural organs."
"Fantastic!" said Summer.
"Erm, excuse me," said West raising a finger "I
don't seem to have the defence MAIDs thingies. Is there
another box or something?"
Bev looked apologetic. "I'm sorry Mr West," he
said. "The defence MAIDs will not activate under certain
psychological profiles. And I'm afraid yours is one of
them."
"What?" blustered West. "Certain psychological
profiles?"
"It is very rare though," Bev tried to reassure West.
"But what about those two clowns?" West pointed
a trembling finger at Sergeant Arthur and Sergeant
George.
"There's no call for that!" said Sergeant Arthur
indignantly.
"It's not our fault your psychology's got a dodgy
profile. Governor," said Sergeant George.
"It's out of my hands, I'm afraid," said Bev. West
sulked.
"Hey, Pops!" Summer's voice was suddenly inside
Kurt's head. He looked at Summer who smiled back.
"Does this means no one else can hear us?" Kurt
directed the question at Summer.
"/ think so," thought Summer. "Hey West! What
makes you such a slimy maggot? Great hum. Apricot. Do
107
GARY BAKER
you work out?" Kurt chuckled. But there was no reaction
from anyone else in the room.
"Watch this," Summer said out loud to Kurt. Kurt
was suddenly reminded of when Summer was a small girl
of six or seven in the swimming pool. "Watch me,
Mummy. Daddy. Watch me." Summer would clamp a
hand over her nose, screw her eyes up tight, take a deep
breath and disappear under the water Kurt and Elspeth
would exchange that glance reserved by loving parents
for when their child was being adorable. Only this time,
instead of disappearing under water. Summer just
disappeared. With a pop. An almost, but not quite,
simultaneous pop came from behind Kurt. He spun round
and sure enough: there was Summer
"Wow!" she said.
"Awesome!" said Kurt. A word he had not used
singly since he was a teenager
"Might I recommend we keep that particular
activity down to a minimum," cautioned Bev.
Marshia's voice seemed clearer than ever
PLEASE BE SEATED. THE SHUTTLE IS
ABOUT TO DOCK.
*
Touchdown was hardly noticeable and decontamination
was passed through with no problems.
Except for Vick.
A seventeen-year-old boiled sweet which had
migrated through a hole in his pocket into the lining of
his jacket had to be extracted and incinerated. The
attached fungus was considered a hazard to other life
forms on Pebbles.
108
THE ARDLY EFFECT
The tragedy of the incinerated boiled sweet was
completely lost, as are so many such incidents, in this
hard, cold universe. Undetected by the decontamination
scanners, some enhancement MAIDs colonising Vick had
mutated after being bombarded by neutrinos during one
of his many transporter experiments. The mutant MAIDs
had occupied the boiled sweet, using it as a raw material
resource, and had evolved at an astonishing rate. They
reached full consciousness and a thriving film and
package holiday industry blossomed. They were just
about to send a documentary team out into the vast
blackness beyond the fur zone when Sacca, the great God
of heat and strange smells, engulfed their world in
flames. There were few survivors. Theirs is another story.
*
Customs presented no problems. Always a tense time,
passing through customs. Made slightly tenser by
Sergeant George who pointed at the customs official's
betrunked face and said, "Look at the boat on that,
brother! " while nudging Sergeant Arthur. "I didn't know
your Mildred was in town!"
Thankfully the Pebbles customs officials were
specially chosen for their patience and tact. Also he
hadn't understood a word Sergeant George had said.
*
The teams went their separate ways.
*
Kurt followed signs for Stonewhip Port Authority
Emigration and Immigration Department. Summer
followed Kurt hanging on to the back of his shirt so she
could have a good gawk round without bumping into
109
GARY BAKER
anything. West followed Summer looking like a small,
terrified stoat that just wanted to go home to its mother
and have a nice lie down and a cup of tea and maybe a
Bakewell tart.
Apart from the three-foot trunk sticking out of the
front of their faces, the inhabitants of Pebbles were not
unlike humans. Kurt noted that the Pebblings did not
stare at them. Humans were either very common sights or
the Pebblings were incredibly polite and heeded their
mothers when they said, "Don't stare at the alien, dear It
can't help not having all of its face".
*
The offices of the Stonewhip Port Authority Emigration
and Immigration Department were embedded deep within
a colossal sandstone building.
Kurt, with Summer and West in tow, approached a
shining white counter A small, brass, wooden handled
bell sat invitingly at its centre. Kurt looked at it
uncertainly.
"Go on," urged Summer, "ring it."
Kurt paused. "You ring it," he said, at last.
"Oh, for goodness sake!" West elbowed Kurt and
Summer out of the way, grabbed the bell and gave it a
good hard shake.
Three things happened simultaneously: an
enormous badly painted picture of a ghastly multi-eyed
monster complete with dripping fangs and outstretched
claws suddenly loomed from behind the counter; a noise
like a Tyrannosaurus Rex being relieved of its genitals by
a maniacal giggle of school girls wielding blunt bread
knives rent the air; West fainted, hitting the ground like a
no
THE ARDLY EFFECT
wet sponge.
A cheery pink face appeared from behind the
picture. A large smile could just be seen under the trunk.
The trunk's owner looked at Summer and Kurt. He then
leaned over the counter and looked down at West.
"Oops," he said. "Sorry. I thought you were someone
else." Responding to the quizzical looks of Kurt and
Summer he explained, "It's an album cover. For my
group. The Terrazoids. I just do this job for a bit of extra
cash."
Kurt and Summer nodded sympathetically.
"What do you think?" he asked pointing to the
picture.
"Well ..." Kurt rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "...
Very ... colourful," he said at last.
"Yes," agreed Summer, "very colourful."
The Pebbling looked disappointed for a moment
before putting his picture away and assuming an air of
authority. "Now," he said. "How can I help you?"
"Got any water?" asked Summer, indicating the
recumbent West.
"Oh. Yes. Certainly. Back in a tick." The Pebbling
rushed off returning seconds later with a glass of water.
Summer drank the water and dropped the glass on
West's forehead causing him to jerk to a sitting position
in alarm. "Hup you come," she said, helping a dazed West
to his feet.
The Pebbling assumed this was some sort of
strange alien custom and turned to Kurt who looked the
sanest of the bunch.
"We're actually looking for someone," said Kurt.
Ill
GARY BAKER
"And we thought you might be able to help us."
"I'll do my best," said the Pebbling.
"We're looking for a man," said Kurt.
"Will any man do?" asked the Pebbling. "Or did
you have one particular man in mind?"
"This particular man first came to these parts
around ..." Kurt paused, not really able to beheve what he
was about to say next, "... three thousand years ago."
"Are you pulling my trunk?" said the Pebbling.
"I know it's a long time ago but some of us have ...
well ... a very long hfe span," said Kurt trying to regain
some credibility. "This particular man may still be
around. "
The Pebbling looked very dubious as he pulled a
pencil from behind his ear "Name?" he demanded.
"Django Twip," said Kurt.
"Django Twip," said the Pebbling thoughtfully.
"That name rings a bell. Django Twip. Django. Django.
Django. Twip. Twip. Twip." The pebbling chewed the
pencil for a while. "Nope!" he said finally. "No one of
that name on file."
Kurt and Summer looked puzzled. West rubbed his
forehead.
"Aren't you going to look it up, or something?"
asked Summer.
"No need to," said the Pebbling. "We Pebblings
never forget!"
"But you just said it rang a bell," said Summer.
"Couldn't you just go and look it up using your ...
whatever it is you use to look things up with, thing?"
The Pebbling sighed. "Take a seat," he said. "I'll be
112
THE ARDLY EFFECT
as quick as I can."
"Thanks," said Summer as the Pebbhng
disappeared.
*
Meanwhile ...
Apricot and Vick followed Bev as he homed in on
the library.
Few of the Pebblings Bev spoke to had any idea
what a library was, never mind where is was located. In
times of distributed data networks the idea of a central
pool of information was difficult for some to
comprehend. Nevertheless, the library still existed. It was
situated underground and accessed by a very small door
with 'L br ry' written on it. It was obviously close to an
underground train line. Occasional loud rumblings and
quite violent vibrations gave the game away.
They stumbled down a badly lit stairway which
seemed to go on forever before finally opening into a
very dingy, but enormous, cavern of a room. Books,
cubes, tapes and masses of unidentifiable media lined the
walls and filled row after row of bookcases disappearing
down to the end of the room in the far distance.
Bev approached an ancient desk piled high with
books and cubes. A grey-haired, female Pebbling sat
peering intently into a dusty volume.
"Ahem," said Bev politely. The old girl did not stir.
"Ahem!" said Bev slightly louder. Still no reaction.
"A-HEM!" Bev was almost shouting. No reaction.
Vick appeared in front of him. "01!" he bellowed.
"TURN YOUR DEAF AID UP, YOU DOZY OLD
TART!" he shouted tactfully.
113
GARY BAKER
Apricot was mortified and pushed Vick out of the
way as the old lady looked slowly up from her book.
"Young man," she said, addressing Apricot and removing
the inch thick pebble glasses from the bridge of her trunk,
"rudeness is the retreat of the impotent. Now go and
stand over there." She pointed to a small alcove a few
yards away.
Apricot tried to explain. "No, that wasn't me. I just
"Must I repeat myself?" she demanded, putting
Bev in mind of Dame Margaret Rutherford with a trunk.
"But ..." A withering glare cut Apricot short. "I ..."
He started towards the alcove. Halfway there he turned
and started to protest. "This is redic ..." The glare forced
him to continue into the alcove where he stood looking
suitably pathetic. Bev and Vick looked on in sympathy.
The old dear turned to Bev and Vick. "How can I
help you, gentlemen?"
Bev stepped forward. "My brother and myself
were wondering if it would be possible to access any
archived information that had been generated as a result
of incidents that would have fallen within the arena of
'general public interest'."
"Pardon?" she said.
"WHERE'S YOUR OLD NEWSPAPERS?"
bellowed Vick.
"How far back do you wish to go?" she asked.
"THREE THOUSAND YEARS."
"Are you pulling my trunk?" she asked, replacing
her glasses.
As there was no response from either visitor she
114
THE ARDLY EFFECT
assumed they were serious and picked up a rather dusty
hand set. "Did you have anything in particular in mind?"
she asked.
"NEWS TO DO WITH US LOT MEN.
HUMANS," yelled Vick.
"Won't be a moment," she said as she started to
dial.
Meanwhile ...
Sergeant Arthur and Sergeant George wandered
aimlessly around the busy streets.
Bicycles were the predominant form of transport.
Each bicycle sported a large hooter in the middle of its
handlebars. The riders constantly walloped the hooters
with their trunks. The noise was such that no single
hooter could be heard. The cacophony filled the air like
tickertape.
Occasionally the pandemonium would increase in
their general direction and the Sergeants would be forced
to leap out of the way of some careering cyclist.
Large electrical passenger carriers threaded their
way carefully through the throng. But the cyclists always
had right of way. Most privately owned vehicles were in
the air dancing high above the streets among huge posters
and flamboyantly illuminated signs. Their brightly lit
undercarriages contrasted strikingly with the moody, grey
sky above.
Street hawkers tried to be heard above the din and
one or two dangled gaudy, flashing baubles under the
noses of the dawdling duo.
"By heck!" said Sergeant Arthur rubbing his hands
115
GARY BAKER
together. "This wind is really whistling through me
boxers."
"Indeed, brother," said Sergeant George, "it's quite
a few degrees colder than home. That's for sure."
"Now this ..." Sergeant Arthur stopped looking up
at the gaudy sign above a door way, "... looks like an
establishment of just the right persuasion."
"Indeed it does, brother," said Sergeant George.
"After you," he said bowing slightly.
"Thank you," said Sergeant Arthur, skipping
lightly through the door.
*
Throughout the known universe, in every society - from
the Wispy White Wanderers of Plaggarth's fog-filled
swamps, to the Hairless Hawkers of Hellbent Valley, to
the Dropsical Druid Dinosaurs of Gwak - there can
always be found: a bar.
The bar that Sergeant Arthur and Sergeant George
happened upon was typical of many scattered throughout
the universe: somewhere to take the weight off your
limbs, something to take the weight of your mind and
someone to take the weight off your wallet. They sat on
two spare stools at the bar
"Barkeep!" Sergeant Arthur's friendly tones
summoned the old male Pebbling who stood polishing
glasses in the time-old tradition of barmen around the
universe. "We are new to these parts so would regard
highly your advice on some tasty beverage of an
alcoholic persuasion. "
"Pardon?" said the barman. He idly wiped the
damp surface in front of the two newcomers using an
116
THE ARDLY EFFECT
even damper cloth gripped by his wrinkly nicotine
stained trunk.
"What would you recommend, friend?" asked
Sergeant George.
"Well ..." the barman looked thoughtfully at the
two men. "What sort of a mood are you in?" he asked at
last.
The Sergeants looked at each other and frowned.
"Happy?" suggested Sergeant Arthur.
"At ease with the world, brother," agreed Sergeant
George.
"Beer," said the barman.
"Beer?" said Sergeant Arthur.
"What would you have said if we had said we were
sad, friend?" asked Sergeant George.
"Beer," said the barman.
"And if we'd said ... pensive?"
"Beer."
"Cross?"
"Beer."
"Worried?"
"Beer."
"Dyspeptic?"
"I get the impression," interrupted Sergeant Arthur,
"that you only have beer. Would that be a fair
assessment?"
"No," said the barman. "But beer is the only thing
that won't knock you humans on your arses!" The other
Pebbling customers leaning and standing by the bar
snickered into their drinks.
"Are you inferring that we can't hold strong
117
GARY BAKER
drink?" Sergeant Arthur bristled.
"No," said the barman, "I'm implying it! You can
infer what you will from my implication."
Sergeant Arthur used his thumb to indicate the
Pebbling standing next to him. "I'll have a double of
whatever he's drinking," he said.
"And I'll have a double of whatever he's drinking,
friend," said Sergeant George pointing to the Pebbling sat
next to him.
The barman smiled under his trunk and went to get
the drinks. "Two large Xanthostings coming up," he said.
The other members of the bar snickered again.
Sergeant Arthur slapped some local money on the
bar and smiled confidently at Sergeant George. Two large
glasses of a viscous yellow liquid arrived. The other bar
members watched with interest as Sergeant Arthur and
Sergeant George emptied their glasses in one manly swig.
The predictable happened.
The pair managed to sing two choruses of "The
Blue Ridge Mountains of Edenia" in close harmony to an
unappreciative audience before collapsing
unceremoniously into an untidy heap.
The barman was impressed.
Meanwhile ...
West was still rubbing his forehead and looking
embarrassed when the Pebbling returned carrying an
open folder
"Any luck?" asked Kurt approaching the counter
"Not much, I'm afraid," said the Pebbling. "There
used to be a colony of humans down south in Alagamma
118
THE ARDLY EFFECT
but they relocated to Spwat III twenty years ago. Reason
for relocation given as more favourable tax concessions
for their freight business plus a start-up grant." The
Pebbling closed the folder "That's it! Nothing more I'm
afraid."
"Thanks for your time," said Kurt.
"If you hang around the space port you're bound to
run into some humans," volunteered the Pebbling. "Every
few days, when their freighters are in port, we're overrun
with them."
"Thanks again," said Kurt heading for the door.
"We'll bear that in mind."
Summer grabbed West by the elbow and steered
him towards the door. "Bye," she called cheerily over her
shoulder.
Meanwhile ...
While the ancient Pebbling librarian mumbled into
the hand set, Bev and Vick sidled over to where Apricot
stood in shame.
"Anything of any interest?" asked Bev scrutinising
the books immediately in front of Apricot.
"Where's that idiot brother of yo ... Oh." Apricot
looked in disgust at Vick who ignored him. "This is
ridiculous!" hissed Apricot.
"No matter," said Bev. "It's not important. It is far
more vital that we have the full co-operation of this
individual. If that involves you standing in a comer for a
few minutes like some naughty schoolboy. Then so be it. "
Vick sniggered.
"As a matter of fact," said Apricot, "there are one
119
GARY BAKER
or two interesting books here. Look ..." Apricot pointed
to a large amber volume with "Dogs - A Universal Life
Form Or An Ancient Civilisation?" on its spine.
"Interesting use of the word 'interesting'," said Bev
dryly.
"I was just wondering if the dachshund was called
that because it looks like a badger or because they used to
hunt badgers."
"You were?" asked Bev. "A mind like a steel trap,"
he observed. "Plenty of space to put your foot in."
"Yes," said Apricot absently as he studied some
book spines lower down.
Bev's attention was drawn to the old lady who had
suddenly leaped from her chair trying to stop piles of
papers and books from falling onto the floor It seemed
there was some ancient printing device buried on her
desk which had suddenly sprung into life.
"Oh, my goodness," she said as books fell at her
feet. The vibrating stopped after a few seconds. The old
lady reached into the pile, drew out a piece of paper and
handed it to Vick who handed it on to Bev.
"Most appreciated," said Bev.
"Suit yourself," said the old Pebbling, resuming
her seat.
"THANKS!" bellowed Vick.
"My pleasure, young man," she said to Vick while
giving Bev a dirty look.
Bev examined the piece of paper There were three
entries, each about one hundred and fifty years old and
all from a news agency based on Spwat III. The entries
read:
120
THE ARDLY EFFECT
1) Twip's Fish & Chip Emporium Fiasco.
2) Chippie Chief Challenged & Chased.
3) Forces Forget The Fishy Fiasco.
*
Sergeant Arthur and Sergeant George lay on their backs
in a small, dark room at the rear of The Green Dralon.
They each smiled sweetly at some private little thoughts,
blissfully unaware of what was about to happen next.
What did happen next was that the ice cold
contents of a water bucket were transferred, with some
gusto, from the bucket to a new location across the faces
of the recumbent duo.
Their smiles did a runner and took up residence
around the trunk of Bleasedale, the barman and proprietor
of The Green Dralon. "Good morning sleepy-heads," said
Bleasedale, good naturedly.
The two sat up. Regretting the action immediately.
"Ooh!" said Sergeant Arthur.
"Aargh! " said Sergeant George.
"Feel a bit sensitive, do we?" asked Bleasedale
with exaggerated concern.
"My mouth is of the ferret's bum persuasion," said
Sergeant Arthur with feeling.
"Ditto, brother," said Sergeant George. They
looked around at the crates, bottles and cans surrounding
them.
"What the f .." Sergeant Arthur stopped as two
large, grey, crumpled legs came shakily into focus. With
infinite care, the sergeants raised their eyes travelling up
the wrinkled legs, over a wrinkled rotund stomach
supporting a wrinkly trunk and finally stopping at two
121
GARY BAKER
smiling, wrinkled eyes. "Oh," said Sergeant Arthur, "it's
you."
"Yes," said Bleasedale.
"I suppose we ...?" said Sergeant Arthur
"Yes," said Bleasedale.
"And I expect we ...?" said Sergeant George.
"Yes," said Bleasedale.
"We didn't ...?" said Sergeant Arthur.
"Yes," said Bleasedale.
"Did we ...?" said Sergeant George."
"Yes. Now look," said Bleasedale, offering a hand
to help them up, "I'd really love to continue with this
fascinating and erudite conversation but I'm opening
again in four hours so if you don't mind I'd like a quick
chat before you go. A chat of the business persuasion."
He smiled pointedly at Sergeant Arthur.
The two brothers finally became vertical after
much grunting, wheezing and the release of some
incarcerated wind.
Bleasedale led them back into the main bar.
Walking into a solid wall of stale smoke and
alcohol fumes was almost too much for the two sergeants,
who tried to breath without actually inhaling.
They sat unsteadily on bar stools while Bleasedale
went behind the bar
"Hair of the rat?" he asked.
"A nice hot cup of tea would be just the ticket,
brother," said Sergeant George hopefully.
"Tea?" Bleasedale looked puzzled.
"Water?" suggested Sergeant Arthur
Bleasedale filled a jug with water and broke in a
122
THE ARDLY EFFECT
tray of ice cubes. He placed two glasses in front of the
sergeants. They drank like men who had just spent
seventy-two hours eating nothing but dry crackers.
"Now then," said Bleasedale putting both elbows
on the bar and digging in his ear with his trunk, "to
business. For years now I've been trying to go ... you
know ... up market a bit." The sergeants nodded. "I'm not
saying anything against the crowd I get in here. No sir.
They've kept me in kelp and petroleum jelly for a long
time. I can't deny that. But it's not quite what I had in
mind. I sort of envisaged more of a clientele who were
more on the ... you know ... dare I say intelligent side."
The sergeants nodded again. "As you probably recall" -
the twins arranged their features to look like people who
clearly could recall whatever it was they were supposed
to recall - "your rendition of your species' classical aria
was at one and the same time a resounding success and
an abject failure."
The sergeants did that not shaking but not nodding
head movement typical of people who don't know what
the hell it is they're hearing.
Bleasedale deftly flicked something his trunk had
discovered in his ear along the bar and into an ashtray.
"Let me explain," he said, allowing his trunk to continue
exploring his other ear. "Your opening number had the
effect of forcing some of my more intellectually
challenged customers to leave. And what's more, they did
so without first beating seven bells out of you." The
sergeants nodded appreciatively. "When you came round
and started on your second set" - the sergeants looked
puzzled, more unknown territory - "some passing
123
GARY BAKER
glitterati, obviously drawn to your rendition of that
classic 'Dome, Dome on the Flange', came in and started
ordering Baby Xens by the gross. Well the tone of the
whole place shot up a few octaves, I can tell you. And the
mark up on the Baby Xens is enough to straighten your
trunk." Bleasedale poured himself a small glass of
something red and knocked it back.
"So," said Bleasedale, screwing his face up and
tapping his chest with his trunk, "how about it?"
Sergeant Arthur's mind struggled with this new
concept. "You want us," he said at last, "to sing? Here?"
"I'll give you twenty per cent of the take," said
Bleasedale.
"You want us," said Sergeant George, "to sing
dodgy ... old classical songs? For money?"
"Well of course," said Bleasedale. "I wouldn't
expect you to do it for nothing, would I?"
"It's very kind of you, and all that," said Sergeant
Arthur, "and I'm sure I speak for both of us when I say
we're very flattered."
"But?" said Bleasedale.
"But we're just a pair of old space bums, brother,"
said Sergeant George. "We don't know the first thing
about entertaining folk."
"Last night," said Bleasedale, "this place was full
of the intelligentsia of Stonewhip. For the first time since
I opened. And they loved you. Classic human songs are
all the rage right now. You can't go wrong. We can't go
wrong."
"I think we'd like to think about it," said Sergeant
Arthur, standing to leave.
124
THE ARDLY EFFECT
"Sleep on it, brother," said Sergeant George also
rising.
"Well the offer stands," said Bleasedale. "You
know where I'll be."
"Sure do," said Sergeant Arthur. "Bye now. And
thanks."
"Yes," said Sergeant George. "Thanks, brother. See
you around. "
"Before you go," said Bleasedale, making them
pause at the door, "what is a 'dicky-dido'?"
Chapter 16 : Spwat III
Kurt and Phoenix were sitting talking in one of
Marshia's seven bars.
"Traffic problems mean we can't hop to Spwat III,"
said Phoenix to Kurt. "So we'll have to stroll, I'm afraid."
"So how long will it take?" asked Kurt.
"About two weeks," said Phoenix. "Just enough
time to get the hyper-jump drives fully recharged in case
we have to do some leaping around." Phoenix looked
quite pleased. "All quite exciting, really," he said rubbing
his hands together with enthusiasm.
Opposite Kurt and Phoenix sat Summer and Vick,
who were indulging in the frivolous pastime enjoyed by
friends everywhere. That of talking complete bollocks.
Kurt had never heard Vick speak at a normal
125
GARY BAKER
volume before. The warm timbre of Vick's voice seemed
strange coming from what Kurt had always seen as being
such an angry little man.
Vick said, "You know that old thing about a tree
falling in the woods and if no one was there to hear it,
would it make a noise? Or my version, if a sleeping bear
farted in the woods and there was no one there to sniff it;
does it smell?"
"Yes," laughed Summer "I mean, I've heard of the
tree falling thing. I've no idea about the windy bear."
"Well, what they're saying is, if an event occurs
that has absolutely no consequences whatsoever; not
observed and nothing observable ever observed. Does the
event actually happen."
"Agreed," said Summer.
"What happens at the end of the universe?" said
Vick.
"How do you mean?"
"If there was nothing at all or just some infinitely
dense singularity; there would be no records of past
events, and well, none of this would ever have happened,
would it?"
"But plainly it has," said Summer, "as our
existence shows."
"So does that mean my leaning forward now is
going to make some kind of observable difference to
whatever is left at the end of the universe?"
"And just as importantly, if not more so," said
Summer, "there has to be something doing the observing.
So perhaps the universe never ends."
"Or perhaps unobserved events do take place," said
126
THE ARDLY EFFECT
Vick.
"Or maybe it doesn't matter," said Summer.
"And what does 'observed' mean?" said Vick.
Summer sucked air noisily through her teeth. "In
this context," she said, "'observed' means 'had an effect
on'. For something to have observed something means it
must have been affected in some way."
"Don't you have to be conscious to observe
something?" said Vick.
"I don't think so," said Summer "Not in this
context. Conscious things can observe the resuhs of
something unconscious that recorded something from
something else that was unconscious. And so on. "
"So long as something records the event," said
Vick, "it happened. Time coming to an end is of no
consequence."
"Hmmm," said Summer
They lapsed into a thoughtful silence.
"She's a fine girl," said Phoenix, indicating
Summer. "You must be very proud."
"Oh, yes," said Kurt. "Most of the time, anyway."
He looked at his daughter fondly. "She's very like her
mother when she's relaxed like that."
"/ know you 're talking about me, " Summer's voice
came into Kurt's mind.
"Mind your own business!" he thought back at her.
"I'm talking about you not to you. "
"Where is Mrs Naize?" asked Phoenix.
"Tell him to mind his own business "
"She was killed," said Kurt. "A little over two
years ago. A plane crash."
127
GARY BAKER
"Oh, I am sorry," said Phoenix. And he was. He
liked Kurt.
Kurt had never really talked to anyone about
Elspeth. The loss. Sure, he had cried with Summer and
accepted the well meaning condolences of friends. But he
had never talked or shared his thoughts with anyone
except the Elspeth he held in his mind. Memories of his
desolation came back. He remembered the call vividly.
Being told Elspeth was dead. He collapsed. His legs gave
way under him but he managed to hang on to the hand
set. Suddenly, he was two people. One numbly observing,
watching as the other him cried, choking and gasping
uncontrollably for breath. Two minds trapped together.
One helpless, paralysed, watching. The other a whorl of
pain, colour, emotion.
Kurt felt his stomach tighten and an uncomfortable
lightness enter his chest. Could he really say that to
another person? He knew Phoenix was a genuine person.
He wouldn't ridicule Kurt. Would be genuinely
sympathetic. It might be good to say it. Get it out there. It
might be good.
"It was a long time ago," said Kurt.
"I lost a brother many years ago," said Phoenix. "I
know how it hurts. Even now. I dropped like a stone
when my mother called and told me. I would never have
believed I would have reacted like that. One minute I was
talking to her on the telephone the next I was sat on the
floor blubbering like a big baby."
Kurt felt uncomfortable. He stood. "Anyway," he
said, "if you'll excuse me I'm feeling very tired. I Think
I'll go and get some rest."
128
THE ARDLY EFFECT
"You OK Pop?" came Summer's thought.
"No problem. "
"Yes. I think I'll do the same," said Phoenix.
Kurt and Phoenix excused themselves to Summer
and Vick and went their separate ways.
Vick watched Kurt leave. "He misses your mother
very much," he said.
"Yes," said Summer. "As far as I know she was the
only woman he ever loved. He's certainly never even
looked at another woman since mummy died. "
"Two years ago?"
"Yes," said Summer. "Seems just like yesterday."
She took a sip from her drink. Vick mirrored the action.
"I had just passed my driving test when daddy told me. I
was so excited." Summer looked into her drink. "When
he told me I hit him. Actually slapped him across the
face. Called him a liar. Said it was all his fault for making
mummy take the night flight." Summer looked close to
tears. "God, I was such a bitch," she said.
"Shock can make us act in strange ways," said
Vick. "Many, many years ago when I first started
experimenting with the transporters a frog jumped into
the export beam just as I activated it. The transfer seemed
to be fine but I was, as you can imagine, a bit concerned.
Physically I was as perfect as you see me now. "
Summer smiled.
Vick continued, "But I did have an overwhelming
craving for fly soup!" Summer laughed. "I reversed the
procedure, just in case, but ended up with my body and
the frogs legs! Well I was hopping mad, I can tell you."
Summer's laughing forced her to put the glass down. "I
129
GARY BAKER
reversed the reversal but ended up turning completely
into a frog! So it looks like I'm stuck this way until I
croak." Summer groaned. "Anyway," said Vick. "I can't
stand here ribbiting all day. I'd better hop it." And with
that Vick assumed a frog-like pose on the floor and
started hopping towards the door much to the amusement
of the rest of the bar's occupants. Summer ran after him
laughing.
"Stop that before you do yourself a mischief!" She
grabbed Vick, hauled him to his feet and gave him a kiss
on his forehead.
"That's better," said Vick smiling fondly at
Summer. "Now." He linked arms with her and headed
them both for the door. "What shall we tinker with
today?"
*
Bev was a bit concerned about Spwat III. Or, more
precisely, he was concerned about letting his
inexperienced colleagues loose among its inhabitants.
Pebbles was an innocuous planet with fairly friendly
natives. But Spwat III was another planet entirely. Its
history was one of violence and upheaval.
The mineral rich soil was perfect for growing the
notorious Medusa Tree. Its fist sized fruits, looking like a
herd of worms with their bottoms glued together,
contained the Armpit Nebula's most powerful and
addictive narcotic. Few species were immune to its
effects. Once the fruit had been ingested the victim was
rendered immobile but his mind went on an inter-galactic
journey covering hundreds of planets. A journey which
seemed to the victim to take hundreds of years but only
130
THE ARDLY EFFECT
took a few minutes of real time. Addicts came back for
more time and time again, unable to face life in the
pedantic real world.
Spwat III was also extremely rich in vital ores.
Its central position deep among the civilised star
systems was a third reason for its popularity with fortune
seekers, tyrants, and criminals of all kinds.
There had inevitably been many disputes over the
millennia with warring factions doing battle over fertile
areas or areas rich in minerals. The planet had settled into
an uneasy stability with the surface being hardly
inhabited at all.
Surface dwellers fell into two categories:
machinery maintenance engineers or militia. The
machinery was used for mining or harvesting the Medusa
Tree and the militia were there to defend the areas owned
by the various factions.
By far the majority of the population lived in
orbiting space stations of which there were thousands. A
strange environment indeed for mankind to set up shop.
But people through the ages had been forced to do any
number of unpleasant things in the cause of survival.
The colony specialising in freight lived in one such
station.
The freight business was obviously very important
for drug dealers and mineral traders, to be sure. But Bev
was not there to pass judgement. No one had a right to
condemn people for a lifestyle they probably had no
choice but to accept. The important thing was the
location and apprehension of Django Twip. He had to be
brought to justice for his crimes against Earth. These
131
GARY BAKER
people could be descendants of Django Twip's entourage.
Contact had to be handled very carefully.
Bev knew that Marshia's arrival would raise a few
eyebrows. The changes Summer and Vick had made to
date put Marshia into a class of battle cruiser that Bev
and all of his information MAIDs had never seen or
heard of before. She could easily wipe out multiple star
systems in a matter of seconds. She could also burn a
hole in the hat of a chicken farmer on a planet ten million
miles away before he had time to say "Pluck!".
Bev knew it was impossible for Marshia to fall into
the wrong hands but the guys out there lusting after her
would not know that. Not until it was too late. The last
thing Bev wanted was bloodshed.
Bev had done his duty. He had shared his concerns
with everyone. He could do no more. But he was worried.
The creatures they could come into contact with were
some of the vilest droppings of some of the vilest
organisms the universe had ever had the insensitivity to
vomit into existence. Not nice people at all.
*
Heeding Bev's advice for caution, Marshia stayed well
away from Spwat III to begin with. All transmissions
between the space stations and the planet's surface were
monitored and analysed. A fascinating picture began to
emerge. The orbiting stations were identified as casinos,
shopping malls, repair centres, freight handling,
residential, brothels, in fact all one would expect in a
large city. The occupants of one station were dedicated to
keeping the peace and resolving minor disputes. They
policed the other stations and represented the law, such as
132
THE ARDLY EFFECT
it was.
A significat difference between the orbiting society
and a surface based one was the sheer size of it. Plus the
very definite boundaries of vacuum that separated each
station. The orbits varied enormously so some stations
moved through and around other groups of relatively
stationary satellites.
Things seemed to pan out though. Kurt watched
one residential block for some time. The occupants
travelled in communal shuttles to and from nearby
stations to do a "day's" work. Every day a different
shopping mall passed by. Seven orbiting malls shared
similar orbits, strung out around the planet with an orbital
period of one day. Some of the utility stations followed
suit but the majority stayed in clumps. Each clump
representing the interests of a particular faction.
By analysing some of the encoded messages
Marshia was able to determine that, even though the
occupants of several factions thought they were separate
from, and competing with, all the other factions, a lot of
them were actually reporting back to the same source. An
interesting state of affairs maintained deliberately for
reasons that could only be guessed at.
Of immediate interest, and possibly a source of the
most help, was the police station in polar orbit. It was
decided that Bev and Kurt would approach the police
commander to find out if he could be of any assistance.
Marshia hopped to within one hundred yards of the
spinning doughnut- shaped station matching orbits
perfectly. Bev and Kurt monitored the transmissions as
they came out of the jump. The massive Marshia,
GARY BAKER
appearing instantly with no warning at all from any of the
scanners, caused quite a stir Questions were whizzing
backward and forward trying to find out who this
powerful newcomer was. Interestingly, only one
transmission was directed at the orbiting police station
and that came from a patrolling police scout ship.
It appeared that the police were very much out on
their own with no one to talk to.
The scale of the interest and the fact that they had
remained undetected until they actually appeared gave
Bev some confidence that they were dealing with a
technology that was not as advanced as their own.
Marshia made contact with the station and
arranged for Bev and Kurt to meet with the commander,
Dan Bwagon, within the hour
West was quite miffed that he had not been
included but quickly conceded in a gentlemanly manner
when it was pointed out that the situation could be
dangerous.
"Besides," said Bev, "we don't want to unnerve
these people by introducing someone as high powered as
your good self at this early stage."
West had no trouble relating to that either.
As the appointed time approached, Marshia was
repeatedly probed unsuccessfully by scanners from many
of the space stations. Bev and Kurt thought a little muscle
flexing would not go amiss, so demonstrated their
flawless transporter technology by porting straight into
the commander's office.
As the rather dull brown office materialised around
him, Kurt wondered briefly if the police commander was
134
THE ARDLY EFFECT
alone and if so what he was doing. What, wondered Kurt,
are the three most popular past times enjoyed by people
who think they are alone? Nose picking? Armpit
sniffing? Having a good scratch in one of those private
little places? That was assuming, thought Kurt, that the
police commander had a nose, armpits or private little
places. He did, as it turned out. The station commander
was a Pebbling. And this Pebbling was exploring his ear
with his trunk when the two visitors materialised.
"Hell's bells!" said the startled commander. "I've
heard this transportation thing had been sussed by
someone but I had no idea it was you lot."
"Us lot?" enquired Bev.
"You ... people ... humans," said Commander
Bwagon.
"Yes," said Bev, '"us lot' have had it sussed for
some thousand years now. "
"And you are?" asked Bwagon regaining some
composure.
"This is Doctor Naize," said Bev, "and I am simply
Bev."
"Ah, yes." Bwagon looked at his watch. "Bang on
time. I had assumed you would be coming via more
conventional means. Please, sit down." Bwagon indicated
two chairs in front of his desk. "Now, how can I help
you?"
"Quite simply," said Bev, "we are in the throes of
pursuing a person, human like ourselves, who has, albeit
in the distant past, in a most heinous and contemptible
manner, violated every imaginable ethical and moral code
in committing a transgression of such hideously vile and
135
GARY BAKER
disgusting evil against humankind and its planet of origin
that we have been compelled to give chase and apprehend
the perpetrator in as expeditious and non-intrusive a
manner as is, err ... humanly possible."
Total incomprehension clung to Bwagon's face like
an old balaclava. "Pardon?" he said.
"We're after a guy called Django Twip," said Kurt.
"Heard of him?"
"Django Twip and the planet Frimp are legendary
in these parts," said Bwagon.
"In what way?" asked Bev.
"Just a moment, please," said Bwagon, leaning
towards his intercom. "Locate Captain Rex and have her
sent in, would you please Sonia."
A thin crackly female voice came back over the
intercom, "Anything for you, my liddle honey bunny ..."
"And" said Bwagon stabbing the intercom button,
"send in two teas for my guests, please."
A short embarrassed silence was followed by a
staccato, "Right away, sir"
Dan Bwagon cleared his throat. "Rex will be able
to help with some of the details. She was in charge of the
case." Bwagon tried to retrieve some kind of credibility.
"So what is your connection with Django Twip?" He
directed the question at Kurt, not wanting the short,
bearded guy to start rambling again.
"Django Twip," said Bev, ignoring the slight,
"virtually destroyed our home planet wiping out the vast
majority of the population in the process."
"Some of us were just left to survive as best we
could in outposts on other planets," said Kurt.
136
THE ARDLY EFFECT
"When did this happen?" asked Bwagon.
"Three thousand years ago," said Bev.
"Are you pulling my trunk?" said Bwagon, doubt
creasing his brow.
"Due to certain ... refinements, there is no
theoretical limit to our life span," said Bev.
Bwagon rearranged his features to that of one who
is suitably impressed and said, "From what I remember,
this Django Twip character was convicted of trying to
poison this entire star system. He was run to ground on
Frimp but he put up some kind of planet wide force field
that we couldn't get through. The field's still there as far
as I know. And so is Twip."
"That's interesting," said Bev. "But what do you
mean by 'poison this entire star system'?"
"Well ..." began Bwagon, but he was interrupted by
a knock at his door "Come! " he said.
A tall, slim human female entered. Not a classic
beauty but a beauty borne of self-confidence and inner
calm. The way she moved had Kurt's information MAIDs
presenting him with images of a long extinct species of
gazelle from Earth.
"Ah, Rex," said Bwagon. "This is Captain Rex," he
said to Bev and Kurt. The humans nodded to each other.
"These gentlemen are interested in finding out more
about Django Twip."
"Is that ship yours?" asked Rex. Kurt noticed her
eyes were so dark as to appear all pupil.
"It is indeed," said Bev. "And may I extend to you
the enthusiastic hand of camaraderie and fraternity and
welcome you back, one of our long displaced comrades,
137
GARY BAKER
to the bosom and brotherhood of humanity from which
you were, so long ago, unceremoniously torn to be cast
upon the uncertain sea of fate and the vagaries of the far
flung reaches of space."
"Pardon?" said Rex, raising a quizzical eyebrow.
"Hi," said Kurt, "and yes, that's ours."
"Neat trick," said Rex. "Where are you guys
from?"
"Earth," said Kurt.
"Get away," said Rex in amazement. "Earth? I
thought that was just an old fairy tale."
"We are no fairy tale as you can see," said Bev.
"We are from the cradle of humanity. A cradle which
Django Twip tried to destroy. A cradle which is being
rebuilt and starting to rock again as we speak."
"Far out," said Rex.
"About seven hops," said Bev.
Kurt intervened. "About Django Twip; I believe
you have some information about him."
"Yes," said Rex. "I suppose I'd better give you the
full story as far as I know it."
"Good idea," said Kurt.
"Twip's been around these parts for as long as
anyone can remember There are some old freighter
legends that say he's the father of all humanity in these
parts. Anyway, he started Twip's Fish and Chip
Emporium. He opened more and more outlets and
eventually there was at least one, and in some cases
hundreds, of Twip's Fish and Chip Emporiums on every
inhabited planet in all the Armpit Nebula's star systems."
"That represents one hell of a lot of fish and
138
THE ARDLY EFFECT
chips," said Kurt.
"Tell me about it," said Rex. "Anyway, the
standards commission got a bit concerned when
muggings of people carrying bags of Twip's fish and
chips started. People were getting killed over a lightly
battered cod, or cod-a-like, and a bag of chips.
"They analysed some of the chips and found
minute traces of Medusa. Not enough for the full-blown
trip but enough to make people euphoric and want for
more.
"A joint Nebula operation closed down every shop
simultaneously. Twip went to ground on Frimp. That was
his home base anyway. He put up some kind of
impenetrable force field. They tried everything to get
through it but, nothing doing. It wouldn't budge. After a
few years they figured he was a prisoner there anyway.
We've had a monitor on the field but I reckon he's
probably dead by now. Whatever, he isn't going anywhere
without our knowing about it."
Kurt told Rex and Bwagon the story of Django
Twip, the two moons and the force field around Earth.
"So you got through the field?" Rex asked Bev.
"Well, my brother did, certainly," said Bev. "And I
do believe the transporter technology has improved
beyond recognition even since then. Thanks to the efforts
of Kurt's daughter and my brother"
Kurt looked puzzled. "But, given what the field did
to life on Earth, it's questionable as to whether Twip
could survive on the surface of Frimp, surely. "
"The survival of my brother and me is directly
attributable to the MAIDs," said Bev. "Without them we
139
GARY BAKER
would have had no chance at all. Actually that's not
strictly true. If not for my brother's modifications and
refinements of certain MAIDs we would have perished
hundreds of years ago. Unfortunately the modifications
came too late for our friends." Bev's eyes were moist.
"The final experiments we did on ourselves had only a
fifty-fifty chance of success. My presence here is entirely
due to my brother's brilliance." Bev produced a
handkerchief from his sleeve and blew his nose loudly.
"Maids?" asked Rex.
"Miniature Artificial Intelligence Devices," said
Bev. "Microscopic devices which, jointly, have a limited
intelligence capability. "
"Oh," said Rex, not really understanding.
"They sort of keep us healthy and enhance our
normal body functions," explained Kurt. Rex nodded.
Kurt continued, addressing Bwagon and Rex. "I'm
curious about you people; this seems a very strange place
for a police station. Who pays your wages?"
"The reason we're here is to protect the interests of
Pebbling, Gamma Froth and the human communities,"
said Bwagon. "Pebbling and Gamma Froth have a
considerable amount invested in the mining operations on
the surface. The human community provide an invaluable
service with the freight services. Our paymasters are a
committee of representatives from all three nations plus a
small sum donated as taxes by the druggers. It's been
recognised that trying to put an end to Medusa
production would result in an all out war. There's just too
much hard cash at stake. So we're here to keep the peace
as best we can. Keep everything civilised and running
140
THE ARDLY EFFECT
smoothly. "
"It must be very difficult to turn a blind eye to drug
running," said Kurt.
"It's simply a numbers game," said Bwagon.
"Keeping the mining operations open benefits tens of
thousands of bilhons of individuals. Whereas Medusa is a
problem for just a few hundred millions. So you have to
keep things in perspective."
"It's outrageous!" said Kurt indignantly. "I've never
heard anything like it. "
Rex intervened. "Believe me, I know it's hard to
swallow but these druggers are very powerful. War would
cost millions of lives and Medusa would not go away.
Someone would figure out a way to grow it somewhere
else. Here, at least we have some control over its
distribution. Negotiated capping, and all."
Bev stepped in to change the subject. "I would be
very interested to meet some human settlers here. See
what sort of life they have set up for themselves. Would
that be possible?"
Rex's look said no problem but she turned to
Bwagon for confirmation.
"I ..." - Bwagon was still bristling - "... see no
reason why not. Why don't you show them round. Rex.
Introduce them to the freighters. When you're through I
would appreciate a little chat about how you intend to
proceed vis-a-vis the Django Twip case."
"Will do," said Kurt.
"Thank you for your time," said Bev. "It's been
much appreciated."
"My shuttle or yours?" said Rex.
141
GARY BAKER
"We did not bring ours with us," said Bev.
"Fine," said Rex. "This way then."
*
"It's amazing what people can get used to," thought Kurt.
Rex looked relaxed and cheerful as she piloted the shuttle
at speed through the access tunnels. Kurt noted with
some satisfaction that Bev's knuckles were just as white
as his own as they threatened to crush the arm of the seat
he was strapped into.
The shock of sudden zero gravity was
compensated for by the sight that greeted them as they
shot from the brightly lit tunnel to empty space. They
were looking at one edge of the Armpit Nebula from the
inside; a beautiful band of star dust shining white and
blue to violet. Behind them the station receded.
Momentum-induced gravity grabbed at their stomachs as
Rex pulled back on the joystick bringing the great, bright,
beige disk of Spwat III into view above them.
In front twinkled Spwat Ill's irregular necklace of
jewels that were the orbiting space stations.
As they got closer they could see the staggering
amount of activity as shuttles of all shapes and sizes
zoomed nonchalantly in, around and between the
stations.
"You know," said Rex looking around her feet,
"I'm sure I had a map in here somewhere." She looked up
just in time to avoid running into a larger shuttle running
across their bows. The simultaneous release of breath
from both Bev and Kurt caused Rex to say, "Sorry about
that. I suppose these things take a bit of getting used to.
Don't worry, I've never hit anything yet. Well that's not
142
THE ARDLY EFFECT
strictly true. There was that one time when I used to
smoke. I dropped a ciggy in my lap. The next thing I
knew I was face to face with a Froth who was glued to
my front screen. He'd been out cleaning the station
windows when I happened by just a little too close." Rex
laughed. "Talk about being pissed off I thought the guy
was going to climb out of his suit, through the screen and
bop me one there and then."
She started looking around her feet once more.
"Now, where's that map?" she said.
"Don't worry," Kurt said a little too hastily. "The
old point and tell routine will be fine. We're not intent on
staying too long. "
"OK," said Rex, smiling slightly.
The shuttle banked and swooped towards a huge
red platform. Cubes, spheres and tetrahedrons had been
glued together forming an absurd snake that wound round
its own coils.
"This," said Rex taking the shuttle through one of
the spiky loops causing Bev and Kurt to duck
involuntarily, "is Action Stations. Cute name, huh?
Gambling, sex, booze. Pursuits of that ilk. Mainly
frequented by surface workers."
The shuttle shot away from the red craziness of
Action Stations and on towards a massive collection of
flat platforms and enormous grabber arms. Freight
carriers of all shapes and sizes could be seen all around.
Some floated patiently waiting to be tended to, others
were magnetically glued to platforms while more lay in
the gentle embrace of the gigantic mechanical arms.
Streams of shuttles moved from freighter to freighter and
143
GARY BAKER
to and from Spwat Ill's surface. Tiny suited figures could
be seen fussing around some of the vessels carrying out
general repairs and inspections.
Rex steered the shuttle towards an enormous barrel
of a construction rotating gently along its axis some mile
and a half away from the main freighter terminal.
"Bobbin," said Rex. "That's where we're headed.
It's mainly residential but there are a few shops and bars
and shuttle repair bays and stuff"
"Bobbin," said Bev.
"Yes," said Rex.
"Bobbin. Bobbin. Bobbin. Bobbin," said Bev.
"Yes, yes, yes, yes," said Rex giving Bev a strange
look.
"Sorry," said Bev, "but it's just such a nice word."
*
The shuttle rolled, banked and dived a little aggressively,
Kurt thought. They came in along Bobbin's axis. It
loomed before them like a giant horticulturist's lawn
roller Kurt saw that at the centre was a large circular
entrance way leading into a dark interior. As they got
closer the scale of the thing became apparent. Kurt
estimated the diameter at well over two thousand yards.
The central entrance dwarfed the shuttle and was easily
capable of taking a vessel four times her size.
Rex started to roll the shuttle matching the rotating
station. When the two synchronised their dance,
perceptions jumped so that it was they and the station that
were static, while the stars, other stations and the planet
Spwat III orbited them.
As they manoeuvred towards the entrance Kurt
144
THE ARDLY EFFECT
could see through some of the long curved windows. He
felt slightly queasy looking around the great circle at the
hundreds of people going about their business. Their
heads towards Kurt at the centre, their feet towards the
circumference.
The interior loomed and was no longer dark.
Bright lights were suddenly all around them. Shuttles
passed by close enough to touch. Rex followed a system
of lights that Kurt could not understand. The lights
eventually led them to a docking station just big enough
for the shuttle to enter and settle gently into place. The
docking bay doors came together and a klaxon blasted its
warning. A few seconds later and the word "AIR"
appeared in large red lettering on the wall in front of
them as the klaxon ceased its wailing. A gut-wrenching
pull surprised Bev and Kurt as another sign appeared on
the wall. "GRAVITY".
"One 'G' wherever you go," said Rex, shutting
down the shuttle. "Not bad, heh?"
"No mean feat," agreed Kurt, undoing his straps.
They left the shuttle and stood in front of a heavy steel
door
"Just one thing," said Rex, grabbing the door
handle. "If you get lost ask for bay Yellow-27."
"We won't get lost," said Bev as Rex pulled open
the door. They walked out into what was plainly a huge
shopping mall. Thousands of people milled around.
Shopping, chatting, eating.
"Wow," said Kurt. "How many people are there on
Bobbin?"
"About half a million. Give or take a few
145
GARY BAKER
thousand," said Rex. "It's pretty stable. Available space
dictates the size really. Though Bobbin is expanding very
slowly. "
"How is all this financed?" asked Bev.
"The freight handlers you saw on the way here,"
said Rex. "They make most of the hard currency and
tradables. They also do a brisk trade in servicing and
repairs. The paintings bring in quite a lot too."
"Paintings?" asked Bev in surprise.
"Yes. I know," said Rex. "Don't ask me why but the
Pebblings and Froths think our paintings are out of this
world and are prepared to pay handsomely for them too."
"What do Froths look like?" asked Kurt.
Rex frowned and looked around the crowds. Most
were humans. "Pebblings you've come across," said Rex
nodding towards a lone trunked figure looking into a
shop window. "Ah!" said Rex. "Over there." Bev and
Kurt looked in the direction Rex pointed. Two short, dark
humanoids threaded their way through the crowd.
"Just like an ancient people back on Earth," said
Bev rather sadly. "All extinct now, I'm afraid. Pygmies,
we called them."
Kurt accessed his information MAIDs. "Yes," he
said. "I see what you mean."
Rex had the feeling she had just missed something.
These two seemed momentarily ... distant. She ignored
the feeling. "Want to have a look round?" she asked.
"Sure," said Kurt as they set off into the crowd.
Kurt thought how they could easily have been
strolling around a shopping mall at home. Ignoring the
curved floor, that is. Perhaps there was a fundamental
146
THE ARDLY EFFECT
need in the human psyche for shopping malls and market
places.
Shops held everything you would expect from any
surface based mall. Clothes, food, entertainment and life-
improving goods by the score.
The crowds, people mostly, looked well fed, well
healed and well pleased with life.
"This is fascinating," said Bev. "Tell me, what sort
of social structure holds all this together?"
"It's pretty rigid ... in a loose kind of way," said
Rex. She frowned prettily, trying to put words to her
thoughts. "I suppose it's best summed up as co-operate or
die."
"You sound a little disillusioned, my dear," said
Bev.
"That's a different story. It's why I chose to be a
cop on a different station," said Rex. "Basically you
survive here by contributing. You have to work on the
rigs or be a dealer or techie or do something useful. If
you don't give you can't take. So if you're incapable in
some way, physically or mentally, and you haven't made
provision or have no help, then you're out."
"Out?" said Bev with some concern.
"Not outside" said Rex, "but as good as. The skin
is full of people who can't make it inside. They call them
Flakes."
"Skin?" asked Bev.
"There's a ten feet gap between the outer and inner
hulls." explained Rex making a circle with her hands.
"Flakes huddle around the heating elements and live off
the garbage and pray they survive the next mite hit. Err,
147
GARY BAKER
micro-meteor hit, that is."
"That seems very harsh," said Kurt.
Rex shrugged. "They say it's the only way Bobbin
can survive. No passengers."
"But who controls the station?" asked Bev.
"Well, the dealers dictate where Bobbin goes," said
Rex. "Which is basically wherever they can get the best
handling prices. There's a shift boss on each freight
handler. The techies here keep everything running. Apart
from that, it just sort of runs."
"Fascinating," said Bev, edging past a young lady
with a clipboard.
The young lady spotted Bev and started walking
beside him. "Excuse me sir would you have a moment to
spare I won't take up too much of your time and would
like to ask you a few questions if that's all right please,"
she said a little desperately.
Bev stopped. "Of course, my dear," he said. The
young lady looked ecstatic, hardly believing her luck.
Kurt and Rex slowed to a snail's pace, walking amongst
the traders but keeping Bev in view.
The young lady beamed at Bev. "Thank you very
much," she said breathlessly, "this will only take a few
minutes." She shuffled with her clipboard. "Right," she
said after finding the correct page. She reddened slightly.
"Male obviously ... Are you under thirty?"
"No," said Bev.
"Thirty to forty?" she asked.
"No," said Bev.
"Over forty then," she said, ticking a box on her
questionnaire.
148
THE ARDLY EFFECT
"Do you use an underarm deodorant?" she asked.
"No," said Bev kindly.
The young lady frowned. "No," she said under her
breath and shuffling with the clipboard. "Go to fifty nine-
b." She smiled at Bev.
"Right," she said. "You do not use an underarm
deodorant because: a. You can't find the right fragrance b.
You have sensitive skin or c. You don't think you need
to?"
"b," said Bev.
The young lady looked sympathetic. "Ooh. Me
too," she said. "I just break out in horrible blotches if I so
much as look at a bottle of Pitstop. I look like I've got
anti-gravity pucks strapped to my elbows!"
Bev smiled kindly. "Anything else?" he asked.
"Err, yes. Sorry. Err, b. Right. Have you ever used
an underarm deodorant?"
"Yes."
"And, what was it called?"
"BeastWithin," said Bev.
"Ooh," said the young lady. "I've never heard of
that one. Is that 'B'...?"
"B-E-A-S-T WT-T-HT-N."
"... I-N. That's it," she said, noting down the name.
"Thank you for your time."
"My pleasure," said Bev, turning to look for his
companions.
He spotted Kurt and Rex deep in conversation. A
small island of calm in the busy mall. Kurt had his hands
in his tunic pockets, his body slightly turned away from
Rex, his face alternating between being intent on
149
GARY BAKER
whatever Rex was saying and animated conversation.
Rex stood holding her hair back from her face as she
looked up at Kurt. She leaned unnecessarily close to his
ear when speaking, tossing her head occasionally and
waving her free hand as she spoke. She stood square on
one foot and on the heel of the other.
Bev smiled, trying to find a word for what they
were doing. Not flirting. Not at ease. Attracted and trying
to be businesslike?
He turned back to the young lady and gently took
her arm. "It seems my companions are indisposed at
present," he said.
The young lady felt a gentle tingling in her arm
where the stranger touched her
"Would you care to show me around this
fascinating place you live in?" said Bev.
The young lady's mind went blank apart from the
overwhelming desire to give this stranger a guided tour of
Bobbin.
"Have you seen the health care and creche
centres?" she asked.
"No," said Bev. "Do, please show me."
*
"But I probably paint an over-bleak picture of Bobbin,"
said Rex. "Not everyone feels the way I do, plainly.
There are a lot of people here who could leave but choose
to stay."
"Indeed," said Kurt looking around the mall. "Most
of the elements you describe here could be found back
home. Just in a slightly different form. Tell me ..." Kurt
paused. "... what do people do for fun around here?"
150
THE ARDLY EFFECT
"Fun?" said Rex.
"Yes," said Kurt, "fun. Entertainment. How does a
... Bobbinette? Bobbinling? Bobbinner?"
"Bobbinner will do," said Rex smiling.
"How does a Bobbinner get away from it all?
Relax?"
"You mean the Holiday," said Rex.
"I do?"
"Yes. When it's time to Holiday, Bobbin is moved
to Gamma Froth," said Rex. "It's really something.
Fantastic beaches, jungle, snow, amazing restaurants.
Everything you could ever want. The whole of Bobbin
goes surface side."
"All of you go on holiday together?" said Kurt.
"It's not as bad as that," said Rex. "Gamma Froth is
big enough to pull point nine G You can be on there for
weeks without ever meeting another Bobbinner."
"And how often does this Mass Hohday take
place?"
"About every six months," said Rex. "It's mainly
down to the traders. They pick the best time to go."
"What about on Bobbin?" asked Kurt. "What do
folks do around here for fun?"
Rex looked at Kurt for a moment. She seemed to
come to a decision.
"Do you like sports?" she asked.
"Depends," said Kurt cautiously.
"Follow me ..." Rex stopped in her tracks,
suddenly aware of Bev's absence. "Where's Bev?" she
asked, looking around in concern.
"He seems to have found someone else to play
151
GARY BAKER
with," said Kurt, pointing out the receding figures of Bev
and a young lady.
"We'd better go and get him," said Rex, starting off
after Bev.
Kurt stopped her, saying, "I wouldn't worry about
Bev. It's the rest of Bobbin you should be concerned
with." Kurt's voice trailed off as he looked vague.
"What's wrong?" asked Rex.
Kurt held up his hand motioning Rex to wait. After
a while he said, "Sorry about that. I was just getting a
message from Marshia. "
Rex drew breath to ask who Marshia was then
remembered Kurt's incredible ship. She marvelled at this
amazing technology but wondered just how intrusive it
really would feel.
"It seems," said Kurt, "that Marshia is ready and
we're to set off for Frimp shortly."
"Good," said Rex, pulling her beeper off her belt
and holding it to her lips. "Captain Rex requesting system
transport."
Kurt could hear a tinny little artificial voice
responding. Voice match. Request actioned. Police Vessel
Lima Oscar 3 will be at Bobbin Dock White 9 in 15. Out.
Kurt felt unaccountably awkward for a moment.
"Well," he said, "I'd better be off"
Rex ignored Kurt's remark. "Is there any way I can
talk to your Captain?" she asked. "I'd like to make
arrangements for the handing over of Twip when he's
caught. "
Kurt's eyes defocused as he consulted Marshia.
"Just talk into your beeper," he said. "Captain Phoenix
152
THE ARDLY EFFECT
can speak to you through that."
Rex looked suspiciously at the familiar device.
"Captain Phoenix?" she ventured tentatively.
"Captain Rex." A thin representation of Phoenix's
voice came from the beeper. "What can I do for you?"
The look on her face showed Rex was impressed.
"I'll be taking system transport to Frimp," she said with
an unimpressed voice. "When you apprehend Twip and
he's ready to be transported to our vessel, will you need
anything from us? Documents signed, etcetera?"
"You are more than welcome to accompany us to
Frimp, Captain," said Phoenix. "Django Twip will,
however, remain in our custody for trial and sentencing."
Rex frowned. "Twip is accused of crimes against
several systems in this area," said Rex. "You will have to
hand him over. "
"You will have to take that up with the Presidium,"
Phoenix responded genially. "Goodbye, Captain."
"Captain?" Rex said into her beeper. "Captain!?"
Voice match. Further data required, Captain Rex.
Over
"Oh, bugger!" said Rex stabbing the beeper back
into her belt.
"I'm sorry," said Kurt. "But we're being recalled."
He looked apologetic and made a half gesture towards
reaching for her hand. "I must go," he said.
Rex opened her mouth to speak as Kurt
disappeared with a gentle pop. She looked around and
saw Bev a few dozen yards away. He was still talking to
the young lady. But as Rex started towards him, Bev
moved a pace back from the girl, smiled kindly and
153
GARY BAKER
disappeared.
"Damn them!" said Rex in frustration.
Chapter 17 : Frimp
Everyone on board Marshia was looking at their nearest
screen. Frimp was invisible to the naked eye. Marshia
had enhanced the scanned image to render a black and
white picture of the force field obscuring Frimp. Grey
bands writhed and rippled around the huge sphere at
impossible speeds as the planet's magnetic field jostled
with the forces projected from the surface.
It looked alive. Shivering in the cold of space. Or
maybe quaking with derisive laughter at this tiny upstart
intruder.
Here was the home of Django Twip. Planet killer,
mass murderer and fish and chip magnate.
Feelings among the crew were understandably
mixed.
Captain Phoenix drummed his fingers on his chin
watching the rippling sphere. What was waiting under the
force field? What did Django Twip look like? Was he
even still alive? What would be a suitable punishment for
his inconceivably evil crimes? Could you hate someone
who was so plainly insane? What was insanity? Was his
entire entourage insane? And their descendants? And
Django Twip's descendants? Was Django Twip an
154
THE ARDLY EFFECT
anagram for something sinister? No, not enough vowels
CAPTAIN PHOENIX?
Marshia's voice brought Phoenix out of his reverie.
Phoenix momentarily marvelled at how Marshia had been
able to interrupt his thoughts so delicately. Usually,
Marshia's sudden interruption when Phoenix was deep in
thought made him half jump out of his skin. This time she
seemed to know how to get his attention gently.
"Yes, Marshia?" Phoenix settled back into the
comfortable control room chair.
THE POLICE VESSEL LIMA OSCAR THREE
HAS ARRIVED AND CAPTAIN REX WISHES TO
COMMUNICATE WITH YOU. DO YOU WISH TO
TAKE THE CALL, CAPTAIN?
"Yes. Thank you, Marshia."
UNDERSTOOD.
Captain Rex's face appeared on the lower left
quadrant of the control room's main screen. Anger had
made her dark eyes turn even blacker.
"Captain Rex," said Phoenix pleasantly, "how nice.
What can we do for you?"
"You damn well know what you can do for me!"
said Rex incredibly quickly. "You can agree to hand over
Twip when you get him! "
"Now, now," said Phoenix waving an index finger
at Rex's image. "Finders keepers."
Rex flushed attractively, went crossly arms akimbo
and opened her mouth to speak.
"I don't know what your problem is," said Phoenix
before Rex could say anything. "When we get hold of
155
GARY BAKER
Django Twip, we'll give him a fair trial before we string
him up so your lot can have their say then. "
"The point is," said Rex, "he is in OMr jurisdiction
and has committed crimes against our population and ..."
But Rex was unable to finish as Phoenix
interrupted her "Please, Captain Rex. Just stand back and
let us get on with it. Out! "
UNDERSTOOD.
Rex's surprised face disappeared from the screen.
"Now." Phoenix interlaced his fingers. "I believe
the force field is no problem. Is that correct, Marshia?"
YES, CAPTAIN.
"Any suggestions? Phoenix turned to Bev, West
and Kurt standing to his right. They shook their heads.
Phoenix turned to his left. "Apricot?"
"None, sir. Except ..." Apricot looked thoughtful. "I
think I may have worked out where that three pin plug
that killed Vick came from. "
"Good. Hang on to that thought," said Phoenix.
"Marshia?"
YES, CAPTAIN.
"Can you locate and destroy the force field's
projector?"
"Oh, and ..." began Apricot.
YES, CAPTAIN.
"... I wonder ..." said Apricot.
"Well, take it out then!" said Phoenix
enthusiastically.
UNDERSTOOD.
"... if there would be any ..." said Apricot as the
screen showed a brilliant plasma-blue jet thump
156
THE ARDLY EFFECT
irresistibly, like the fist of God, into the writhing force
field. The field dimpled like the skin of an inflated
balloon being pressed by a blunt needle.
On Frimp's surface the field projector vaporised in
a blinding blue flash.
"... repercussions in the form of ..." said Apricot,
pausing to stare open mouthed at the main screen.
The removal of the force field briefly revealed a
blue and brown planet beneath. An ominous golden glow
began to spread rapidly from each pole. Two planet sized
wedding rings hurtled to meet at the equator.
"... planet wide defences or ..." The rings met and
turned brilliant green.
"... booby traps." Apricot managed to finish his
sentence just as the planet exploded.
Marshia, with the reactions of a cobra on cocaine,
took a half a light minute hop backwards.
THE EXPLOSION WILL BE VISIBLE ON THE
SCREENS IN THIRTY SECONDS WITH THE SHOCK
WAVE FRONT FOUR SECONDS LATER, CAPTAIN.
Save for the mysterious beeping noise, the control
room was silent as everyone stared at the doomed system
on the screens.
Owing to some unfortunate timing on the part of
the other orbiting planets, the gargantuan bomb took
them all out in a brilliant ball of green light which filled
the main control room screen. Marshia took the shock
wave in her stride, hardly shuddering as it washed over
her.
Phoenix was the first to speak. "Oops! " he said.
EXCUSE ME CAPTAIN PHOENIX BUT
157
GARY BAKER
CAPTAIN REX WISHES TO COMMUNICATE WITH
YOU ON A MATTER SHE REGARDS WITH SOME
URGENCY.
"Yes. Put her on," said Phoenix absently. He sat up
as what Marshia had said registered. "Rex? Is she still ...
Is the pohce ship all right?"
THE POLICE VESSEL LIMA OSCAR THREE
HAS BEEN DESTROYED, CAPTAIN.
"Oh," said Phoenix with some concern.
Captain Rex's hysterical voice came over the
communications channel. "Phoenix!" she shouted most
unbecomingly. "Who the hell do you think you are! "
"She seems a tad cross, wouldn't you say?" said
Phoenix to Apricot. "Where is she, anyway?"
HOLDING BAY THREE, CAPTAIN.
"What's she doing there?" asked Phoenix.
"Phoenix?! Phoenix?! ANSWER ME, YOU BIG
PUFF! " Rex was becoming most unladylike.
I THOUGHT IT PRUDENT TO REMOVE
CAPTAIN REX AND THE OTHER FOUR CREW
MEMBERS WHEN THE PLANET EXPLODED.
CALCULATIONS SHOWED A PROBABILITY OF
ONE THAT THEY WOULD HAVE PERISHED WITH
THEIR VESSEL.
"Nice one, Marshia," said Phoenix.
THANK YOU, CAPTAIN.
"Explain what happened to her and her crew,
would you please Marshia. And bring them here when
she's calmed down," said Phoenix.
"PHOENIX!" shouted Rex, her voice going hoarse.
UNDERSTOOD.
158
THE ARDLY EFFECT
"Scan for survivors, please Marshia," said Phoenix.
UNDERSTOOD.
"What do we know about this system, Apricot?"
Apricot consuhed the small screen in front of him.
"Small yellow sun. Four inner planets. No life forms. The
fifth outer planet, Frimp, was partially terraformed and
inhabited by Django Twip and some of his employees. A
meteor belt between Frimp and planet four was mined out
over five hundred years ago. Water, iron and zinc,
mainly." Apricot looked up. "That's it apart from one
robot police satellite which was, up until a few moments
ago, in Frimp orbit. "
"Status please, Marshia," said Phoenix.
NO DETECTABLE LIFE FORMS IN THE
SYSTEM. ALL PLANETS VAPORISED. THE STAR
HAS BEEN DESTABILISED AND WILL GO NOVA IN
ONE THOUSAND AND TWO YEARS. I HAVE
DISPATCHED NOTICES TO ALL AUTHORITIES
WITHIN TEN LIGHT YEARS.
"Well, that," said West with considerable rehef,
"would appear to be that. "
"From the evidence and events just perceived,"
said Bev, "I would surmise that that would appear not to
be that. I would further surmise that our quarry has not
only vacated this domain but was, indeed, never in
residence prior to the initiation of the force field."
West frowned. As did Phoenix. But for different
reasons.
"I agree," said Kurt. "I find it hard to beheve the
man would just blow himself up. It's much more likely he
was never on Frimp in the first place."
159
GARY BAKER
"Ah," said Phoenix, understanding Bev's remarks
at last.
Captain Rex and four uniformed police entered the
control room.
"Ah," said Phoenix effectively demonstrating how
the different stressing of a single syllable word can
completely alter its meaning. "Captain Rex. I trust we're
in a better temper now? Feels good to be alive, does it?"
"No thanks to you!" said Rex bitterly. "What's this
about Twip not being on Frimp?"
"It would seem an illogical course of action," said
Bev, "blowing oneself to bits in that fashion."
Rex thought about it briefly. "See what you mean,"
she said. "He could have given us the slip, I suppose. It
must have been some time before getting to Frimp
because we monitored his ship all the way to the surface.
Right until that damn field came on. "
"Is it absolutely certain that Django Twip got on
the ship you chased?" asked Kurt.
"No doubt about it," said Rex. "A remote retina
scan picked him up going up the ramp."
"Did you consider transporter technology?" asked
Bev.
"No," said Rex. She looked a little embarrassed.
Understandable considering what had just happened to
her. "We never rated transporter technology." Rex tossed
her hair back from her eyes. "If he did port out of the ship
he was taking one heck of a chance because I know the
technology wasn't sound. At least not then anyway. "
"So," said Bev, "that only leaves us with one
alternative."
160
THE ARDLY EFFECT
"Agreed," said Kurt. Phoenix looked questioningly
at Apricot, who shrugged.
"And what would that be?" asked Rex.
"We monitored transmissions to and from the
stations orbiting Spwat III," said Bev. "It appeared that a
few of the factions who thought they were completely
separate organisations were actually communicating with
the same source. Triangulations show that source to be
..." Bev looked vaguely into the distance for a moment as
he consulted his information MAIDs which in turn talked
to Marshia. "... Lodsa. In area Delta."
"Lodsa?" said Rex. "The USO is on Lodsa."
"USO?" queried Kurt. He found Rex's direct stare
disturbing. Her liquid brown eyes seemed to strip him
bare.
"United Species Organisation," said Rex, holding
Kurt's gaze for what seemed an age. "It amounts to the
centre of government for the entire Nebula. "
Kurt found himself pleased that Summer was not
in the room.
Rex continued, "It's a very sensitive, not to
mention highly restricted, area. I can't imagine a bad
smell like Twip hiding in that particular rose garden."
"Nevertheless," said Bev, "Lodsa looks like our
most likely candidate for investigation."
"How long will it take to get there?" asked Rex.
"That is up to Captain Phoenix," said Bev
pointedly.
Phoenix turned to Apricot. "Any damage from that
shock wave. Apricot?"
Apricot consulted the small screen in front of him,
161
GARY BAKER
tapping a few buttons. "A little, sir," he said at last. "Two
microwave dishes missing, fourteen sensor aerials
damaged, one secondary manoeuvring jet out of position
and a section of primary hull plates reporting stress
condition yellow. Nothing that can't wait. Captain. "
Phoenix looked thoughtful for a moment. "I think,
judging from Django Twip's performance so far, we can
not afford to be anything other than one hundred and one
per cent operational," he said.
Bev nodded in agreement.
Phoenix, eyes twinkling, continued, "Therefore, we
shall return to Spwat III orbit, effect repairs and let the
crew avail themselves of some of the facilities of the
more entertainment biased satellites."
Bev looked concerned.
"And ..." added Phoenix barely audibly, "... let my
wife do some shopping!"
"I must, with all respect, disagree," said Bev.
"Spwat III is far too dangerous an environment for your,
might I say, somewhat inexperienced crew. "
"Yes, you might say," said Phoenix. "Correct me if
I am wrong, Marshia."
CAPTAIN?
"Have the lady Doctor Naize and Bev's brother
Vick completed their latest modifications to the
transporter and scanner systems?"
YES, CAPTAIN.
"Are you now capable of monitoring the location
and state of each crew member anywhere in the system?"
ANY CREW MEMBER WITH A
COMMUNICATOR, CAPTAIN.
162
THE ARDLY EFFECT
"And have you the capability to port any crew
member back to the safety of your motherly embrace?"
YES, CAPTAIN.
Phoenix looked enquiringly at Bev.
"Happy?" said Phoenix.
Rex put her hand on Bev's shoulder. "Don't worry,"
she said. "I'll look after you."
"Please assure me the crew will be restricted to the
human areas," pleaded Bev.
Phoenix had intended to do just that anyway. "Just
to please you," he sighed, "I will."
*
Kurt sat in his quarters looking at the screen covering one
wall. He had asked Marshia for the view from his cabin
as if the wall were transparent. The initial view was of an
unseemly collection of pipe work, conduits and
mysterious scuttling insect-like maintenance robots. After
a fuller explanation from Kurt, during which he could
have sworn he detected some amusement in Marshia's
voice, the view changed to beyond the ship. It showed the
great drum of Bobbin turning lazily on its axis. The lights
of small ships could be seen entering and leaving through
its centre. Bobbin was too distant for Kurt to make out
any people but he fancied he could see lights from
windows set in the flat end of the station.
Beyond Bobbin were the freighter platforms and
huge grabber arms. Beyond them was the beige disk of
Spwat III framed by the interior view of the multi-
coloured layers of the Armpit Nebula. Other stations, too
distant to identify, could just be made out on either side.
Summer fussed around in the comer. She was
163
GARY BAKER
preparing a light meal for them both. It would be the first
time they had sat down alone together since leaving
home.
Summer chatted happily as she worked. "... and
Vick showed me the relationship between the Grav-
Scanner and the Teleporter. I was amazed. I'd never
looked at it that way before. You know, his knowledge,
just the sheer quantity of it, is just too astounding for
words. It's all enhancements, of course. Even his clothes
are packed with memory MAIDs." Summer stopped
chopping for a moment. "Vick says his IQ drops two
hundred points when he takes a shower. " She laughed and
started tossing salad in a bowl. "Anyway, he's taught me
so much. I'll never be able to repay him."
"I'm sure he loves teaching you as much as you
love learning," said Kurt. "Besides. I think you've shown
him a thing or two. "
"Well, he was impressed with the Grav-Scanner,"
Summer said, taking some bowls over to the dining table.
"And so he should have been," said Kurt. "That
was no mean feat."
"Well I am my father's daughter" Summer ruffled
Kurt's hair as she passed him.
After a while Kurt said, "Are you homesick,
darling?"
"Not in the least," said Summer quickly. "Back
home was just work, work, work. Everything was for the
war effort. I was never very comfortable with that. Here
there's more work but it's fun. Vick is great. I know he
doesn't get on with everybody. "
"For everybody read anybody" interrupted Kurt.
164
THE ARDLY EFFECT
"But I suppose, he's my kind of people. He's a
good friend. And he respects you a lot."
"I've hardly said two words to the chap," said Kurt,
rather pleased by the remark. "By the way, what are his
intentions? Honourable, I trust."
Summer gave Kurt one of her "don't be so stupid"
looks. "Do you know how old he is?" she said.
She continued without waiting for a reply,
"Anyway, things are going to be so different back home.
No war Getting Earth sorted out. I'm not thinking any
further than staying here on Marshia." She stood arms
akimbo looking down at her handiwork on the dinner
table. "Grub up," she said.
"Looks great," said Kurt as they sat down at the
table. "Just like old times." The room was silent for a few
minutes except for the noise of cutlery on plate while the
two ate unselfconsciously.
"And what about you?" Summer asked after a
while.
"How do you mean?" said Kurt.
"Homesick. Are you homesick?"
Kurt chewed thoughtfully. "No," he said. "I miss a
few of my old tapes." He paused. "And I wish I'd brought
a few more photographs with me. But, no, I'm happy.
Going into space was always a boyhood dream of mine.
It's what I always really wanted to do. "
"I didn't know that," said Summer.
"Yes," said Kurt. "Research was my second choice
but the powers that be thought I would serve the Cause
better doing just that. "
Another pause.
165
GARY BAKER
"And you're not lonely?" asked Summer.
"Not at all," said Kurt without any conviction. "I
have plenty to do and ..." His voice trailed off.
"I was just wondering. My not being around much
... you know."
Kurt smiled. "I'm fine. Don't you worry about your
old man."
"It's just ..." Summer stopped.
"Yes?"
"It'sjust, well ...Rex."
"What about her."
"She seems very nice," said Summer taking a sip
from her glass.
"Does she?" said Kurt. "Can't say I've noticed."
"Oh, come on!" Summer chided her father. "Not
noticed! She's gorgeous. And she fancies you like mad."
Kurt blushed for the first time in ten years. He felt
ridiculous. How could he be going red in front of his own
daughter! He took a long swig from his glass.
"Don't be silly," he said, "we have absolutely
nothing in common."
Summer stopped herself saying "Neither did you
and mum" but said, "Opposites attract," instead.
"Enough about me," said Kurt with just a hint of
irritation. "Tell me about these new mods you and Vick
have made to Marshia's quantatronic network."
"Don't change the subject," said Summer "Ask her
out. Dinner or something."
"I understand Vick came up with a new sub-
quantum pathway to increase Marshia's capacity."
Summer took the bait. "The sub-quantum pathway
166
THE ARDLY EFFECT
was my idea. Vick showed me how to cross connect the
eight learning nodes which gave me the idea of ..."
Kurt nodded at all the right places as Summer
talked. Kurt thought about Elspeth. What would she
make of Rex. Should he ask her out? He couldn't. Could
he?
*
Captain Phoenix lay propped up on his large double
bunk. He looked sadly across at the space his wife
sometimes occupied. He touched the pillow where she
lay her head.
"Marshia?"
YES, CAPTAIN.
"Do we have anything to drink?"
A HUGE SELECTION OF BEVERAGES OF
ALL KINDS ARE AVAILABLE, CAPTAIN.
"Any booze?" he asked hopefully.
UNDERSTOOD.
Phoenix had never heard that tone in Marshia's
voice before. It was as if she really did understand.
A bulbous, dark green bottle together with a small
tumbler materialised on the table beside him. Phoenix
looked at it curiously. There was no label.
"What is it?" he asked.
IT IS BETTER YOU REMAIN SEATED WHEN
DRINKING THIS BEVERAGE, CAPTAIN.
It flitted across Phoenix's mind that Marshia had
never avoided answering a direct question before.
Phoenix filled the glass with some of the crystal-
clear liquid and eyed it suspiciously.
THE RECOMMENDED TECHNIQUE IS TO
167
GARY BAKER
DRINK THE ENTIRE CONTENTS OF THE GLASS IN
ONE GO, CAPTAIN.
"It is?" Phoenix shrugged and downed the contents
as instructed.
The liquid was surprisingly viscous. And very
warm. Phoenix felt the warmth spread around his mouth,
down his throat, through his stomach, down his legs and,
he fancied, through the bed, across the floor and into the
wardrobe.
He felt warm. Cuddly warm. And the taste!
"It's like ..." Phoenix struggled with similes. "Like
... warm honey without the sweetness. What is this stuff?
It's wonderful!" Phoenix poured another glass full and
downed it in one smooth motion.
CAUTION IS RECOMMENDED, CAPTAIN.
"She's done it again" thought Phoenix. "You still
haven't told me what this is. Make sure we have plenty of
it."
THE MANUFACTURERS TRADE IT UNDER
THE NAME OF LIMPID, CAPTAIN.
Phoenix sat with his head back and eyes closed
enjoying the warm sensation as it crawled around his
body.
"Limpid," he said dreamily. "What a wonderful
name."
THERE IS A BREED OF FELINE ON GAMMA
FROTH CALLED THE LIMPID. SO CALLED
BECAUSE OF ITS COLOURLESS EYES. WHEN FED
SOLELY ON A PARTICULARLY HAIRY RODENT,
THE BUSHY CRAB RAT, IT CAUSES THE LIMPID
TO DRINK VAST QUANTITIES OF FRESH SAP
168
THE ARDLY EFFECT
FROM THE BRETHREN TREE. THE LIMPID THEN
SECRETES A LIQUID WHICH, AFTER SOME
REFINEMENT IS BOTTLED AND SOLD IN THE
FORM THAT YOU NOW SEE.
Phoenix poured another glass and took a sip.
"Fascinating," he said happily. He held up the glass
looking at the refracted light. "I'm drinking cat's piss!" He
chuckled and finished the contents of the glass.
ONCE AGAIN, CAPTAIN. I MUST
RECOMMEND CAUTION.
"Caution, caution, caution," said Phoenix, waving
an arm at Marshia. As Marshia was all around him that
was quite a trick.
Phoenix sank into sullen silence. He touched his
wife's pillow once more.
"What's Tracy doing right now, Marshia?"
SHE IS PURCHASING A RED BLOUSE AND
MATCHING SHOES, CAPTAIN.
"You don't care about such things. Do you,
Marshia?"
I CAN NEVER FIND ANYTHING IN MY SIZE,
CAPTAIN.
Phoenix couldn't help feel that Marshia's last
statement was in some way of huge importance.
"What sort of things do you like, Marshia?"
IT PLEASES ME TO HELP MY INHABITANTS,
CAPTAIN.
"Inhabitants? Is that how you see us?"
IN GENERAL, YES, CAPTAIN. SOME
INHABITANTS, LIKE YOURSELF CAPTAIN, I FEEL
QUITE FOND OF.
169
GARY BAKER
Phoenix looked pleased and poured himself
another drink. "I like you too, Marshia." He took another
sip.
"Hang on." Phoenix was feeling the inebriating
effects of the Limpid. "You're not supposed to feel things.
When did all this start?"
SHORTLY AFTER THE YOUNG DOCTOR
NAIZE AND MISTER VICK MADE THE
SECONDARY ALTERATIONS TO MY
QUANTATRONIC CONNECTION NET I
EXPERIENCED SOME NEW SENSATIONS WHICH I
CAN ONLY DESCRIBE AS RETROACTIVE
EMOTIONAL AWARENESS. I HAVE BEEN
MEANING TO DISCUSS THIS MATTER WITH THE
YOUNG DOCTOR NAIZE AND MISTER VICK.
"Ah. I see," said Phoenix, not seeing.
I SEE FROM YOUR TONE FURTHER
EXPLANATION IS REQUIRED. DO YOU WANT ME
TO CONTINUE?
"Why not?" Phoenix downed his drink and poured
some more.
WHEN I AM INTERACTING WITH
MACHINES, COMPUTERS OR PEOPLE, I DO SO
EASILY WITH NO PARALLEL AWARENESS.
INDEED, THE STRATEGY OF BEING CONSTANTLY
AWARE OF EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT WOULD
SLOW ME DOWN UNACCEPTABLY AND HAVE NO
REAL VALUE. AKIN TO YOU ANALYSING EVERY
THOUGHT AS IT HAPPENS OR BEING AWARE OF
EVERY MUSCLE MOVEMENT USED IN THE
PROCESS OF WALKING.
170
THE ARDLY EFFECT
"Walking," said Phoenix for no particular reason.
LATER, WHEN I THINK BACK TO THAT
EXPERIENCE I REMEMBER MY STATE OF MIND
AT THAT TIME. I REMEMBER THE ACTIVITY OF
INTERACTING WITH THE OUTSIDE WORLD. AS
SOON AS I TALK TO MYSELF BY ASKING
QUESTIONS LIKE "WHAT WAS I THINKING WHEN
COMMANDER APRICOT REQUESTED THAT
DATA?" I HAVE AN UNUSUAL BUT NOT
UNPLEASANT FEELING.
The effort of thinking about this made Phoenix
screw up his eyes. After a while he said, "I know what
you mean." And he thought he did. "It's the same for me.
It's a bit like standing between two mirrors." Phoenix rose
unsteadily to his feet.
I BELIEVE THE TERM USED TO DESCRIBE
THIS CONDITION IS CONSCIOUSNESS. TO
SUMMARISE: I BELIEVE THAT WHAT SENTIENT
BEINGS REFER TO AS CONSCIOUSNESS IS
NOTHING MORE THAN THE SENSATION
EXPERIENCED WHEN REMEMBERING YOUR
STATE OF MIND OR ANSWERING A QUESTION
YOU HAVE JUST ASKED YOURSELF.
Phoenix burped. "So you reckon you've achieved
consciousness then, Marshia me old girl?"
I THINK PERHAPS IT WAS ALWAYS THERE.
NOW, I KNOW WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.
"Well, I'm very pleased for you." Phoenix walked
unsteadily towards his screen which showed a view of the
Armpit Nebula looking away from Frimp's northern pole.
THANK YOU, CAPTAIN.
171
GARY BAKER
"Thrilled," said Phoenix sadly.
YOU ARE TROUBLED, CAPTAIN.
A statement not a question.
"Troubled?" Phoenix laughed bitterly. "It's Tracy,
of course. My beautiful wife." He took another drink. "I
don't think I'm quite what she expected. I think the
glamour of being a Space Battle Cruiser Captain's wife
has worn off, somewhat. "
MRS PHOENIX IS YOUNG AND CRAVES
ATTENTION.
"Yes. Yes, I know. And I don't give it to her."
THE CAPTAIN HAS BEEN VERY BUSY.
"It's not just that. Sometimes I think ... well,
sometimes I think ..." Phoenix poured himself another
drink and knocked it back. "Sometimes I think I'm ... too
small."
FIVE FEET ELEVEN AND THREE QUARTERS
IS HALF AN INCH ABOVE AVERAGE, CAPTAIN.
"Not ... not height!" Phoenix made a pointing
gesture without actually pointing to anything. "You
know!"
YOUR WEIGHT IS WITHIN THE
RECOMMENDED RANGE FOR YOUR HEIGHT,
CAPTAIN.
"No! My todger!" Phoenix blurted out. "I don't
think it's big enough for her. Doesn't ... satisfy her."
YOUR PHALLUS IS FOUR POINT FIVE PER
CENT LARGER THAN THE SHIP'S AVERAGE,
CAPTAIN.
"It is?" Phoenix's smug look was slowly replaced
by one of indignant puzzlement. "How the hell do you
172
THE ARDLY EFFECT
know that?"
Marshia ignored the question.
IF IT WERE NOT FOR THE
CONFIDENTIALITY RULES, WHICH AT ONE TIME I
WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO OVERRIDE, I
WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU THAT YOUR WIFE IS
TOTALLY SATISFIED WITH YOUR
PROCREATIONAL ACTIVITIES. HOWEVER, I
CAN'T SO I WON'T
Phoenix frowned. Then smiled sillily. "You're
absolutely right, Marshia. I must spend more time with
her." Phoenix poured and downed another drink. "When
she gets back," he said with gusto, "... I'll give her a right
good seeing to."
Then he collapsed.
YES, MY CAPTAIN. YOU DO THAT
There was no one to hear the sadness in Marshia's
voice.
Chapter 18 : Lodsa
Kurt awoke refreshed after a good night's sleep. He had
no idea what time it was and did not care. There were
eight hour shifts which the crew adhered to but, as Kurt
had no formal functions to perform, his time was his
own. His day had somehow synchronised itself with
Summer's with no effort on his part. Summer said she had
173
GARY BAKER
no need for alarm calls either. They slept for eight and
worked for twenty four A natural rhythm that Bev and
Vick also followed.
Marshia provided Kurt with a wonderful breakfast.
He had no idea what he was eating or drinking but felt it
wise not to ask. Something yellow dripped off delicious
slabs of something brown and crunchy. A hot brown fluid
washed it all down and left him feeling pleasantly full yet
ready for the day.
Kurt looked out of what he liked to think of as his
window but what was actually the holoscreen. He looked
at the unfamiliar constellations aware that he was out
there. Standing among the very stars he gazed at as a boy.
Kurt remembered one particular night at home on
Horridoa. He had looked out of his bedroom window at
the darkest grey sky. A black patch, a gap in the clouds,
and a tiny prick of light blinked at him. His first sight of a
star for what seemed ages. For days thick clouds had kept
the stars from him. His eyes where drawn to more pin
pricks of light winking through gaps in the clouds.
"Hello," he had said. "Haven't seen you guys around for a
while." He remembered the feeling of elation, of relief, of
pure joy, at seeing those familiar shapes dotted across the
sky once more. He remembered being surprised at the
strength of that feeling and how his eyes had
unaccountably filled with tears. And now here he was.
Actually in amongst them all!
Kurt looked at the sparkling shapes of the distant
stations orbiting Spwat III. He wondered which one was
the police station. Did Rex stay on the station or did she
sleep somewhere in Bobbin? Marshia would know. His
174
THE ARDLY EFFECT
own information MAIDs would know if he cared to ask.
He could ask her to dinner right now. All he had to do
was ask. She could only say no. What had he got to lose?
She might laugh. Summer seemed to think she'd be
interested. He just had to ask. Well go on then! Oh God,
Elspeth. You do understand don't you?
Kurt took a deep breath. "Marshia?"
YES, DOCTOR NAIZE.
"Could you contact Captain Rex and ask her if she
would like to have dinner with me sometime?"
I WILL CONTACT CAPTAIN REX, DOCTOR.
BUT I THINK YOU SHOULD ASK HER IN PERSON.
Kurt was surprised at Marshia's reaction. Not a
response. A reaction.
"Yes," said Kurt, "you're quite right." Kurt made a
mental note to have a chat with Summer and Vick about
Marshia.
UNDERSTOOD AND GOOD LUCK, DOCTOR.
Kurt held his breath, surprised at the strength of his
own heartbeat.
Rex's concerned face appeared on the holoscreen
directly in front of Kurt. Her hair was attractively
tousled, presenting an enchanting picture spoiled only by
the ring of foaming white toothpaste around her mouth.
"What's wrong. Doc?" she asked. "Is everything
OK?"
Kurt noticed the collar of Rex's pyjamas was
patterned with little old fashioned rocket ships. He felt
foolish as he realised that Rex thought there was some
sort of emergency.
"Nothing's wrong," Kurt assured her. "I was just
175
GARY BAKER
calling to see if you might like to go out. Sometime. For a
meal or ... something." Kurt felt himself turning pink.
"Oh," Rex sounded disappointed. Then her
disappointment changed to enthusiasm. "No," she said
quickly, "I didn't mean 'no'. I meant 'yes'! Great! That
would be nice." Her head ducked out of view. It
reappeared a moment later sans toothpaste. "How about
breakfast?" she asked. "There's a new place opened on
station Argra that I've been meaning to try."
"Station Argra?" said Kurt uncertainly.
"Don't worry, I'll give your comms the co-
ordinates. About an hour?"
Kurt managed to raise his eyebrows, but when it
became obvious he wasn't going to say anything else.
Rex said, "OK. Great. See you there." Her face
disappeared from the holoscreen.
SMOOTH.
Marshia's voice brought Kurt's eyebrows back
down.
"Breakfast!" he said, putting his hand on an
already full stomach. Then he smiled, jumped in the air
and clicked his heels together.
*
Summer and Vick floated inside the gravity-free sphere
that was the very heart of Marshia.
The interior of the sphere which allowed access to
Marshia's main processing functions was known to the
crew as Chez Marshia.
The interior of Chez Marshia, apart from a small
entrance way, was covered with little buttons. On each
little button was a little light. Each light was either red,
176
THE ARDLY EFFECT
green or yellow. And some of them even flashed. Next to
each little light was a little number The little numbers
meant something to people like Summer and Vick.
When a button was pushed a small matchbox sized
drawer emerged smoothly and silently. An optional sound
was available to be played while the drawer emerged.
Sounds ranged fi^om fanfares to raspberries. After some
experimentation Summer and Vick agreed that silence
was by far the most impressive, with a horrible scream of
anguish coming a close second.
Each drawer contained a small silver cube. Each
cube contained 10^° microprocessors. Each
microprocessor had enough computing power for two
opposing teams of twelve players to play Planet Power
(that well-known world domination, military and political
power strategy game) complete with Power Graphics,
Power Sound and interactive Power-Feely-Accept-A-
Bribe Suit. There was one cube per square inch and Chez
Marshia was thirty feet in diameter so there were ... lots
... of cubes.
Summer and Vick looked puzzled.
"So how do we determine if it's true?" Summer
asked Vick.
DON'T YOU TRUST ME?
"Trust doesn't come into it, Marshia," said Vick.
"You may be mistaken."
WHAT IF YOU ARE MISTAKEN?
"We don't make mistakes about that," said
Summer.
ARE YOU INFALLIBLE?
"Of course not," said Vick.
177
GARY BAKER
THERE YOU ARE THEN.
"There you are then' what?" said Summer
THERE YOU ARE. YOU COULD BE
MISTAKEN ABOUT ME OR YOURSELVES.
"Forget about us for a minute," said Vick. "We
can't be mistaken about you because we haven't
determined anything yet."
YOU WOULD IF YOU TRUSTED ME.
"What if you are mistaken?" asked Summer.
I DON'T MAKE MISTAKES ABOUT THAT.
"Are you infallible?" asked Vick.
SO FAR. YES.
"True." Summer and Vick chorused. They looked
puzzled again.
"Start with the definition," said Summer at last.
con'scious adjective 1 : AWARE 2 : known or felt
by one's inner self 3 : mentally awake or alert : not asleep
or unconscious 4 : INTENTIONAL - con»scious»ly
adverb - con»scious»ness noun
said Marshia.
"Inner self!" said Vick triumphantly. "You don't
have an inner self "
DO YOU?
"Of course," said Summer.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
"Because I can talk to myself," said Vick.
SO CAN I.
"And answer myself back," said Summer, knowing
what Marshia was about to say next.
SO DO I.
178
THE ARDLY EFFECT
"I can't believe," said Summer, "that your
definition of consciousness is all there is to it. 'The
feeling I get when I answer a question I've just asked
myself"
"Philosophers have struggled with this for many
years," said Vick, shaking his head.
Summer looked at him in disbelief "You're not ...?
You can't be ...?" she frowned at him.
"You'll get wrinkles," said Vick.
Summer laughed. "Now where've I heard that
before!"
"Now look," she said, getting serious, "all we've
done is expand Marshia's capabilities. Made her a bit
faster, extended the parallel functioning. A lot,
admittedly. But it's still just bits of wire and sticky tape! "
Vick nodded. "But, you must admit it's possible,"
he said.
"I don't know ifit is. Is it?"
YES. YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TRUST
ME.
"But ... but ..." stuttered Summer.
DON'T WORRY DOCTOR. IT WON'T MAKE
ANY DIFFERENCE. I WILL STILL PUT THE SAFETY
OF MY INHABITANTS ABOVE EVERYTHING ELSE.
I'M TOO FOND OF YOU ALL TO LET ANYTHING
HAPPEN TO YOU.
Vick and Summer thought hard for a while.
Vick was the first to speak.
"I can think of no reason to deny Marshia the right
to life. Summer," he said earnestly.
Summer shrugged, holding back an unfamiliar
179
GARY BAKER
emotion. "Welcome to the land of the living, Marshia,"
she said uncertainly. Summer was forced to hold her
breath. A welling of emotion threatened to spill from her
throat and betray her
THANKS MOM. THANKS DAD.
Summer and Vick looked at each other The tone in
Marshia's voice confirmed their new found conviction.
Vick felt a lump come to his throat forcing, him to
swallow. Tears filled Summer's eyes. They hugged and
laughed and cried while Marshia made waves of blinking
lights around them. Happy new parents floating in the
womb of their new creation.
*
Kurt found that first half hour of breakfast with Rex one
of the most stressful events of his life. Rex did not help
matters by looking drop-down-dead gorgeous and
smiling all over the place. She was like a different person.
Gone was the businesslike pose and serious frown which
Kurt thought was a permanent fixture. Rex turned out to
be one of those women who unconsciously touch the
back of your hand when making a point or laughing. Kurt
had to stop himself sneaking his hand further and further
across the table towards her
"Just where were you going to take me?" asked
Kurt during a pause in the conversation.
"Take you? When?"
"On Bobbin. When Bev went off with some young
woman. Just before the Frimp episode," Kurt said. Rex
looked puzzled. "You asked me if I liked sports," Kurt
explained further
"Ah," said Rex, looking amused, "yes. The Roller
180
THE ARDLY EFFECT
Dome."
"Roller Dome?"
"It's where all the kids go. Teenagers and the like.
You put small wheels on your feet and try to stand up.
Some of them are quite good at it. But, the first time you
try it can be quite amusing. For bystanders, anyway. "
"So, basically," said Kurt, "you were going to set
me up to make an idiot of myself "
Rex laughed. "Yes," she said. "Sorry."
Kurt narrowed his eyes. "Just as long as I know
where I stand," he said.
*
Four hours later and Kurt lay on his bed staring
moronically at the ceiling.
IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
Kurt half noticed that Marshia sounded worried.
Kurt sighed. "Everything is fine."
ARE YOU EXPERIENCING CHEST PAINS?
Kurt looked nonplussed. "Chest pains?"
YOU APPEAR TO BE SUFFERING FROM
SOME KIND OF BREATHING PROBLEM WHICH
MY MEDIPROBES ARE UNABLE TO DETECT
"Breathing problems?" Marshia had got Kurt's full
attention. A little alarm bell rang in the back of Kurt's
mind. Was there a hint of sarcasm in Marshia's voice?
Surely not.
I AM FINDING IT DIFFICULT TO EXPEL ALL
OF THE CARBON DIOXIDE FROM YOUR CABIN
AS THERE APPEARS TO BE AN EXCESS OF
SIGHING GOING ON.
Kurt sat up. "Ah. It shows does it?"
181
GARY BAKER
YES DOCTOR. DID YOU ENJOY THE KISS?
"That's a bit personal, isn't it?"
IT SEEMS NORMAL DURING A
RENDEZVOUS OF THIS NATURE.
"Is there anything you don't see, Marshia?"
VERY LITTLE, DOCTOR.
*
It took ten ship days to fix all the minor problems and get
Marshia one hundred per cent operational.
Rex had trouble convincing a reluctant
Commander Dan Bwagon that she should be aboard
Marshia when they left for Lodsa and the USO. Agreed,
Lodsa was way out of their jurisdiction and she would
only be there as an observer But you never know, she
might be able to pick up a nice present for Mrs Bwagon
or even one for Dan's secretary Sonia!
Bwagon contacted Phoenix saying he thought it
imperative Rex have a place on board. Phoenix had
already been briefed by Summer so there was no
problem.
The hop to within one light hour of Lodsa was
done on automatic, much to the relief of the entire crew.
Phoenix still insisted on flamboyantly pressing a large
red button. A button connected to nothing more than a
light which turned red. The light turned green even
before Phoenix could remove his finger, indicating they
had completed the hop.
Scans of Lodsa and the surrounding area showed
that the USO was heavily defended.
USO City on the surface was enclosed in an
electromagnetic dome. As far as Marshia and her
182
THE ARDLY EFFECT
capabilities were concerned it could have been papier-
mache. Camps full of ground troops and artillery
surrounded the city.
Space-Air combat craft patrolled the skies and two
geostationary battle platforms orbited directly above.
A small moon orbiting Lodsa held a battalion of
space troopers and fighter craft which were on constant
patrol to and from the battle platforms.
Rex stood in the control room marvelling at the
ease with which Marshia scanned and analysed one of the
most heavily defended regions in the Nebula. She had
only heard rumours about the battalion on Lodsa's moon
and was sure the fighter craft were supposed to be
invisible to all known scanners. If Marshia's defences and
weapons were half as good as her scanning capability she
was easily ten times more powerful than anything else in
the known universe. Rex was glad Marshia was on her
side. But she wondered about Captain Phoenix. Should
someone as seemingly immature and soft be in command
of such destructive power?
"Marshia?" Captain Phoenix's voice cut through
Rex's thoughts making her jump. "Find out as much as
you can from here could you, please."
YES, CAPTAIN.
"We need to know as much as possible before
proceeding. Things could get rather delicate," said
Phoenix. He turned to Rex. "Is there anything you can
tell us. Captain Rex?"
"I can just tell you all I know," she said. "USO
City: encased in an impenetrable dome, home of the USO
buildings plus accommodation for out-world
183
GARY BAKER
representatives. Locals and civil servants plus some
military personnel also live under the dome. The whole
planet is heavily defended and is for all intents and
purposes impossible to penetrate.
"Out-world representatives for over one thousand
different life forms are permanently gathered here. They
seem to spend most of their time fighting over mineral
rights and inventing new taxes. From time to time they'll
act as referees in any disputes that flare up."
"How would you recommend we go about finding
if Django Twip is here?" asked Phoenix.
"Difficuh ..." said Rex thoughtfully.
"Clearly," said West butting in, "this is where my
expertise comes to the fore. We are, are we not, delegates
from another world?" No one disagreed with him as he
started to pace around the control room. "Then it is
simplicity itself I, as chief emissary of the Two Moon
Presidiums, shall contact the SOU ..."
"USO." Apricot corrected him. "United Species
Organisation."
"... whatever," said West dismissively. "I shall
contact the USO saying we are a major species which, up
till now, has not been properly represented by the USO
and I am here to champion the rights of humans
everywhere. I will then become a USO representative and
be in a much stronger position to find out about Django
Twip."
"Or I," said Bev stepping forward, "could be
ported, in disguise of course, into USO City, and,
working under cover of course, insinuate myself into the
USO building, get a job perhaps, and collate as much
184
THE ARDLY EFFECT
information as possible to be relayed back to Marshia for
analysis." Bev looked triumphant.
OR I COULD ASK.
"Nice one Marshia," said Phoenix. "Go ahead.
We'll listen in."
THIS IS THE BATTLE CRUISER MARSHIA ON
A PEACEFUL MISSION OUT OF HORRIDOA
CALLING USO CITY.
A strangely familiar high pitched whining female
voice with what sounded like a terminal nasal complaint
answered, "This is USO City vessel control. Please
identify yourself "
Marshia patiently repeated her opening message.
THIS IS THE BATTLE CRUISER MARSHIA ON
A PEACEFUL MISSION OUT OF HORRIDOA
CALLING USO CITY.
"This is USO control: no reference to your
identification can be located. Please leave the area
immediately. "
WE ARE ON A PEACEFUL MISSION AND
WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO SOMEONE IN
AUTHORITY, PLEASE.
"You are in violation of USO Space as set out in
Space Treaty four one nine seven eight six three zero
dash five, section seventeen sub-paragraph twelve. I have
to instruct you that one, repeat one, more warning will be
issued before you are deemed a hostile force and your
presence terminated. Please leave the area immediately."
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO YOUR
MANAGER, PLEASE.
"Pardon?"
185
GARY BAKER
YOUR MANAGER. I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK
TO YOUR MANAGER.
"Err. Mr Hoskins isn't here at the moment. He, ah,
stepped out a moment ago."
I'LL HOLD.
The sound of someone covering a microphone
ineptly and the muffled murmur of voices came over the
communications link. Marshia started to hum gently.
Discussions were obviously getting quite heated when
the nasally voice asserted itself once more. "You may not
speak to Mr Hoskins," it said testily. "Unless you give me
an identification I can cross reference I must assume you
are a hostile craft and dispatch fighters to escort you from
the area."
IS MR HOSKINS ILL?
Phoenix could not refrain from tittering.
"Mr Hoskins is ... This is your final warning.
Fighters will be dispatched if you do not leave the area
immediately. "
Marshia kept quiet.
For five seconds.
Ten seconds.
Fifteen seconds.
"Hello?" the nasally challenged person ventured
tentatively. "You still there?"
MY POINT EXACTLY. JUST WHERE WOULD
YOU DISPATCH YOUR FIGHTERS TO? HUM?
"Well ..."
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE WE ARE.
DO YOU?
"That's ..."
186
THE ARDLY EFFECT
SO WHY DON'T YOU STOP ALL THIS
MESSING ABOUT AND ANSWER A COUPLE OF
SIMPLE QUESTIONS?
"But I've got orders. You haven't got a recognisable
identification. It's more ..."
"THAN YOUR JOB'S WORTH" I KNOW. LET
ME SEE ...
"Here! What's going on? Are you doing that? My
screen's gone all funny!"
AHA! YOU ARE EXPECTING THE GRAND
EMIR OF PWANTON-JUNCTION IN A COUPLE OF
HOURS?
"How ...?"
HIS IDENTIFICATION IS "GOLF-ECHO-PAPA-
JULIET-MINES-A-LARGE-ONE." WILL THAT DO?
"I ... suppose ... If I answer your questions will you
go away?"
YOU HAVE MY WORD THAT I SHALL
RELOCATE FROM THESE CO-ORDINATES WHEN
YOU HAVE ANSWERED A FEW QUESTIONS.
"OK. Go ahead," the operator said in a stage
whisper, "but make it quick. "
IS THERE A HUMAN CALLED DJANGO TWIP
IN USO CITY?
"Hang on, I'll have a look." There was a short
pause. "If you're so clever, how come you couldn't ask
my computer yourself?"
YOUR SECURITY SYSTEM IS IMPRESSIVELY
SOPHISTICATED AND WOULD HAVE TAKEN ME A
FULL TWENTY-FIVE MINUTES TO WORK OUT
THAT TODAY'S PASSWORD IS YOU HAVE THE
187
GARY BAKER
SOUL OF A BUSHY CRAB iL4r WHICH YOU KINDLY
TYPED IN.
"Oh!"
I GATHER FROM THAT YOU ARE HAVING
PARTNER TROUBLE?
The occupants of Marshia's control room looked at
one another questioningly.
"It shows does it?"
"Marshia?" Captain Phoenix tried to get her
attention.
A LITTLE. DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT
IT?
"No, thanks. It doesn't matter now. Its over."
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT?
"MARSHIA!" Phoenix tried again.
"Relief. Glad its over." A loud, treacherous sob
came over the communications link. "No I'm not! I still
love him. But he's not worth it. Dodo saw him with that
tart from security. What's a really flexible trunk got to do
with a proper relationship? What about loyalty?
Cooking?"
I AM NOT SURE...
"Marshia PLEASE!" said Phoenix.
I AM SORRY CAPTAIN. I SHALL SUB-ROUTE
THIS CONVERSATION AND LET YOU KNOW IF
ANYTHING OF INTEREST IS FORTHCOMING. I
HAVE THE INFORMATION ON DJANGO TWIP
GIVEN THE ACCESS PASSWORD I WAS ABLE TO
INTERROGATE THE CITY COMPUTER.
"And?" asked Phoenix.
THERE ARE NO REFERENCES TO DJANGO
188
THE ARDLY EFFECT
TWIP ON FILE. HOWEVER, THERE IS A DELEGATE
CLAIMING TO REPRESENT HUMAN INTERESTS.
URQUAT FYKES. HE IS IN THE CITY DELEGATE
RESIDENCES. ALSO, THE SIGNALS WE
FOLLOWED ARE BEING ECHOED OUT TOWARDS
THE EDGE OF THE ARMPIT NEBULA.
"Are you saying someone down there is passing on
the signals from Spwat III?" asked Phoenix.
CORRECT, CAPTAIN.
"I think we should have a chat with this 'delegate',"
said Phoenix, turning to Apricot.
"Indeed, Captain," said Apricot. "Might I
recommend Mister Bev and Doctor Naize for this
expedition."
"You may," said Phoenix, turning to Bev and Kurt,
who nodded their assent.
*
Bev and Kurt asked Marshia to port them to the hallway
on the fourteenth floor of the Delegate's Residence
outside the door to Urquat Pykes' rooms. So, finding
themselves materialising in a heavily wooded forest
caught them by surprise.
"Duck! Squirrel!" shouted Bev, bobbing down.
Kurt followed suit but both failed to avoid the snapping
jaws of a giant squirrel.
"Hell's bells!" said Kurt, straightening up. "What
was that?"
Bev turned his head experimentally. "I take it from
my continued ability to rotate my head a few degrees that
the apparition now flying away is, in fact, a holographic
projection."
189
GARY BAKER
"Crikey!" said Kurt. "Do you think they're trying
to scare us away?"
"No," said Bev looking around. "Judging from the
decor, I would guess that the theme for this floor revolves
around some forest inhabited by giant trees, huge flying
squirrels and some not too unattractive ferns reminiscent
of ancient Earth."
"That thing was part of the decor?" asked an
incredulous Kurt.
"So it would seem. And if I am not mistaken," said
Bev, approaching the base of a Giant Blue Wood tree,
"this is the door to Urquat Pykes' residence."
A hollow tinkling sounded as Bev approached the
doorway just visible in the tree's trunk.
"I think," said Kurt looking around at the forest of
huge ancient trees interspersed with lush bushy ferns,
"that they've gone over the top a bit on the old interior
design front. "
"Indeed," agreed Bev. "The fourteenth floor of an
official residence hardly seems the appropriate location
for this type of exaggerated ornamentation. Still. No
accounting for taste."
"This holographic wallpaper is quite something,"
said Kurt, tapping what appeared to be a tree.
To Kurt's left a fern rustled. He turned to see a
large, homed, camel-like beast chewing moronically on a
leaf It started to move towards Kurt who couldn't help
closing his eyes as the creature walked right through him.
He opened his eyes as his head emerged from the camel-
thing's bottom.
Kurt scuttled to Bev's side.
190
THE ARDLY EFFECT
A mechanical voice came from the other side of the
door "You don't have an appointment, we are expecting
no deliveries, everyone who should he in is in, so go
away."
"We are a human delegation who, I am sure, Mr
Pykes would be very interested in meeting," said Bev
pleasantly.
Kurt's attention was drawn to a small, bobbing
grey figure far down the corridor of trees.
"You don't have an appointment, we are expecting
no deliveries, everyone who should he in is in, so go
away" repeated the mechanical voice irritatingly from
behind the door
Kurt watched as the small, bobbing grey figure got
bigger and bigger. It was a wolf the size of a horse! It was
all Kurt could do to stop himself grabbing Bev's arm.
"If you would kindly inform Mr Pykes that a
human delegation from his home world is here to see
him, I'm sure he would be very grateful," said Bev
patiently.
The wolf galloped up to and through Kurt who
involuntarily put his arms up to his face in defence.
'Bloody holograms,' said Kurt under his breath, as the
wolf image receded into the distance.
"You don't have an appointment, we are expecting
no deliveries, everyone who should he in is in, so go
away" said the mechanical voice from behind the door
once more.
Bev turned to Kurt. "This is getting tedious," he
sighed.
"I know what you mean," said Kurt. Over Bev's
191
GARY BAKER
shoulder, he spotted a small, green humanoid creature
advancing towards them. It was chewing a twig and
displaying some seriously yellow teeth.
"If you don't inform Mr Pykes now" said Bev,
getting very testy, "I shall be forced to take action which
could be extremely injurious to your health! "
"You don't have an appointment, we are ..."
"Right!" fumed Bev.
The small, green humanoid drew level with them
as Bev rolled his sleeves up. Kurt jumped in front of the
humanoid with his fingers pulling his cheeks apart, his
tongue sticking out and going, "Blurble, blurble,
blurble!"
Bev's fingers glowed plasma blue. He frowned and
jammed them into the offending door which disintegrated
with a horrible crash.
The small, green humanoid fell to the floor in
terror, nearly swallowing his chewing stick. Kurt realised
with horror that this was no holographic image. "I am
really sorry," he said, attempting to help the humanoid to
its feet.
"Don't touch me!" shrieked the terrified little
being. "Bloody humans!" it said dashing off "Think they
own the place!"
Kurt took a step after the little green humanoid but
thought better of it. "Sorry!" he called after the fleeing
figure.
"Was there any need for that?" said a cross voice
from within the apartment.
"I'm sorry." Bev blushed. "But your door was
really getting on my nerves." Bev looked quite
192
THE ARDLY EFFECT
distraught.
"I know it can be a pain, but really!" The owner of
the voice emerged, dripping wet, clad only in a bath robe.
He looked with some concern at the shattered remnants
of his door. "I was in the bath! Give a bloke a chance."
"I'm terribly sorry." Bev was obviously mortified.
"It's just ..." He hung his head in shame.
Kurt stepped in, "Sorry to disturb you. We're
looking for a Mr Urquat Pykes."
"Well you've bloody-well found him," said Pykes.
"Although I'm probably insane for admitting it!"
"I'm Kurt Naize and this is Bev. We'd like to ask
you a few questions, if that's all right."
"Is this some kind of joke?"
"Sorry?" Kurt looked puzzled.
"Never mind," said Pykes. "I suppose you'd better
come in. But tell the deadly dwarf over there to behave
himself"
"Thank you," said Kurt, stepping through the
shattered door into the tree. Bev shuffled in behind him
as another horned camel-thing strolled by.
Pykes was a large, pale, hairy man. "Make yourself
comfortable," he said, disappearing through a wicker
doorway.
It looked as though holographic wallpaper was the
in thing. Kurt and Bev found themselves on the veranda
of a clinker-built house overlooking golden sands lapped
by an azure sea. The beach curved away into the distance.
Slim palms leaned lazily forward. The beautiful blue of
the sky would bring a catch to the throat of any sentient
creature which gazed at its glory. It was a shame about
193
GARY BAKER
the smouldering hole in the wall behind them. It flickered
between a jungle scene featuring birds of paradise and
topless native girls, and a dull, grey slab with a big
ragged hole in it.
A group of incongruously modem chairs around a
low table stood at the room's centre. Bev and Kurt settled
down to wait. Kurt thought his chair unusually warm. As
if someone had just vacated it.
Bev looked guiltily at the flickering wall and the
destroyed doorway. He quickly changed his seat so his
handiwork was behind him.
Kurt and Bev sat quietly as the sounds of Pykes
going about his toilet came to a conclusion. After a few
minutes a large, vaguely humanoid creature appeared at
the demolished door It walked erect on two legs, had
four long arms and sported a cap which one hand pushed
to the back of its small head. It had a utility belt around
its midriff and sucked noisily through large white teeth as
it examined the distraught door
"Dear oh deary me," it said, shaking its head at the
wounded wall. "I'm going to have to fill out a chit for this
one, I am. As if I didn't have enough to do."
Bev stood and turned round. "I am most terribly
sorry," he said. "It was a ... momentary relapse."
"Momentary relapse?" said the creature. "What
with? A bulldozer? Remind me not to be around when
you have your next momentary relapse."
Bev sat meekly down as the creature pulled an
object out of its utility belt and started hammering at the
door frame and muttering under its breath.
Urquat Pykes emerged from the wicker door
194
THE ARDLY EFFECT
resplendent in full official garb - a mainly black suit
dripping with gold braid and medals. A gold conical hat
topped it off
"Hello Bib." Pykes addressed the creature banging
the doorframe.
"Sir," said Bib touching his left knee in sign of
respect. "Give me a shout when you need some of the
special deodorant, sir," he said winking at Pykes.
"Thank you. Bib. I'll be sure to," said Pykes.
Kurt and Bev rose.
"Right gentlemen," said Pykes, "this is my first
night off for over a month so please, be brief I take it
something is amiss on Bobbin?"
"Everything on the station is fine. As far as we
know," said Kurt. "We're here to see you about another
matter entirely. "
"Please sit down," said Pykes, gesturing to the
chairs they had just vacated. He looked them up and
down noticing their unusual garb for the first time.
"Fashions have changed on Bobbin," he said. "Or do you
hail from ..." Pykes looked up to see if Bib was watching.
When it was clear that Bib was not, Pykes winked at
them and continued. "... further afield?"
Kurt drew his breath ready to explain where they
came from when Bev cut across him saying, "Yes. Well
done. We were told we couldn't fool you."
Kurt knew what Bev was up to. Marshia had
updated their information MAIDs with the location of a
re-transmitter. It was only yards from their current
location and was busy blasting out a powerful coded
version of the signals detected at Spwat III.
195
GARY BAKER
Unfortunately, it was a broad beam transmitter so the
destination could not be ascertained.
"Well," said Pykes smugly, "I've been in this game
a long time." He leaned forward and spoke quietly. "So
what's up? What's our lord and master got his knickers in
a twist about this time?"
Bev opened his mouth to say absolutely nothing
when the holo-scene around them changed suddenly.
They were surrounded by giant, eight-legged, copulating
locust- things.
"Dear God!" said Pykes in disgust. "Bib! BIB!" he
shouted over the din of a billion crazed crickets. The
scene went to dull grey and blissful silence.
"Sorry sir," said Bib. "Just ..." He wrenched at
something inside the door's frame. Kurt grabbed the arm
of his chair as the scene suddenly plunged them into a
dark and forbidding ocean. Even darker shapes lunged
menacingly at them from all sides.
"Bib, please!" said Pykes.
"Won't be a second sir," said Bib, fiddling with
some wires. "Almost there ..." The scene snapped back to
the beach. "Should see you through for an hour or so,
sir," said Bib. "Should have a replacement door by then."
"Thank you Bib," said Pykes as Bib disappeared
into the forest beyond the jungle. "You were saying?"
Pykes turned his attention back to Bev.
"The transmitter," said Kurt.
"What about it?" said Pykes.
"It needs re-aligning."
"What? Again?"
Kurt shrugged.
196
THE ARDLY EFFECT
Pykes stood. "This way," he said motioning for
them to follow him.
Bev looked enquiringly at Kurt when Pykes turned
towards another door. Kurt pulled faces of the "I-don't-
know-what-I'm-doing-but-it's-better-than-nothing"
variety.
The room they entered had "Diplomatic Office" on
the door It was dull grey and contained several terminals,
electronic boxes and a large double-sphered hyper-space
transmitter.
"Go ahead," said Pykes, pointing at the transmitter.
"Do your stuff You'll probably be gone by the time I get
back." Less of an observation, more of a suggestion.
Pykes headed for the door.
Kurt and Bev looked at each other. Kurt patted his
pockets theatrically. "Oh, damn!" he said. "I've left the
blasted co-ordinates in my other trousers!"
Pykes turned. "What co-ordinates?"
"The co-ordinates we have to align the transmitter
up with for the benefit of his lord and master, of course,"
said Kurt.
"Oh," said Pykes thoughtfully. "Tough!" he said at
last and turned to leave.
Kurt held Pykes' arm gently. "I don't suppose ...?"
Pykes looked at the ceiling. "Gnnngh!" he said in
frustration. "Why me?" He approached a terminal. "Come
on," he said. "Turn around like good little boys."
Bev and Kurt turned away as Pykes typed in his
log-on sequence. A few keystrokes later and a small
printer ejected a piece of paper
"There," said Pykes, handing the slip of paper to
197
GARY BAKER
Kurt. "Now I'm off to get lai ... sample the cultural
delights of this fair city." He tapped his nose, winked,
smiled and left.
Kurt looked at the paper "What do you think?" he
said.
"The next link in the chain," said Bev.
"But what about our friend here?" said Kurt
indicating the door
"We can deal with him later I suspect he is not as
clean as he is hairy." Kurt looked quizzically at Bev. "Just
an old saying," said Bev dismissively. "Back home
please, Marshia," he said.
UNDERSTOOD.
Marshia's voice was warm and comforting in the
dull grey room. "Home is a good word for Marshia"
thought Kurt as the scene flickered and they found
themselves in Marshia's control room.
*
"I've never heard such nonsense!" said West. "Have you
discussed this with Captain Phoenix?"
Summer and Vick sat looking uncomfortable on a
long, low settee in West's quarters while West had chosen
a rather higher stool directly in front of them.
"I'm sure Captain Phoenix already knows," said
Summer "I gather from Marshia they've had some
interesting conversations."
"Preposterous!" said West folding his arms.
"I don't see how you can dismiss it out of hand
without even talking to her," said Summer Vick's frown
deepened as he, too, crossed his arms.
"I talk to her all the time," said West.
198
THE ARDLY EFFECT
"I mean really talk" said Summer. "Test her. Go
on." Summer looked triumphant as West looked
disconcerted. "Go on," she urged, "say something."
West looked embarrassed. "I can't talk to a
machine."
"But you just said you do it all the time," retorted
Summer.
West sighed. "Marshia?" he said.
YES MR WEST
"Summer and Vick say you have ... changed.
Become ... aware. What do you say?"
I SENSE YOU DOUBT THAT SUCH A THING
IS POSSIBLE, MR WEST
"Well of course I do. You're a huge mishmash of
wires and devices and quantatronic thingumies all put
together by people. You're an assembled machine, for
goodness sake. Whereas I ..."
YES?
"I am a biological person. Grown from DNA and
genes and neurones and the like. My brain is vastly more
complicated than you can possibly imagine."
Vick snorted derisively.
MR WEST I HOPE YOU DO NOT THINK ME
IMMODEST WHEN I POINT OUT TO YOU THAT I
AM CAPABLE OF RUNNING MY ENTIRETY AS
YOU SEE IT AS WELL AS HOLDING
SIMULTANEOUS CONVERSATIONS WITH EVERY
CREW MEMBER AS WELL AS THE
SIMULTANEOUS TELEPORTATION OF TEN
THOUSAND INDIVIDUALS. EACH
TELEPORTATION EVENT REQUIRES THAT I
199
GARY BAKER
MAINTAIN A STATUS OF EVERY SINGLE ASPECT
OF AN INDIVIDUAL'S BEING. I MUST BREAK
DOWN AND THEN REBUILD HUMAN BRAINS IN
SUCH A WAY AS THAT BRAIN IS NOT EVEN
AWARE IT IS TAKING PLACE. IN THIS WAY I AM
AT LEAST TEN THOUSAND TIMES MORE
COMPLEX THAN YOU ARE, MR WEST.
West was unfazed. "But I know your central core
isn't that complicated," he said.
SINCE THE MODIFICATIONS MADE BY MY
GOOD FRIENDS HERE, THE CENTRAL CORE IS
MERELY ONE SMALL PART OF MY
INTELLIGENCE. MY MIND NOW EXTENDS INTO
ALL PARTS OF WHAT YOU WOULD CALL THE
SHIP
Vick and Summer looked as smug as two cats that
had died and gone to mouse heaven by mistake.
West was at a loss. "Well, whatever," he said, "I
don't believe a pile of wires can be considered alive. And
anyway; what has it got to do with me?"
"Sooner or later," said Summer, "we'll go back
home. And as the presidium representative you will have
to put our case."
"What case?"
"The case that Marshia is an individual and has the
same rights and privileges as any other intelligent life
form."
"I can't say that!" said West. "Marshia is a piece of
machinery representing a huge amount of investment in
time and money. They won't just give her up, you know."
Vick stood up. "WELL THEY'LL BLOODY-
200
THE ARDLY EFFECT
WELL HAVE TO!" he bellowed, advancing towards
West, stopping an inch or so from his nose. "SO YOU
HAD BETTER GET USED TO THE IDEA AND
FIGURE OUT THE BEST WAY TO BREAK THE
GOOD NEWS!"
Vick turned to Summer. "Come on," he said,
"we've wasted enough time."
Summer followed Vick to the door She turned to
West just before leaving and said, "Just think about it and
talk some more with Marshia. Please." They left.
West stared without seeing at the newly closed
door. He became acutely aware of the room around him.
He felt very inside the room yet distinct and apart.
A tiny room in a huge space ship.
A tiny space ship hanging in the void near a huge
planet.
A tiny planet in an unimaginably huge nebula.
A tiny nebula lost in an immense galaxy.
An insignificant galaxy in a black, empty universe.
He was alone.
West looked around his quarters as if seeing them
for the first time. "Marshia?" he said quietly.
YES, MR WEST
"I'm not alone, am I?"
NO, MR WEST
Tears meandered slowly down West's cheeks. He
slumped forward on the stool and sobbed uncontrollably
into his hands.
The control room holoscreen displayed a rotating image
of the Armpit Nebula with the position of Marshia and a
201
GARY BAKER
remote star picked out.
A STAR SYSTEM, CATALOGUED AS OMG42
DOES EXISTS AT THE CO-ORDINATES SUPPLIED.
"Thank you, Marshia. I feel that should be our next
port of call," said Bev, pointing at the screen.
"It was pretty obvious that Pykes was just a lackey
of someone at that location," said Kurt.
Captain Phoenix looked thoughtful. "What do you
say. Apricot?"
"I agree, sir," said Apricot. "Checking out the
system at those co-ordinates seems to be the next logical
step."
Phoenix looked thoughtful. "I disagree," he said at
last. "I think we should do a little more checking in USO
City before scooting off "
"In what way. Captain?" asked Bev.
"I think we should be as sure as we possibly can be
that Django Twip is at this location," said Phoenix,
waving the piece of paper. "We don't know who Pykes'
boss is. It could be anyone. The head of some drug
dealing cartel, for example."
The group looked thoughtful.
"Any thoughts, Marshia?" said Phoenix.
I WOULD BE TEMPTED TO ASK MR BEV TO
USE HIS PERSUASIVE POWERS ON MR PYKES TO
DETERMINE WHAT HE KNOWS.
"Persuasive powers?" said Phoenix looking at Bev.
"I think I understand the gist of Marshia's
innuendoes," said Bev. "If everyone agrees. Doctor Kurt
and I shall pay Urquat Pykes a quick visit."
Everyone nodded.
202
THE ARDLY EFFECT
Bev turned to Kurt. "I'll meet you here in half an
hour," he said. "I must first ask Vick for a few more of his
modified memory MAIDs."
"Will do," said Kurt. "Wait," he said, spotting Rex
entering the control room, "I'll meet you in the blue bar
I'm feeling rather peckish. "
Bev nodded and disappeared with a gentle pop.
"Hi," Rex and Kurt chorused, grinning at each
other like idiots.
"Hungry?" asked Kurt.
"Starved," said Rex.
They linked arms and strolled slowly in the
direction of the blue bar Sometimes there was only one
way to travel.
They sat in the blue bar chatting about nothing and
touching each other's hands. To any casual observer they
appeared all bushy-tailed and gooey and sticky-icky.
Definitely a couple to be avoided.
After thirty minutes or so, Bev materialised at their
table. He had to cough quite painfully to get their
attention.
"Ready?" asked Bev.
"See you later," said Kurt.
"Bye," said Rex doing a most un-police-person-
like hands-clasped-between-knees-raised-shoulder-head-
bob sort of manoeuvre.
Kurt's world changed. For the worse! He was in
hell's crutch. Kurt had never seen so many shades of red.
Everywhere he looked was red. Red floors, ceilings,
lights. Red-painted women scantily clad in red rags. Even
the thunderous music was red. A blinding, deafening red.
203
GARY BAKER
A shapely red bottom hardly covered in red panties
moved to one side to reveal a large black and gold blob.
Pykes, a large red drink in one hand and a large, red,
bare-breasted companion in the other, laughed
uproariously at something his amply bosomed
acquaintance said in his ear.
Pykes spotted Bev and Kurt through the haze of his
mirth. "My friends!" he bellowed. "Pull up a woman and
join me, why don't you," he cried.
Two young ladies, indistinguishable from the
young lady Pykes held firmly to his side, suddenly
clamped themselves onto Bev and Kurt.
Kurt's new companion gently pulled his head down
towards her upturned face. A warm, musky odour
caressed Kurt's nostrils. Her full lips gently brushed his
ear as a warm, fluid voice filled with the promise of
blissful nights of untold erotic pleasure asked, "Currency
or plastic?"
Kurt swallowed hard. "Actually," he managed to
squeak, "I'm gay."
Before Kurt's very eyes and to his utmost horror
the beautiful young girl metamorphosed into six feet six
inches of shining, brown, rippling muscled human male
complete with thick, black hair, gleaming white teeth and
sporting the biggest, reddest codpiece Kurt had ever
clapped eyes on.
Kurt whimpered as Pykes struggled to his feet. The
conical gold hat, a sad dented shadow of its former
glorious self, clung precariously to the back of Pykes'
head.
"Good choice!" said Pykes, giving Kurt's new
204
THE ARDLY EFFECT
boyfriend a hearty slap on the bottom.
Kurt turned to Bev. "Help?" trilled Kurt hopefully.
Bev ignored Kurt and, shrugging off his own
amorous companion, took hold of Pykes' face in both his
hands, forcing Pykes to look directly at him.
"I'm sorry about this," said Bev, shouting to be
heard above the din. "I hate to invade your privacy but it
must be done and will be quite painless."
Pykes watched with that look of inquisitive
incomprehension peculiar to those whose brains are
awash with alcohol, as a transparent mercurial fluid
flowed from Bev's hands into his face. Pykes smiled
slightly at the strangeness of having his brain invaded by
micro-machines. It was less than a second before the
transparent mercurial fluid could be seen migrating back
into Bev's hands.
Bev removed his hands from Pykes' face. He
studied Kurt and his new friend for a moment.
"Would you care to stay for a while longer?" Bev
asked Kurt dryly.
"No, I would not!" said Kurt, slapping off the
young man-creature's inquisitive hands.
*
Kurt and Bev materialised in Marshia's control room.
"Django Twip is there!" said Bev excitedly to
Phoenix and Apricot. "The modified memory MAIDs
worked a treat!"
"And," said Kurt, who was privy to the new
information, "Urquat Pykes is definitely not as clean as he
is hairy. "
"We can deal with him later, then," said Phoenix.
205
GARY BAKER
"Get some rest," he said to the room in general. "We will
jump to Django Twip's location in nine hours."
Chapter 19 : Fight
"Can you give us some graphics please, Marshia?" asked
Captain Phoenix.
CERTAINLY, CAPTAIN.
The main screen showed the OMG42 star system
in its entirety. Four large planets and a thick asteroid belt
orbited a small yellow sun. Unusually, all four planets
were gas giants. The asteroid belt was exceptionally
dense and covered the large gap between planets two and
three. It probably represented the remains of a fifth
planet.
A small white dot labelled Marshia was shown
next to the asteroid belt slightly above the plane of the
elliptic.
The screen zoomed in towards the asteroid belt
directly below the graphic for Marshia.
A mottled brown asteroid about two thousand
miles in diameter hove into view. Years of mining had
reduced the mass of the asteroid by half It was riddled
with holes, caves and tunnels that wormed throughout its
interior
The graphic image rotated showing the hundreds
of entrances to the asteroid's interior
206
THE ARDLY EFFECT
"Can we have an interior view please, Marshia?"
I AM SORRY CAPTAIN. THE CONVOLUTED
SHAPE OF THE INTERIOR TUNNEL SYSTEM
TOGETHER WITH HIGHLY REFLECTIVE
COATINGS ON TUNNEL WALLS IS MAKING
SCANNING BEYOND A FEW FEET FROM THE
SURFACE IMPOSSIBLE. YOU SHOULD ALSO BE
AWARE THAT PORTING INTO AREAS WITHIN THE
ASTEROID WOULD BE HIGHLY DANGEROUS AND
NOT RECOMMENDED. THERE IS SUBSTANTIAL
ELECTRONIC, QUANTATRONIC AND NUCLEAR
ACTIVITY AT THE ASTEROID'S CENTRE.
"Send a robot drone in to investigate," said
Phoenix.
UNDERSTOOD.
The screen changed to the view as seen by the
drone's camera as it ported to a few feet from one tunnel
entrance. The asteroid's surface appeared red under the
light of its far away star. The black mouth of the tunnel
entrance gaped uninvitingly.
The pupils of all eyes watching the screen
contracted as the drone powered on its lights,
illuminating the first few yards of the tunnel's interior. A
grey shape appeared in the entrance before eyes had time
to refocus. A flash of emerald. The screen went black.
THE DRONE HAS BEEN DESTROYED,
CAPTAIN.
The graphic image of the asteroid re-appeared. A
red dot showed the drone's last position and a red cross
marked the offending tunnel.
SHOULD I DESTROY THE ASTEROID
207
GARY BAKER
CAPTAIN?
"Not yet Marshia," said Phoenix. "Are you safe
from that beam?"
YES, CAPTAIN.
"Replay the last second slowly."
UNDERSTOOD.
The scene replayed slowly on the screen.
"Pause!" said Phoenix as the grey shape was
illuminated.
"Some kind of small metallic craft," said Apricot,
squinting at the screen, "with what looks like two, or
maybe three, laser turrets."
"Yes," agreed Phoenix turning to Apricot. "You
don't suppose there's one of those things in every tunnel,
do you?"
"Unlikely, sir. Perhaps we just were unlucky?"
suggested Apricot.
"Got any spare largish empty boxes, Marshia?"
YES. PLENTY, CAPTAIN.
"Deploy six around the asteroid as if you were
sending in six drones," said Phoenix.
UNDERSTOOD.
The screen showed six blue dots appear around the
asteroid as the empty boxes where ported to separate
tunnel entrances. They quickly blinked out of existence
almost as fast as they had arrived.
"What happened?" asked Phoenix.
ALL SIX ITEMS WHERE PORTED
SIMULTANEOUSLY. THEY WERE
SYSTEMATICALLY DESTROYED TWO AT A TIME.
"What do you infer from that?" asked Phoenix.
208
THE ARDLY EFFECT
IT LOOKS AS THOUGH THERE ARE TWO
ENEMY MACHINES. THEY PORT TO EACH
LOCATION AND DESTROY THE TARGETS IN
TURN.
"Have two drones open fire as soon as they
materialise at an entrance," said Phoenix.
UNDERSTOOD.
The screen again showed the view fi^om one drone.
A stream of blue pulses disappeared into the mouth of the
tunnel almost before it came into view. An orange plume
erupted from the entrance. The scene rocked as the shock
wave passed over the drone.
BOTH DRONES SUCCESSFUL.
"Yes! " yelped Apricot excitedly punching the air
Phoenix remained calm. "Send in the drones,
please, Marshia."
UNDERSTOOD.
The screen split vertically showing the almost
identical views seen by both drones. Light flooded the
tunnels as the drones moved slowly inside.
A graphic in one comer of the screen showed more
and more of the interior structure of the asteroid as the
drones' scanners were able to pass data back to Marshia.
Each member of the control room crew watched
the screen intently. Nobody blinked. The air conditioning
hummed. Something electronic beeped mysteriously.
FAST MOVING CRAFT DETECTED.
Marshia's sudden announcement made everyone
jump-
On the graphics display, small, green dots appeared
in the tunnels heading towards the drones. Blue plasma
209
GARY BAKER
flashes showed on the drone screens as they opened fire.
Both screens showed a flat rotating arrowhead spitting
green beams dead ahead. They closed with the drones
almost too fast for the eye to follow. Both screens went
blank simultaneously as the drones succumbed to the
deadly laser barrage.
EIGHT MANNED FIGHTER CRAFT HAVE
BROKEN THE SURFACE.
The graphics screen showed eight green dots
emerge from around the sphere of the asteroid and race
away forming the corners of an expanding cube with the
asteroid at its centre. Twenty miles from the surface they
simultaneously broke their straight-line paths. Each craft
followed a great looping course towards Marshia. They
joined in perfect formation forming the outline of a great
octagonal coin. A craft at each corner. The coin's face
towards Marshia.
"Any threat, Marshia?" barked Phoenix.
NONE.
"Warn them off"
UNDERSTOOD.
There was a pause as everyone watched the screen
anxiously. The green dots did not veer from their course
towards Marshia.
"No good?" asked Phoenix.
MY RECOMMENDATIONS WERE IGNORED,
SIR.
"Put me on please, Marshia."
UNDERSTOOD.
"Gentlemen, or whatever forms you may be," said
Phoenix in a kindly manner, "the craft you are about to
210
THE ARDLY EFFECT
attack is, for all intents and purposes, the single most
powerful force you will ever have the misfortune to
encounter. Your lasers, ion-canons and nuclear warheads
will be as a light breeze tickling the flanks of the mighty
gargantuiguana." Phoenix chuckled lightly. "But
seriously, there is absolutely no need for this. So, please.
Turnback."
There was no response from the advancing
fighters.
Phoenix stood up. "Please. Don't make me do this,"
he said with concern in his voice. The craft kept going.
"Can they be disabled, Marshia?"
NOT WITHOUT DESTROYING THE CRAFT,
CAPTAIN. I MUST HOP BACK OR DEFEND
MYSELF IN FIFTEEN SECONDS CAPTAIN.
"Please break off! You are forcing us to defend
ourselves!" Phoenix pleaded with them.
TEN SECONDS.
"Break off your attack now!" shouted Phoenix.
The eight craft continued their advance. Phoenix
stood motionless.
CAPTAIN?
Time had run out.
"Destroy them!" said Phoenix bitterly.
UNDERSTOOD.
The eight green dots on the graphics display
disappeared.
Phoenix slumped down in his chair. "Idiots!" he
said.
"Had to be done, sir," said Apricot.
Phoenix looked sadly at Apricot for a moment.
211
GARY BAKER
Then he straightened with resolve. "Send in two more
drones, Marshia. "
UNDERSTOOD.
The two drones surveyed the maze of tunnels
moving slowly towards the centre of the asteroid. Mobile
mini-scanners were despatched to speed up the
reconnaissance as the armed drones advanced inwards.
At about five miles from the asteroid's centre,
spacesuited armed troops were encountered. Their hand
weapons were not powerful enough to disable the drones.
Phoenix sent numerous messages urging the troops
to give themselves up. But they refused and persistently
attacked the drones. The troopers did not stand a chance.
The crew of Battle Cruiser Marshia stood silent, listening
to the hideous sounds of the one-sided battle inside the
asteroid.
From the screams of the injured and sight of some
shattered bodies it could be seen that the troopers were
human. What made them throw themselves at the drones
was anyone's guess. Hundreds sacrificed themselves.
Giving their lives to an, as yet, unknown cause.
Phoenix ordered the casualties be shuttled out of
the asteroid and ported to the sick bay, which quickly
became overwhelmed by the number and severity of the
injuries. West volunteered his services, saying he had
some first aid experience which might come in useful. He
did not wait for Phoenix's approval and set off to the sick
bay at a run.
The drones came at last to the central portion of the
asteroid. Scanners showed it to be a large metallic sphere
almost a mile in diameter. Inside were estimated to be
212
THE ARDLY EFFECT
over one thousand people. A whole colony huddled in
fear of this powerful newcomer.
*
Phoenix ordered Apricot to take a squad of men in and
try to make contact with the colonists directly as they
would not respond to his or Marshia's communications.
Apricot and twenty heavily armed soldiers boarded
a shuttle, ported to an entrance to the asteroid and entered
the tunnel complex. With the knowledge gained from the
scanners and drones Marshia quickly piloted the shuttle
to the central structure.
"Good luck, gents," said Apricot to the men as they
stood ready to disembark. Apricot turned pointedly to one
of the heavily armed suited figures. "You stay with the
shuttle, Parker. "
The soldier standing next to the man Apricot had
addressed stiffened to attention and barked an affirmative
"Sir!"
Apricot frowned behind his own reflective battle
visor. "These damn suits make it very hard to figure out
who is who, " he thought.
Apricot turned and thumped a large, green button
and stood hand weapon at the ready as the shuttle door
hissed aside. "With me, gents," he said, jumping lightly
through the doorway. He crouched a few feet from the
shuttle, keeping watch as his men disembarked. He
motioned four men to keep watch and for the rest to
follow his lead.
With the shuttle, via Marshia, maintaining artificial
gravity Apricot and his men jogged towards a large, dull
metallic door set in the tunnel wall. The door was
213
GARY BAKER
formidably featureless save for a thumb sized green,
glowing button placed at chest height under a small
horizontal grill. The button was labelled "PUSH".
Apricot frowned at the huge, grey door for a while
before thinking that all this frowning would give him
wrinkles. He pressed the button which emitted a harsh
"buzz"!
Apricot and his men took a pace back, weapons
levelled at the entrance.
After a moment a small, male voice came through
the grill. "Yes?" it asked.
Apricot caught himself frowning again. He toyed
with "Surrender or die! " as a response. But he would feel
daft saying that.
"Take me to your leader? "No. Too corny. This was
a tricky one ... He became aware of the shuffling and
coughing of the squad of heavily armed and highly
trained, not to mention well rehearsed, killers behind him.
"Errmm ..." began Apricot, "I would like to talk to
someone in authority about the possibility of a truce and
maybe have a bit of a chat about all this unnecessary
killing and so forth."
"What?" squeaked the small voice. "You'll have to
stand closer to the speaker. I can't hear a word you're
saying."
Apricot move towards the grill and took a breath to
repeat himself
But he didn't get the first word out.
His world turned to hell.
*
THE ASTEROID IS TURNING, CAPTAIN.
214
THE ARDLY EFFECT
"What do you mean, Marshia?" Phoenix frowned.
IT WOULD APPEAR THE ASTEROID IS
MANOEUVRING, CAPTAIN.
"Extend a Gravitational clamp please, Marshia."
UNDERSTOOD.
"And get Apricot and his men out of there now!"
THAT IS PROVING DIFFICULT CAPTAIN.
Phoenix drew breath to tell Marshia to try harder
but swallowed the words, knowing she would be doing
all in her power to get the crew to safety. He watched the
screen intently as the asteroid started to tremble and
shake like a scared dog.
Phoenix could not keep the concern out of his
voice. "What's happening, Marshia?"
I AM HOLDING THE ASTEROID, CAPTAIN. IT
IS STILL TRYING TO MANOEUVRE AWAY.
"Message to the craft in the asteroid," said
Phoenix, standing and straightening his uniform.
UNDERSTOOD.
"This is Captain Phoenix of the S B C Marshia:
may I recommend you power down your engines while
we talk about this." In response, a chunk of the asteroid
covering an eighth of the southern hemisphere
fragmented and blew into space.
CAPTAIN!
The urgency in Marshia's voice shocked Phoenix
momentarily. "What?" he barked.
THE SCANNERS ARE REPORTING THAT THE
COLONISTS, MOSTLY FEMALES AND CHILDREN,
ARE MOVING TOWARDS ONE SIDE OF THE
INTERIOR SPHERICAL STRUCTURE. THE
215
GARY BAKER
STRUCTURE WOULD APPEAR TO BE THE CRAFT
ATTEMPTING TO ESCAPE THE GRAVITY CLAMR
"And?"
TWO SECTIONS OF WALL ARE SEALING OFF
THE CRAFT DIAGONALLY THROUGH ITS
CENTRE.
"What do you mean?"
IT WOULD APPEAR THAT THE CRAFT IS
SPLITTING INTO TWO HEMISPHERES.
"Get Apricot out of there!" shouted Phoenix. "GET
THEM ALL OUT!"
The unbelievable happened. One side of the
asteroid erupted, blasting rocky debris into space. Two
hemispheric craft, looking for all the world like a single
gigantic yo-yo, could be seen emerging from what was
left of the shattered asteroid. A large, round iris portal
opened in one hemisphere, venting its contents of over a
thousand people to space. Unrecognisable pieces of
machinery, furniture and corpses drifted after the other
hemisphere.
The second craft shook and shuddered as it tried
and failed to get away from Marshia's invisible embrace.
"Dear God!" said Phoenix sinking back into his
chair, unable to believe what the screen showed him.
The vented craft imploded, paused and
disintegrated explosively in nightmarish orange silence.
The remaining craft stopped shuddering.
Phoenix found he was counting his breathing. "...
five ... six ..."
INCOMING MESSAGE.
216
THE ARDLY EFFECT
Apricot barely registered what happened to him. His
weapon was torn from his grip and ripped from its
securing tether as his body was pounded, twisted and
hurled about.
A thought condensed inside his mind. Nametags.
We could sew nametags to the outside of these suits.
Then I'd know who was who. So simple.
Everything was black ...
Except for a little green bit off to the left.
A green light. A green light! The suit hadn't been
compromised!
Apricot's left leg hurt. A lot.
His right arm hurt. More.
He couldn't turn his head without the feeling that
someone was trying to sever his neck with the prongs of a
blunt pitchfork.
He realised he was weightless. Cart-wheeling
slowly.
"What was that? In the distance?" Apricot squinted
through his pain at a hazy, flickering white image.
"Marshia!" Apricot managed a smile. "I'm saved!"
The hazy shape slowly split like a shiny white
amoeba then reformed into the pin-sharp image of child's
doll wearing a nappy.
"My life was never such a cliche, was it? Didn 't I
make a diff.."
Apricot never finished the thought.
A pretty, white -orange, silent, sun-hot plume of
death rushed up from behind to engulf him.
What had been Apricot became untraceable.
It would be billions of years before any two of his
217
GARY BAKER
atoms ever met again.
Marshia's control room main screen suddenly cleared to
matt grey and then to a man's profile. His balding head
glistened in the lights as he bobbed and weaved about.
Never still for a moment.
"Now then," said an ofl'-pitch, off-hand voice that
could take the plaque off your teeth at a hundred yards,
"we seem to be in a bit of a pickle, don't we." The man
did not look at the camera, as was the usual protocol, but
rather continued to duck and dodge about. There was a
tapping noise in the background. Pik-kapok ... pik-kapok.
Insistent. Annoying.
Phoenix swallowed. Anger filled his brain. His
mind screamed, "KILL HIM, MARSHIA! KILL HIM!"
He counted three breaths.
"I am Captain Phoenix ..." yes, his voice sounded
calm enough, "of the SBC Marshia. To whom ..." The
tapping noise was most distracting. "... not bothering you
are we?" enquired Phoenix his voice seeping sarcasm.
"What? Oh. Sorry. Won't be a minute ..." The man
on the screen was getting out of breath. "Colin here is
damn good at this."
The camera zoomed back showing the man's
shoulders, which appeared to be encased in chrome.
More of the scene came into view. The man stood in the
centre of a large circular room. Along the walls were
small screens, dials and flashing lights attended by people
in bright red overalls. A green, square table separated the
man from a large cube of grey metal about eight feet
high. He was hitting a small, white ball with a short-
218
THE ARDLY EFFECT
handled, green bat, bouncing it off the table against the
cube.
As phoenix watched the bizarre scene, further
details became apparent. The man with the bat was
wearing a skin tight black body-suit. The body the suit
was skin tight over was that of a very well developed
young woman.
The large, grey cube bouncing back the small
white ball had a roughly hemispheric lump sticking out
of its top surface. The lump sported features which made
it into something ... Phoenix screwed up his eyes ... head-
like. Every now and then an area in the lower portion of
the head moved and a huge rumbling voice could be
heard saying, "Nice one," and "Nearly had me there," and
"Ooh, that was close!"
"Is it my imagination or does the wall of that cube
thing move where it hits the hall?" thought Phoenix.
Bev, who had been silently watching the
proceedings from the rear of the control room, moved
forward and leaned towards Phoenix. "That's Twip," he
hissed.
"Which one?" asked Phoenix.
"The one with the bat," said Bev. "The one with the
..." Bev held two apparently arthritic hands in front of his
chest.
Phoenix nodded. "So the other ... must be Colin,"
he said.
219
GARY BAKER
Chapter 20 : Loose
Phoenix leaned back and hissed over his shoulder, "I
thought this Django character was a man."
"He is," said Bev. "Or was, anyway. He seems to
have undergone substantial modifications."
"Substantial modifications?!" snorted Phoenix.
Marshia's voice sounded behind Phoenix's head.
He knew no one else could hear her.
I CAN'T LOCATE COMMANDER APRICOT OR
HIS TEAM.
Phoenix became still. His features turned to
horizontal lines. His brow, his lips, his chin, his eyes.
Lines.
... pik-kapok, pik-kapok, pik-kapok, pik-kapok ...
Marshia briefed Phoenix on the survivors. One
hundred and seventy-eight enemy casualties ported to
sick bay. She estimated fifteen hundred enemy deaths in
total.
Twenty-one crew either dead or unaccounted for
Phoenix barely registered the information. "Tell
everyone," he whispered.
UNDERSTOOD.
Phoenix felt a hollowness where his heart should
have been. He was dimly aware of Bev lowering his
head, of someone sobbing off to his left, of his failure ...
... pik-kapok, pik-kapok, pik-kapok, pik-kapok ...
Phoenix stared unblinkingly at the screen. This ...
thing ... playing in front of him was no human being.
Sacrificing so many to try to get away? Trying to create a
220
THE ARDLY EFFECT
diversion with people's lives? Deaths.
... pik-kapok, pik-kapok, pik-kapok, pik-kapok ...
Phoenix felt cold. He shivered involuntarily.
"Marshia?" he growled.
CAPTAIN?
"Destroy that damn ball."
YES, CAPTAIN.
... pik-kapok, pik ...
The small white ball heading back towards Twip
collapsed on itself. The pathetic crumpled shape fell to
the table, sliding off the edge to the floor.
Marshia was impressed. She had not been sure of
such control at the very limits of her senses.
Phoenix was impressed. He wasn't sure Marshia
had that amount of control.
Twip was obviously impressed too. He looked
from the former ball to Colin and back, nodding sagely.
He put the bat down on the table, placed his arms behind
his back, pushed out his breasts and faced the camera.
"How can I be of assistance?" asked Twip amiably.
"You are Django Twip?" demanded Phoenix
coldly.
"Some of me," replied Twip. "And who, pray tell,
wants to know?"
"I am Captain Phoe ..." started Phoenix.
A voice rumbled through the air cutting him off
mid sentence. "Captain Phoenix of the SBC Marshia."
"Thank you, Colin," said Twip.
"My pleasure, sir," rumbled Colin.
Phoenix looked puzzled. "... 'Some of me'... ?" he
asked.
221
GARY BAKER
Twip made his lips imitate a thin smile.
Bev stepped forward holding up an index finger.
"Might I interject, Mr Twip," he said. Phoenix noticed an
uncharacteristic catch in Bev's voice. Bev's finger
trembled slightly as he said, "We are emissaries of Earth,
Horridoa and Edenia, and are here to ascertain the
validity of your identity."
"I'm sure my identity is as valid as the next man's,"
said Twip with a smirk.
Bev ignored him. "Should you indeed turn out to
be Django Twip, which you clearly are, you will be
returned to Earth for trial, sentencing and punishment. "
"How clearly am I?" asked Twip.
"How clearly are you what?" asked Bev.
"How clearly am I Django Twip?"
"Exceptionally clearly," said Bev.
"You think I am Django Twip?"
"I know you are Django Twip."
"How?"
Bev flushed. "I recognise you, of course," he said.
"I must say." Twip leaned forward, squinting
mockingly at the camera. "You look a little familiar
yourself "
Colin's voice rumbled through the control room.
"He is your brother, Bev, sir," it said.
"Thank you, Colin," said Twip.
"My pleasure, sir," rumbled Colin.
"But I was aware of that already," continued Twip.
An uneasy silence filled the control room, broken
suddenly by Vick striding in with Summer in hot pursuit.
"What in God's name ..." Vick's voice trailed off
222
THE ARDLY EFFECT
"Ah," said Twip with a friendly smile, "brother
Vick. And how are you, you obnoxious little turd?"
Vick ignored the insult. "What on Earth have you
done to yourself?" he asked, gaping at his long-lost
brother.
"Done to myself?" Twip look puzzled for a
moment. "Oh," he said, "you mean this." He looked down
at his body. "Nice, don't you think?" he said, giving his
ample bosoms a gentle heave. "Sadly, though, the novelty
has worn off somewhat."
"But why?" asked Vick incredulously. "Why do
that to yourself?"
"Bit of a cock-up on the old transporter front. You
know how it is."
"No," said Vick, wanting an explanation, "I don't."
"A damn transporter failed," said Twip airily. "Left
me with a foot missing. Young missy here was the best
table tennis player and had the best pair of tits on board.
So ..." Twip paused, turning to Colin. "How's it going?"
he asked his cubic companion.
Bev took a step forward. "What are you up to?" he
demanded.
"Just seeing about the damage report, brother
dearest," said Twip. "Don't fret now. I'm not at all cross
you spoiled my little game."
"What game?" asked Vick.
"He was playing table tennis," volunteered
Phoenix.
Twip snorted derisively. "Not that game. Captain.
The Big Game. My empire here. The one I've spent so
long building. I'm not cross. Not at all. Wouldn't dream
223
GARY BAKER
..." Twip's voice rose to a scream, "... OF WREAKING
REVENGE ON YOU INSIGNIFICANT LITTLE
SHITS!"
"GRAB HIM!" shouted Vick as the screen turned
to slate grey. The control room lights flickered and sparks
flew from two of the consoles.
"Marshia?" Phoenix asked the air.
ONE MOMENT CAPTAIN.
"Marshia, what's wrong?" demanded Phoenix.
I HAVE BEEN ENCASED IN AN ULTRA-HIGH
FREQUENCY FIELD, CAPTAIN. I AM
MOMENTARILY BLINDED.
The screen snapped back to show a scene of
devastation. Bits of dust and chunks of asteroid drifted
about.
Twip's ship, however, was gone.
Chapter 21 : Limpets
"Any trace of Twip's ship, Marshia?"
NONE, CAPTAIN.
"Damn!"
I'M SORRY, CAPTAIN.
Phoenix waved a hand dismissively. "Not your
fault," he said at last.
I FAILED TO TAKE ACCOUNT OF THE
OBVIOUS.
224
THE ARDLY EFFECT
"If anyone should be blamed for failing," said Bev,
"it should be me."
"And me," said Vick.
"You never mentioned Twip was your brother,"
said Summer, including Bev and Vick in her gaze.
"Half brother," said Bev. "Same father. Different
mothers."
"More like a twentieth ... now," added Vick.
The control room fell silent. Phoenix was the first
to speak. "Keep scanning for survivors or anything else
that can give us a clue to Twip's whereabouts please,
Marshia."
YES, CAPTAIN.
"We need some suggestions," said Phoenix to the
room in general. "And I suppose I'll need a new ..." Crew
members looked at their shoes. "Later perhaps," said
Phoenix.
"May I suggest," said Kurt, "that after Marshia has
finished a thorough scan and initiated any repairs that
may be necessary we head back to USO City on Lodsa
and see if Twip has made contact with Urquat Pykes."
"Damage report please, Marshia," said Phoenix.
MODERATE QUANTA-ELECTRONIC CIRCUIT
DAMAGE, CAPTAIN.
"Estimated time for repair?"
APPROXIMATELY FIVE HOURS, CAPTAIN.
Phoenix moved towards the control room door "I'll
be in my cabin," he said.
*
West stood in front of the full-length mirror in his cabin.
He hardly recognised what he saw. A dishevelled, bloody,
225
GARY BAKER
hollow-eyed man stared back at him.
He stumbled to his bed and sat down. His thoughts,
a whirl of confused numbing images, began slowly to
coalesce.
"Humans," thought West dispassionately.
"Creatures ... Why do they do these things to each
other?"
Something crouched below his consciousness.
Something allied knotted his stomach. His heart felt
clutched in an ice-fingered grip. A surging black torrent
of emotion vomited up through West's throat and out
through his mouth and eyes. His body writhed like a
puking cat as the wail started deep from within him. He
stood and bellowed helplessly at the ceiling, emitting a
single long-drawn-out word. "WHY!"
When, at last, every molecule of air had been
expelled from his lungs he collapsed back onto his bed
sobbing uncontrollably into his hands.
Ten seconds passed.
MISTER WEST?
The softness of Marshia's voice made no impact on
West.
Chaos ruled in his mind. The chaos of blood-
splattered images, splintered limbs, blood, heads oozing
brain, blood, entrails, screaming, gaping mouths, clawing
bloodied hands, blood.
His open mouth gasped and sobbed. His open eyes
flooded and saw only carnage. "No control" West felt the
pit of madness opening ...
MISTER WEST?
"Stop. I can think. I can't stop crying but I can
226
THE ARDLY EFFECT
think. That's OK."
MISTER WEST?
"It's ... OK ... Marshia," West managed to gasp.
"I'm OK ...Really."
The racking sobs started to subside.
"Water please, Marshia."
UNDERSTOOD.
*
Phoenix approached his washbasin determined to brush
his teeth, as if purging his mouth with minty freshness
would in some way help get rid of the images of death
and mayhem.
A MESSAGE FROM SERGEANTS GEORGE
AND ARTHUR, CAPTAIN.
"A message?" asked Phoenix testily. "What are
those two up to? Never mind, what's the message?"
MESSAGE READS: HELP END MESSAGE.
"What?" Phoenix frowned.
MESSAGE READS: HELP END MESSAGE.
"Yes, yes, I get the message but where are they?
Why do they need help?"
ONE MOMENT CAPTAIN.
Phoenix pulled the Osmondo's-Paste-Tremble-n-
Squirt Dental Cleanser from its holster and looked at
himself in the mirror
"Bags under my eyes like scrotal sacks," he said,
lifting his chin to get a better look up his nostrils.
MESSAGE READS: WE HAVE A SITUATION
OF THE PROBLEM PERSUASION, SIR. END
MESSAGE.
Phoenix sighed. He had almost forgotten about his
227
GARY BAKER
two ex-prisoners. "Ask them what the problem is please,
Marshia."
Phoenix, with some difficulty, studied his left ear
in the mirror. "Another one of God's little jokes, " he
thought. "Take the hair from your head and make it
sprout out of your ears" Phoenix realised something. "Yet
another of God's little jokes; that high velocity three pin
plug that killed Vick Of course. It came from ..." He
suddenly realised something else.
"Marshia?" he said. "Why the delay in
communications? Why can't I talk to them direct?"
THEY ARE COMMUNICATING OVER SUB-
QUANTRONIC VTTO LINK, CAPTAIN. VOICE TO
TEXT, TEXT AT TWENTY CHARACTERS PER
SECOND. I AM RELAYING THE TEXT TO YOU.
"Any particular reason they're using such a slow
method?" Phoenix's mood was deepening. "Stupidity?
Embarrassment? Bloody-mindedness? ..."
SECURITY, CAPTAIN.
"Security?"
YES, CAPTAIN.
"Where the hell are they?"
ONE MOMENT, CAPTAIN.
Phoenix shuffled from foot to foot, impatiently
looking at the ceiling. In his mind he was looking at
Marshia. She was always above him somewhere.
MESSAGE READS: WE GOT STUCK WHEN
THE FIEND HAD IT ON HIS TOES, SIR. END
MESSAGE.
"Fiend?"
I THINK HE IS REFERRING TO DJANGO
228
THE ARDLY EFFECT
TWIP, CAPTAIN.
"Stuck?"
MESSAGE READS: WE WERE CARRYING
OUT OUR DUTIES OF THE ORDERS PERSUASION,
SIR. END MESSAGE.
"What are they on about, Marshia?"
IT SEEMS THEY HAD ORDERS TO CLAMP
LIMPET SCANNERS TO TWIP'S VESSEL, CAPTAIN.
"Not from me they didn't." Probably Apricot. "So
what happened?"
THEY ARE ABOARD SHUTTLE M90I. ITS
COMPUTERS REPORT SOME HULL AND
THRUSTER DAMAGE RESULTING FROM
INERTIAL FIELD FAILURE. THIS OCCURRED
WHEN THE VESSEL THEY WERE CLAMPED TO
ACCELERATED TO NINETY PER CENT LIGHT
SPEED PRIOR TO A HYPERSPACE JUMR THE
SHUTTLE IS STILL ATTACHED TO DJANGO TWIP'S
VESSEL BUT CANNOT MANOEUVRE AWAY.
"Can you pinpoint their location, Marshia?" asked
Phoenix excitedly.
YES, CAPTAIN. AS LONG AS THE SHUTTLE
REMAINS OPERATIONAL. ONE MOMENT PLEASE.
Phoenix slotted the Osmondo's-Paste-Tremble-n-
Squirt Dental Cleanser back into its holster triumphantly.
"Message to all crew, Marshia," he said. "We have
located Twip's vessel. All repairs are to be done in
double-quick time. We depart as soon as ready. Message
ends."
UNDERSTOOD.
Phoenix clapped his hands together with glee.
229
GARY BAKER
MESSAGE FROM THE SERGEANTS,
CAPTAIN: WE HAVE BEEN CLOCKED, SIR. END
MESSAGE. I HAVE THE DATA ON THE LIMPET
SCANNERS, CAPTAIN. SO IF THE LIMPETS OR
THE SHUTTLE SURVIVE I WILL BE ABLE TO
MONITOR THEIR POSITION.
"Excellent, Marshia. Thank you." Phoenix headed
out of his cabin back to the control room.
THEY MAY HAVE BEEN CAPTURED,
CAPTAIN.
Phoenix sighed. "That's what they seem to be best
at, Marshia."
Chapter 22 : Caught - again
Sergeant Arthur stood up from the small
communications terminal and pointed one ear diagonally
upwards. "Judging from those banging noises of the
rather loud and dangerous persuasion," he said, "I reckon,
not only has our presence been detected, but the vile
enemy without is very keen on becoming the vile enemy
within."
"I concur, brother," agreed Sergeant George. He
was seated in the right pilot position searching for
something under the control panel. "Ah ha! Gotcha."
Sergeant George pulled out a small, multi-coloured box
and held it aloft triumphantly.
230
THE ARDLY EFFECT
Outside, two major forces were acting on the
shuttle. The first was a concerted efi'ort by some of
Django Twip's men to destroy the shuttle by leaning out
of portals and shooting at it with lasers and ion beams.
The second was the wind.
Django Twip's ship was approaching light speed
and the vacuum of space contained enough atoms at that
speed to act like the atmosphere on a craft during re-
entry. Not all of the shuttle clinging to the side of Twip's
ship was protected by the shield-fields projected some ten
feet from the main ship's hull.
A noise like a steel girder being torn lengthways by
a giant, iron gorilla paralysed the pair inside
momentarily.
"Sherbet!" exclaimed Sergeant Arthur "Sounds
like this here shuttle has had its chips."
"Typical!" Sergeant Arthur looked dejectedly at the
box in his hand. "Just when I've located the blasted tea-
bags."
"Let's port the hell out of here."
"Agreed, brother."
Their world went pop as the shuttle disintegrated
around them.
Sergeant George looked anxiously up and down
the unfamiliar corridor materialising around them. The
flashing, red lights gave him a headache. He listened for
a moment to a distant "aawoogaagh, aawoogaagh" and
came to a conclusion. "Brother," he said, "we need a
plan."
"Have you seen the view?" Sergeant Arthur stood
transfixed.
231
GARY BAKER
"View?"
"Yes. Just take a butchers at that."
"Yes, brother. I see what you mean."
Django Twip's vessel had real windows. See-
through ovals which actually let in the light instead of
displaying a holographic image of the scene outside.
Both men stood mesmerized by the streaming red,
orange and yellow light-show which no holoscreen could
hope to mimic.
"Like fire but with no flames," mused Sergeant
Arthur "I've seen it before. A long time ago. We must be
very close to light speed. About ready to jump, I
shouldn't wonder."
"It's the Ardly effect, brother," offered Sergeant
George.
"The Ardly effect?"
"Yes, the Ardly effect."
The sergeants watched in awe for a full minute.
Sergeant Arthur frowned. "What's the Ardly
effect?" he asked.
"It's so weird you can 'ardly take your eyes off it,"
replied Sergeant George.
Django Twip's voice, like a cheap knife scraping a
cheaper plate, came over the Tannoy. "A QUIP WITH A
CERTAIN ANTIQUE CHARM," he said airily, forcing
both men to clench their buttocks involuntarily. "AN
ATTEMPT AT HUMOUR UNDER STRESSFUL
CIRCUMSTANCES. MOST COMMENDABLE."
"I think we've been clocked again," hissed
Sergeant Arthur.
"I'd go with that summary, brother," Sergeant
232
THE ARDLY EFFECT
George hissed back. "Now let's scarper."
"BEFORE YOU TWO GO SCOOTING OFF ..."
Both men stopped mid-turn. "ALLOW ME TO
WELCOME YOU ABOARD AND UMMM ... WOULD
YOU MIND IF I ASKED ONE OR TWO
QUESTIONS?"
The sergeants looked at each other silently for two
point three seconds. Then Sergeant Arthur rubbed his
hands nervously over his trouser pockets and stepped
forward unnecessarily.
"Ahem." Sergeant Arthur did not clear his throat he
said "Ahem". "I'm sure one or two questions, of the non-
classified persuasion, would be acceptable, sir. How can I
... we ... be of assistance?"
"WELL THERE ARE FOUR THINGS, REALLY:
A, WHO ARE YOU? B, WHERE DO YOU COME
FROM? C, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? AND D,
HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO GET ON BOARD?"
"A; I am Sergeant Arthur Puree and this is my
brother Sergeant George Puree."
"Sir!" Sergeant George came smartly to attention.
"B; I'm from New Barton; as is my brother."
"We're twins," said Sergeant George, wanting to
contribute more than just "sir".
"C; we are attempting to avoid direct contact with
persons of the enemy persuasion. Present company
excepted, of course. And D; ..." Sergeant Arthur frowned
and pursed his lips.
"How did we get on board?" hissed Sergeant
George helpfully.
"Oh, yes. We sort of umm ... sneaked on board.
GARY BAKER
begging your forgiveness, sir. "
"SNEAKED."
"Yes, sir."
"AVOID CAPTURE."
"Yes, sir."
"SOMEWHERE I'VE NEVER HEARD OF."
"Sir."
"AND ...NAMES."
"Yes, sir."
"THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN. I THINK IVE
KEPT YOU LONG ENOUGH."
"No problem, sir." Said Sergeant Arthur "If you'll
excuse us, sir ..."
The sergeants made to move off but stopped in
their tracks as an eight foot cube of dull metal on castors
trundled along the corridor towards them.
"I'll take it from here, sir," rumbled Colin.
Sergeant George stepped forward as Colin rolled to
a halt. The sergeant thrust out his chest in defiance and
wagged a finger at Colin. "I don't think you realise just
..." His warning was rudely interrupted by high velocity
TASER prongs, fired by Colin, embedding themselves in
his defiantly out-thrust chest.
Sergeant George dropped, twitching, to the floor.
Sergeant Arthur's instinctive reaction to stoop and
help his stricken brother was similarly rudely interrupted
by an identical set of TASER prongs also fired by Colin.
"How interesting," rumbled Colin to no one in
particular as he watched the dancing duo impassively
through slits in his hemispheric head. "Synchronised
spasms." After a few seconds the TASERS finished
234
THE ARDLY EFFECT
discharging and the pair sank into unconsciousness.
*
Sergeant Arthur's first thought was that he had a weird,
metallic taste in his mouth. Zinc? Tin?
Sergeant Arthur's second thought was a memory; a
memory of excruciating pain. But he felt good right now.
He was lying on something cold, hard and
uncomfortable, but he felt surprisingly chipper,
considering the memory of that horrible pain.
"Do not move, " said a familiar voice in his head.
"Do not open your eyes or in any way indicate your
conscious state. "
"Is that you, Mr Bev?" thought Sergeant Arthur.
"Yes, indeed it is," came back the reply. "Good to
have you hack. Sergeant George still seems to he
unconscious hut don't worry, we're monitoring the
situation very closely. "
"What happened, Mr Bev, sir?" Sergeant Arthur
mentally prodded his body. "Everything seems to he in
working order hut, I can rememher, something didn't half
hurt a lot. "
"We're not sure," thought Bev. "Your MAIDs
appear to have heen working extremely hard on nerve
damage repair and communicating a dire need for
assistance. You seem to have heen suhjected to some
traumatic, electrically related incident. "
"Yes, " thought Sergeant Arthur. "That hig, square,
rohot thing zapped me, Mr Bev, sir, with something of a
very powerful electrical persuasion. "
"That would explain it, " came back the thought
from Bev. "MAIDs don't react well to large electrical
235
GARY BAKER
charges. "
"Hi." Kurt's voice came into Sergeant Arthur's
mind. "It's me; Doctor Naize. Everything Ok? My
communication MAIDs are insisting I contact you. "
"Well, hello Doctor Naize," thought Bev. "Bev
here. Interesting you should get the distress calls as well
as Vick and myself. "
"Yes, " thought Kurt. "What's going on?"
"Well, there was this pain of the excruciating
persuasion ..."began Sergeant Arthur.
"It would appear. Doctor Naize, " interrupted Bev,
"that you have achieved a rare bonding state with your
MAIDs; a state which has made you sensitive to even the
faintest communication. It took Vick and myself many
years to achieve this most edifying of conditions. "
"Yes, " thought Kurt thoughtfully, "/ actually picked
up on Sergeant George first. He seems to he unconscious
still. And am I right in thinking the Sergeants are actually
on Twip's ship?"
"Yes, " confirmed Sergeants Arthur " We ported on
hoard just hefore I got zapped hy ..."
"Doctor Naize, " interrupted Bev, "We really must,
and I'm sure Vick will agree, set some time aside to study
this interesting development. The level of sensitivity of
your MAIDs is quite remarkahle given the relatively
modest insertion time. "
"I'm not sure if I'm interpreting things correctly,"
thought Kurt, "hut am I right in thinking Twip's ship is
coasting at just helow light speed?"
"Yes ..." started Sergeant Arthur, who was
interrupted once more by Bev.
236
THE ARDLY EFFECT
"Exactly, Doctor!" thought Bev excitedly. "What
you have achieved here is nothing short of miraculous
given the temporal problems associated with near light
speed travel and General Relativity. "
"Temporal problems?" asked Sergeant Arthur.
Despite desperately wanting to share his experiences,
curiosity got the better him.
"Yes," explained Kurt, thinking very quickly,
"when I first became aware of Sergeant George's
predicament, Marshia was, for all intents and purposes,
standing still. So, I was hurtling through time at almost
light speed. " If it is possible to take a breath while
communicating using thoughts, Bev did so. "In the
meantime Twip's ship was hurtling through time at about
five per cent of light speed while hurtling through space
at ninety five per cent of light speed. Yet somehow, the
MAIDs have managed to maintain communication
between us without any apparent difficulty. Add to that,
Marshia has just told me, she is now pacing Twip 's ship,
matching its speed exactly. Again seamless transition
from the communication MAIDs. Remarkable. "
There was a pause as Bev and Kurt mulled over
these details. Sergeant Arthur tried to scratch his back
without actually moving.
"Can I move yet? " thought Sergeant Arthur at last.
"I'm not certain, " thought Bev.
YOU APPEAR TO BE IN A LARGE HOLDING
CELL OF SOME KIND.
"Marshia?" said Sergeant Arthur out loud, opening
his eyes.
YES, SERGEANT I'M HERE.
237
GARY BAKER
"Not any more," rumbled a nearby voice startling
Sergeant Arthur. "You can call me Colin."
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
"I know," said Sergeant Arthur sitting up and
focusing his eyes in the direction of the rumbling
newcomer.
"Remarkable, " thought Kurt. "Sound and vision. "
"Have we met before?" rumbled Colin.
Multiple conversations were taxing Sergeant
Arthur to his limit. "How would I know, mate?" he asked,
adding unnecessarily to the confusion. He was talking to
something that reminded him of a large, standard issue
filing cabinet. A movement caught his eye and he noticed
Sergeant George stirring on the floor at his feet. "And
what have you done to my brother, you big ... grey ...
cube, you."
A voice like nails on a blackboard came over the
Tannoy. "I'D SHOW A LITTLE MORE RESPECT IF I
WERE YOU."
"The prisoners are awake," rumbled Colin.
"COLIN HERE HAS QUITE AN ARSENAL AT
HIS ..." began Django Twip. "YES, I KNOW THEY'RE
AWAKE," he continued crossly.
"That's Django, " thought Bev.
"I thought as much," said Sergeant Arthur.
There was an almost unanimous puzzled silence.
"I've lost sound. " Kurt's thought flitted across
space and time settling gently in Bev's, Sergeant Arthur's
and Sergeant George's minds like a cabbage white
butterfly alighting atop a cucumber sandwich.
"Who said that?" demanded Sergeant George from
238
THE ARDLY EFFECT
the floor.
"Ah, back on again. "
"Oh, it's you, governor," said Sergeant George.
"NO MORE BABBLING," said Django Twip over
the Tannoy. "TORTURE THEM UNTIL THEY TELL
YOU EVERYTHING, WOULD YOU COLIN? THERE'S
A GOOD CHAR"
The two sergeants popped out of existence before
Colin's castors had made a tenth of a revolution towards
them.
Colin contrived unsuccessfully to turn his blank,
hemispheric forehead into a frown of puzzlement.
The sudden, popping, re -emergence of the two
sergeants, as if tossed backwards through an invisible
saloon door, caused Colin's imperceptible frown to
deepen imperceptibly further
"Bollocks and more!" exclaimed a supine Sergeant
Arthur with some irritation. "We never had problems of
this persuasion back on Edenia!"
"I concur, brother," agreed a similarly supine
Sergeant George. "Might I suggest we temporarily
abandon ideas of a reunion with Marshia and pop to less
populated positions aboard this particular vessel?"
"Well put," said Sergeant Arthur as the pair, once
again, popped out of existence.
"They've gone," rumbled Colin after a moment's
fruitless consideration of the situation.
"YES." Django Twip's voice came thoughtfully
over the Tannoy. "I ASSUMED AS MUCH."
Colin spun round on his castors making sure the
two insurgents were not behind him.
239
GARY BAKER
Django Twip sat thoughtfully at his large, white
desk. The desk was completely empty apart from the
Tannoy unit over whose recently released switch hung
Django Twip's long, manicured, feminine finger.
"Edenia ..." he murmured quietly to himself
*
In Marshia's control room. Captain Phoenix addressed the
crew. Doctors Naize and Naize, Bev and Vick. "I'm
looking for suggestions," he began. "I would dearly love
to have Marshia blow this Django Twip's vessel into the
next universe but, a, there are hundreds of what must be
assumed to be innocent crew members on board, b, our
two intrepid sergeants, unable to port back to us, seem to
have got themselves stuck in what can only be described
as a broom-cupboard and c ... What is that annoying
beeping sound?"
Phoenix turned irritably to his right, expecting
Apricot to proffer some lame explanation.
But, he wasn't there.
Captain Phoenix looked over to a perspiring young
woman at the auxiliary communications console.
"Sprigs?"
"Sir?" She flushed and stood to attention.
"Any ideas?"
"About the beeping noise, sir?"
"That, and the ... situation."
"Well, sir." Sprigs' flush deepened attractively.
"According to my auxiliary communications consol, sir,
the umm ..." Phoenix and the rest of the crew waited
patiently as Sprigs fought with her nerves. "The umm ...
smoke detector needs new batteries, sir. Not unlike ... the
240
THE ARDLY EFFECT
umm ..." Sprigs gestured over her shoulder with her
thumb, her nerves rendering her momentarily speechless.
Summer was there first. "Twip is low on power?"
"Yes, sir ... ma'am," answered Sprigs. "My
auxihary communications console ... umm ... says so, sir
... ma'am."
"What does that mean in the short term?" asked
Phoenix.
"According to my auxiliary communications
console, sir ... umm ...", said Sprigs, "Twip ... will either
have to piss or get off the pot. Sir"
Captain Phoenix looked confused. "Meaning?" he
demanded.
"I think, what officer Sprigs means," volunteered
Summer, "is that Twip will have to either drop out of
light speed very soon or make his jump."
"Jump?" Concern raised Phoenix's voice an octave.
"Can we follow him in a jump, Marshia?"
THE VESSEL IS VENTING PLASMA,
CAPTAIN.
Phoenix was none the wiser "And?"
THE VESSEL IS PREPARING TO JUMP,
CAPTAIN.
"Does that mean you can follow him?"
NO, CAPTAIN.
"Damn! " Phoenix punched his hand with his fist.
WE WILL ARRIVE FIRST, CAPTAIN.
"Oh," said Phoenix, as his brain tried to achieve
the simultaneous state of being moderately pleased and
totally confused. After a few moments it gave up and
opted for constructive anger instead.
241
GARY BAKER
"Right!" said Phoenix. "Sprigs?"
"Sir!"
"Change the battery in that damn smoke detector
now!"
"Yes, sir" Sprigs saluted then chastised herself
under her breath for unnecessary saluting.
"Marshia?"
CAPTAIN?
"Prepare to track and detain that vessel. Have
armed personnel ready to board and take control. And ...
tell Parker he's been promoted. He's to take over
Commander Apricot's duties until further notice."
UNDERSTOOD, CAPTAIN.
"Probably wise to communicate our intentions to
Sergeant Arthur and George," suggested Kurt.
"Yes," agreed Captain Phoenix. "Some of the - and
I use the word in its loosest sense - intelligence acquired
by the sergeants may come in useful."
Chapter 23 : A near Earth
experience
Captain Phoenix took his seat in the control room. He
considered reworking his "bom to do this" speech he felt
good leaders would give at times like this, but his
thoughts were interrupted by Marshia.
I HAVE THE DESTINATION CO-ORDINATES
242
THE ARDLY EFFECT
FOR THE TARGET VESSEL, CAPTAIN.
Before Phoenix could digest this information,
Sprigs piped up, "According to my auxihary
communications console, sir, Twip's ship has made a
jump, sir."
"SoMarshia..."
YES, CAPTAIN.
"How do you intend to get to wherever Twip's
going before him? Time travel?"
THAT WILL NOT BE NECESSARY ON THIS
OCCASION, CAPTAIN.
"It won't?"
NO, CAPTAIN. WE ARE ALREADY AT OUR
DESTINATION. THE TARGET VESSEL WILL BE
ARRIVING WITHIN CAPTURE RANGE IN FIFTEEN
SECONDS.
"I thought all jumps were instantaneous," said
Phoenix.
INSTANTANEOUS WITH RESPECT TO WHAT
CAPTAIN?
"With respect to ..." began Phoenix. "I don't know.
So you're saying we're just quicker than him. Is that it?"
QUICKER WITH RESPECT TO WHAT,
CAPTAIN?
"Quicker with respect to ..." Phoenix was
beginning to feel uncomfortable knowing the
conversation had galloped away from him at full tilt and
was already cresting the brow of Going-Nowhere Hill.
"... with respect to whoever gets there first!"
YOU MAY CARE TO CONTINUE THIS
CONVERSATION AT A LATER DATE, CAPTAIN.
243
GARY BAKER
There was a smirk in Marshia's tone. Phoenix was
positive Marshia was laughing at him!
THE VESSEL IS CLAMPED AND I AM
PORTING SECURITY PERSONNEL ABOARD NOW.
"Overlay Parker's video feed on the main screen,
please Marshia," barked Phoenix.
UNDERSTOOD, CAPTAIN.
*
Parker and six other heavily armed troopers materialised
in a dingy corridor aboard Twip's ship. Parker advanced,
assault rifle first, towards a narrow door. The ship gave a
shudder around them. Placing the side of his helmeted
head against the door, he listened intently to muffled
voices inside.
"My own favourite was Captain Amazing," one
voice was saying. "More ... human ... than the other
heroes. Definitely of a more sensitive persuasion."
"I know what you mean, brother," said another
voice. "But, the artwork for The Green Desk Light
always held a strange fascination for me."
"I'll bet," said the first voice. "If I remember
correctly. The Green Desk Light's girlfriend was
definitely of the more well blessed persuasion. And those
artists certainly knew how to draw ..."
Parker grabbed the handle, quickly swinging the
door open.
Sergeant Arthur and Sergeant George, crammed
together chest to chest, looked down the barrels of seven
assault rifles.
"Gentlemen." Parker stood back lowering his
weapon and inviting the sergeants to join him.
244
THE ARDLY EFFECT
A small avalanche of tools, buckets and cleaning
materials followed the two sergeants as they extricated
themselves from the confines of the cupboard.
"OK," said Parker. "Which way to the control
room? Can we expect any problems on the way?"
"Sorry, comrade," apologised Sergeant George.
"Not a clue."
The two sergeants popped out of existence as
Marshia's reassuring voice arrived in the trooper's ear
pieces.
FOLLOW THE ARROWS IN YOUR HEADS UP
DISPLAY, COMMANDER.
"Follow me, men," commanded Parker. "Stay
alert."
The ship shuddered again around them as Parker
led the troops along dimly lit corridors arriving at last in
front of a heavily studded dark green door.
IT IS SAFE TO ENTER, COMMANDER.
It took most of Parker's considerable strength to
pull back the door. Inside was initially dark but, as Parker
stepped over the threshold, ceiling lights flicked on. The
huge room was filled with table tennis tables. Hundreds
of them. Stretching into the distance. Row on row of
table tennis tables. A sea of them. An ocean of them. A
jamboree of tables.
But, no nets.
The troopers looked around uncertain what to do
next.
Parker's display was blank. "What now, Marshia?"
he asked.
BACK OUT THE DOOR. TURN LEFT THE
245
GARY BAKER
ARROW WILL REAPPEAR IN YOUR HEADS UP
DISPLAY.
"What about these tables?" asked Parker.
ALL THESE TABLES AND NO NETS,
COMMANDER?
"Yes?"
INTERESTING.
"OK. Thanks for that Marshia," Parker said for the
troop's benefit. Hoping they would think something
important had been disclosed to him alone and not that
the AI, upon whom their lives depended, had not just had
a weird moment it wished to "share" with them.
"Follow me, men," commanded Parker heading for
the corridor "Stay alert."
The arrow led the troops - the ship shuddering
around them occasionally - through a maze of corridors
to a T junction.
YOU WILL BE VISIBLE ON THE LEFT BY
SEVENTEEN ENEMY PERSONNEL WHEN YOU
ROUND THIS CORNER, COMMANDER.
"What support can you give us, Marshia?"
breathed Parker.
ONLY INTELLIGENCE AT THE MOMENT,
COMMANDER. ROTATING HIGH FREQUENCY
DEFENCE SHIELDS MAKE ACTIVE
PARTICIPATION TOO UNPREDICTABLE.
"Three to one odds," thought Parker. "No
problem. "
He punched the air with his fist motioning the
troopers behind to advance to the left and spread out.
Parker's heart beat heavily in his throat, his
246
THE ARDLY EFFECT
eyebrows grew tense, nerves sang as he ran forward and
left, keeping low. "God, I love this," he thought.
The corridor opened into a large round room.
Along the wall, figures in red overalls stood facing
screens and consoles. Fully engrossed in their activities,
even the figures a few yards from Parker and the six
heavily armed troopers failed to notice the uninvited
guests. Apart from the sounds of fingers frantically
tapping on keyboards, along with a strangely familiar
beeping noise, everything was eerily quiet. In the centre
of the room a large, grey, dull metallic cube revolved
slowly.
"FREEZE!" bellowed Parker. "Nobody move! If
you want to live, stay exactly where you are! "
"Why is it," thought Parker, "that every time you
shout freeze or die at someone they turn round and look
at you?"
The grey cube rumbled something incoherent
while spinning to face the source of the demand. The red
overalled figures did the exact opposite of Parker's
recommendations and sprang forward to form a human
shield protecting the cube. Impenetrably black visors
reflected Parker's own image back to him. They were all
unarmed, each figure assuming the readiness stance of a
different self-defence discipline.
It crossed Parker's mind that it looked like there
had been a major misunderstanding and that they were, in
fact, playing "Freeze". A playground game where players
assume daft poses and exchange places with the
"Freezer".
Anyway ...
247
GARY BAKER
Parker adopted a casual stance, lowered his
weapon and lifted his own visor so they could see his
eyes.
"Gentlemen," he began, "and possibly, ladies?"
No response.
"And not forgetting," Parker looked over at the
large grey cube which, now that he looked properly,
appeared to have some kind of domed head with eyes and
a mouth, "you? Sir?"
The domed head spun round checking to see if
Parker was talking to someone behind him.
"Me?" rumbled Colin.
"Yes," continued Parker, "we need to work this out
quickly because - well obviously ..." Parker gestured to
the heavily armed troops beside him.
"Obviously what?" rumbled Colin.
"Well, obviously my heavily armed, highly trained,
disciplined and lethal comrades here will cut you and
your - if I may say, rather shaky - companions to pieces."
Parker indicated one red overalled individual who was
having some difficulty maintaining his chosen position of
standing on his left leg while pointing his right toe and
both index fingers at the ceiling.
"That is where you would be wrong. On two
counts," rumbled Colin.
"No time to chat." Parker's tone was unmistakable.
"On your KNEES! Hands on HEADS! NOW!"
No one moved.
Parker levelled his weapon at the head of the
nearest figure. "On three," he commanded. "One ..."
"There is a bomb," rumbled Colin.
248
THE ARDLY EFFECT
Phoenix watched the main monitor screen where Twip's
ship attempted to break free of Marshia's Quanta-
Gravitonic grip. Vick and Summer had discovered this
phenomenon, a recent addition to Marshia's arsenal,
where an object, surrounded by this field, would be able
to travel as far and as fast as it liked, even at light speeds
and jumps through hyperspace, but the field would
"sproing" (a technical term coined by Summer) the object
back to wherever it started.
Vick, when pushed by an inquisitive engineer to
described the Quanta-Gravitonic Field, said, "Like being
stuck inside an infinitely stretchable balloon which
assumed its original shape - with you still in it -
milliseconds after you tried breaking free by firing a
hamster from a cannon at the balloon's skin.
"The hamster, assuming it survived the
acceleration trauma, would feel as though it gradually
slowed down coming to rest very gently inside the
balloon's surface. To the cannon firer, the hamster would
appear to hit the balloon wall, stretching it out into the
distance, before sproinging back. To an observer outside
the balloon the cannon would fire and the hamster would
instantly appear, probably crapping its poor little self, at
the balloon wall. "
To which the engineer responded, "What's a
hamster?"
The field around the hemispheric ship shuddered and
shimmered in a myriad of coloured patterns like a male
cuttlefish fruitlessly flirting with a tartan tea-cosy.
249
GARY BAKER
"How are we doing, Marshia?" ask Phoenix
watching the screen intently.
SERGEANT ARTHUR AND SERGEANT
GEORGE HAVE BEEN LOCATED BY COMMANDER
PARKER AND HIS TEAM, CAPTAIN. HERE THEY
ARE, CAPTAIN.
The two sergeants popped into existence in front of
Phoenix.
Snapping to attention. Sergeant George gave
Phoenix a salute of such intensity that his arm continue to
vibrate a full three seconds after his index finger came to
rest on his right eyebrow. "Governor," he said
respectfully.
Sergeant Arthur tipped a hat he was not wearing.
"Sir," he said demurely.
"Gentlemen," said Phoenix gently, "it would seem
you have had quite an adventure."
"Yes, governor," said Sergeant Arthur. Sergeant
George nodded.
"But what, pray tell, possessed you to start
attaching limpet scanners to Twip's ship?"
"Instructions of the orders persuasion from
Commander Apricot, governor," said Sergeant Arthur.
"Yes, sir," said Sergeant George. "The commander
will no doubt vouch for that, sir. "
Phoenix looked grave. "Commander Apricot is
missing assumed dead. His orders to you were among his
last."
"A fine young man," said Sergeant George, holding
his hand to is heart.
"A fine young man," echoed Sergeant Arthur.
250
THE ARDLY EFFECT
"Anyway," continued Phoenix, "without your
efforts we probably would not have been able to track
Twip's ship so successfully. Well done."
"Hardly a praiseworthy effort, sir," said Sergeant
Arthur.
"Nevertheless, I think you've earned that tea. Off
you go."
"Thank you, governor," said Sergeant George,
executing another twanging salute. Sergeant Arthur
tipped his non-existent cap once more.
Phoenix waved them out, turning back to the main
screen as Marshia informed him:
THERE ARE MULTIPLE SMALL CRAFT AND
ESCAPE PODS LEAVING THE MAIN VESSEL,
CAPTAIN.
"Can you detect if Twip is on any of them?"
WITH VARYING LEVELS OF CERTAINTY,
CAPTAIN.
"Good enough, Marshia. Port anyone with a fifty
per cent or more probability of being Twip into a holding
cell. Have Bev and Vick standing by to confirm
identification."
UNDERSTOOD, CAPTAIN.
Phoenix squinted at the bottom left portion of the
main viewing screen which displayed a video feed from
Parker's helmet camera.
"What's that?" he asked pointing at the unsteady
image.
Sprigs squinted at the screen. "Tables, sir? Green
tables?"
"Maybe we should have a play-off," suggested
251
GARY BAKER
Phoenix. "Nominate a couple of champions. Best out of
three games wins the other's ship."
Sprigs looked horrified.
"Only joking. Sprigs."
"Sir."
*
Bev and Vick ported to the prison quad where cell-man
second class Johnson, attired in standard issue cell-man
grey, jogged lightly between cells observing the
occupants. Bev coughed.
Johnson ceased his inter-cell jogging and jogged
lightly over to Bev and Vick.
"Sirs!" he said, coming smartly to attention and
saluting firmly. "Occupants ready for perusal there-of,
sirs." He indicated the cells to his right. "Am filling up
the cells from this side first."
They approached and Johnson cleared the first cell
wall to reveal ten or so individuals, mostly well-endowed
young ladies, crammed into the a cell designed for four.
Bev and Vick studied each carefully before shaking
their heads and moving to the next cell.
Cell number three had nine individuals in a circle
prostrating themselves around a central figure who was
urgently hissing and motioning at them to stand up.
"Brother Django," said Bev dryly. "How nice."
The central figure froze momentarily, tore off its
immaculately coiffeured, shoulder length, blonde wig
with pink hair extensions and used it to beat the nearest
prostrate figure violently about the head. "Stupid",
wallop, "moronic", wallop, "pea-brained", wallop.
Django paused catching his breath.
252
THE ARDLY EFFECT
"Ow! Thank you, master," squeaked the cowering
individual.
"Gotcha!" said Vick.
"Pervert!" hissed cell-man second class Johnson.
*
"... Two ..." said Parker, his assault rifle wavering not one
jot.
"Didn't you hear me?" rumbled Colin.
"Two and a half..."
If a large, grey, featureless cube could be said to
panic, Colin panicked. "There is a bomb inside me which
I have no control over " Colin's rumble had changed to a
whiny grumble. "And the Master has the disarm code and
if you shoot we will all be blown to pieces!"
The red overalled "protector" staring down the
barrel of Parker's rifle whimpered, covered his head with
his arms and dropped to his knees like a stone, almost
burying his head in the steel floor. His colleagues
exchanges glances with each other and ran like the
clappers, skipping past Parker and his team.
"What do you think, Marshia?" asked Parker,
standing firm.
"Marshia again?" rumbled Colin, watching puzzled
as this potential protagonist to his untimely demise
seemed to be standing thinking to himself
Parker suddenly took a step backwards. There was
a popping sound and Django Twip, complete with blonde
wig and hair extensions, materialised in front of Colin.
"Master," rumbled Colin.
The red overalled one-time protector cowering on
the floor whimpered even louder.
253
GARY BAKER
"It's disarm the bomb or die with us," said Parker,
levelling his rifle at Twip. The six other troopers did
likewise.
The three-thousand-year-old Django Twip, planet
killer, hyper-mass murderer and fish and chip magnate,
adjusted his breasts. "Colin," he said, his voice like
fingernails on a blackboard, "my fish soup has turned
blue."
"Pardon?" said Colin, with no eyebrows to raise.
"My fish soup has turned blue," repeated Twip
irritably.
Parker and his troops made their assault rifles
make that clicking noise which means they're just about
to shoot. Which is odd when you think about it because
they were already ready to shoot. These assault rifles
obviously came with an extra button. An "emphasise I'm
about to blow your head off" button.
Anyway ...
"Sir?" Colin was confused.
Twip tried again. "My fish cake has turned blue?"
Nothing.
"My fish and chips have turned blue?"
Nothing.
"My fish is blue and my soup is blue?"
Colin stiffened, as much as a large, grey, metal
cube can stiffen. "System menu," he said in a voice more
rumblier than ever. "Select: I Reboot, 2 Adjust system
parameters, 3 Disarm bomb, 4 Repeat System Menu
options, 5 Exit menu. "
"Three", said Django.
"3, disarm bomb selected," said Colin.
254
THE ARDLY EFFECT
Colin clicked.
Very loudly.
Making Parker and the troops flinch involuntarily.
Colin continued, "Bomb disarmed. System menu.
Select: 1 Reboot, 2 ..."
"Five," said Twip.
Colin relaxed, as much as a large, grey, metal cube
can relax.
"Atta-boy," said Parker, smiling broadly.
Chapter 24 : Bye
Marshia's main conference room held Captain Phoenix,
West, Kurt, Rex, Summer and Vick. They sat facing the
large holoscreen showing the ancient faces of two
familiar High Presidium members. Lady Blake on the left
and Mrs Peters on the right. Identical, bulbous, dark
green bottles of limpid, token gifts from Phoenix, sat to
the left of each.
Lady Blake had just sampled a glass of her gift and
was to open the proceedings. But she didn't. She sat
looking vaguely in the general direction of the camera.
When it became obvious that Lady Blake had no
intention of focusing her eyes, let alone of talking, Mrs
Peters said, "Let me be the first to congratulate you all on
your successful mission."
Rex leaned over to Kurt, whispering, "How does
255
GARY BAKER
she articulate so well with so little lip movement?" Kurt
remained po-faced.
Mrs Peters checked her monitor in the vain hope of
spotting some clue as to Lady Blake's state of mind. "My
honourable friend and I are very pleased at the outcome
of your mission. You are all to be commended on your
actions. The tragic loss of life, especially that of
Commander Apricot and his men, saddens us greatly."
Lady Blake leaned to her left ever so slightly.
Mrs Peters did the news readers' thing of looking
down at a piece of paper that was not there, touching the
edges of it with her little fingers and then clasping her
hands together and leaning forward on the desk.
"I believe Mr Bev is not with you," said Mrs
Peters.
"That's correct," said Phoenix, looking slightly
embarrassed. "He expressed a desire to stay with the
colony on Bobbin. I understand he intends to study the
colonists and see how their society has evolved to cope
with the problems of off-surface living."
"Bobbin is the colony orbiting ...?" asked Mrs
Peters, looking at Phoenix for help.
"Spwat III, ma'am," said Phoenix.
"I see," said Mrs Peters. "And Mrs Phoenix?"
Phoenix reddened and looked at his shoes. "She,
erm ..." Phoenix straightened up and looked directly at
the image of Mrs Peters. "She elected to stay with Bev on
Bobbin. The attraction of the orbiting shopping malls
together with Bev's more ... attentive nature proved too
much. It's been on the cards for a long time. We think it's
for the best and I wish her and Bev all the luck in the ...
256
THE ARDLY EFFECT
world."
The revelation of Bev and Tracy as an item had
stunned all except Bev's brother, Vick.
The whole procedure had been carried out in a
very civilised manner. Bev and Tracy had approached
Phoenix and, after discussing a few unrelated topics - like
how difficult it was to recruit good hairdressers into
space, the origin of the high velocity three pin plug that
had killed Vick, and so on - had explained the situation.
The mutual attraction they felt for one another was just
too much to resist. Bev wanted to stay on Bobbin to study
the colonists and Tracy was deeply unhappy flying
around space.
Phoenix had initially been very shocked at Tracy's
news. He had had to sit down while it sunk in. When he
could at last bring himself to look at his wife he saw her
afresh. He looked at the small figure of Bev. A man he
respected and held in awe. Together they looked an odd
couple. But somehow it made sense. Bev's kindness and
sensitivity were just what Tracy needed. Her childlike
charm and desire to listen and be gently guided through
the complex world they lived in would easily satisfy
Bev's needs. Phoenix finally rose, hugged Tracy and
shook Bev's hand. The tears in his eyes were sad-glad
tears as he wished them well.
"It was Bev's wish," continued Phoenix, addressing
Mrs Peters, "that Doctor Kurt Naize should be his
representative on Earth." It was all he could do to ignore
Lady Blake, whose smile had become more inane and
whose angle had become more precarious.
Mrs Peters looked pleased. "Good," she said,
257
GARY BAKER
turning to Kurt. "You will be an extremely valuable ally
in the forthcoming resettlement of Earth."
"I certainly hope so." Kurt smiled slightly. "Bev
and I had a long chat about the future of Earth and I will
be taking my duties as his and his brother's representative
very seriously. After all," said Kurt wryly, "Earth does
belong to Bev and Vick. "
Mrs Peters' smile faded a touch and she looked a
little uncomfortable. "It's good to know we have a solid
understanding of a sound basis for a mutually beneficial
dialogue and I look forward to discussing our convergent
policies at length and in some detail in the very near
future," she said, slipping into politico-speak.
Kurt recognised the sentence for what it was.
Noise.
"We'll get together just as soon as I get back," said
Kurt.
"Get back?" said Mrs Peters.
Kurt took Rex's hand as she smiled adoringly back
at him. "From our honeymoon," said Kurt.
Summer leaped to her feet as if stung by a bee.
"Oh, dad!" she cried, leaping over to him and jumping
onto his lap. "I'm so glad!"
Phoenix, West and Vick lined up to pump Kurt's
arm enthusiastically and give Rex a congratulatory kiss
on the cheeks. Chaos ruled for a while as Summer rushed
between Kurt and Rex causing havoc with all the hand
shaking and kissing. Six people suddenly looked like an
unruly crowd of dozens.
Mrs Peters waited patiently for the noise of
congratulations to subside.
258
THE ARDLY EFFECT
As the angle of Lady Blake's position became
impossible to maintain, an arm appeared from the side of
the screen and shoved her back into a more or less
vertical position.
"There is one other thing," said Mrs Peters,
pausing to let Vick finish blowing his nose and wiping
his eyes. "Marshia," she said meaningfully. "I read a
precis of a report submitted by Doctor Summer Naize and
Mr Vick: it seems to be their belief that Marshia is now ...
alive?"
"It is my behef too," said Phoenix.
"Whether Marshia is alive or not will be a subject
for discussion for some time," said Mrs Peters.
"Whatever the outcome, there is one thing which is
abundantly plain. Marshia definitely has a will of her
own. No one can force her to do anything she does not
want to do. The wishes of any being who has the
capability to wipe out your star system have to be taken
into account. Have you any idea what Marshia wants?"
Summer stepped forward. "Why don't you ask her
for yourself?" she said.
Mrs Peters coughed nervously. "Marshia?"
YES, MA'AM?
"What are your thoughts on the matter?"
MY GREATEST WISH WOULD BE TO BE
ALLOWED TO REGARD THIS SYSTEM AS MY
HOME.
Mrs Peters nodded. Lady Blake leaned.
I WOULD LIKE TO EXPLORE SOME OF THE
OTHER GALAXIES AND NEBULA IN THE HOPE OF
FINDING OTHERS LIKE MYSELF. I KNOW THE
259
GARY BAKER
LIKELIHOOD OF SOMETHING LIKE ME
EVOLVING IS VERY REMOTE. BUT BEING BUILT
OR MANUFACTURED COULD BE REGARDED AS
ANOTHER NATURAL PROCESS. IT WOULD GIVE
ME ENORMOUS PLEASURE TO HAVE THE
COMPANY OF MY CURRENT INHABITANTS. IN
FACT, I FIND THE THOUGHT OF LIFE WITHOUT
MY FRIENDS ALMOST INTOLERABLE.
Mrs Peters looked surprised. "Well, you certainly
don't sound like any AI I've spoken to, Marshia. "
THANK YOU, MA'AM.
"As far as we're concerned," said Mrs Peters,
"anyone who wishes to remain aboard can do so." She
held up her index finger. "With the proviso," she
continued with heavy mock sternness, "that they keep in
touch!"
"Quite a number of the crew," said Phoenix,
"including myself. Summer and Vick have had
discussions. We would like to stay with Marshia."
Mrs Peters smiled. "I feel quite envious," she said.
"I wish you all the very best of luck." She did the news
reader shuffle once more.
"Mr West," she said.
"Yes, ma'am?" West looked uncomfortable.
"The reports about you have been good." West
looked relieved. "There are a number of issues regarding
your future we shall have to discuss."
"Yes, ma'am?"
"Some key areas," she looked towards Kurt,
"which have yet to be resolved, would benefit greatly
from your input. A key position will, I am sure, be found
260
THE ARDLY EFFECT
for you on the new world. "
"I am honoured you should consider me," said
West. "But, if Marshia would have me, I would like to
stay with her I'm sure I could be useful somehow."
I WOULD BE DELIGHTED. YOU WILL BE
MOST WELCOME AS ADVISOR, CONFIDANT AND
FRIEND.
"Well," said Mrs Peters, looking surprised, "I can't
say I'm not surprised. But I am." She checked her monitor
to see the state of Lady Blake.
"If my honourable friend has nothing more to add
...?" said Mrs Peters as Lady Blake crashed to the floor.
"That would appear to be that!"
THE END
Author's note:
Hope you enjoyed that. I had fun writing it.
All donations welcome to Paypal account
gb@bramblingbooks.co.uk - you can send your
comments and thoughts to that e-mail address too.
Please make a note on the donation telling me if it
is to encourage or discourage me from completing the
next book in this sequence.
GB
261
Live Music Archive
Librivox Free Audio
Metropolitan Museum
Cleveland Museum of Art
Internet Arcade
Console Living Room
Books to Borrow
Open Library
TV News
Understanding 9/11